TORONTO, ON—There is one thing that remains certain about life in Canada: all Coffee Times across the country are in a constant state of disrepair, fading into the backdrop of otherwise abandoned malls and now vacant lots. Scientists are baffled by the enigmatic company's ability to "perpetually teeter on the edge of complete destitution."

"It's the most unbelievable thing I've ever seen in my life," remarks Murk Talbun, lead scientist on The Coffee Time Research Project. "We studied Coffee Times all over the country and can still make no reasonable hypothesis as to how the business is still functioning – well, semi-functioning. The data we collected is too scattered and seemingly random to form any logical patterns.

"One Coffee Time will be abandoned, riddled with graffiti and rat nests, while the Coffee Time on the other side of the city is a seemingly functioning bake shop, although there's no sign outside and not a single person inside, employee or otherwise. Just an empty room with display cases but no food and the lights all the way on."

Talbun states that the closest thing to an answer his research can offer is that Coffee Time is "not doing super well."

But without conclusive results or even a working hypothesis, some critics are considering the study a failure.

"I've been working on this for three years," reports Jen Gravenhurf, lead engineer on the CTRP. "To be no closer to an answer when we started, at this point, it really wears on you. To have made no progress in a field so important – it's hard to bear the brunt of that."

While the forms of disrepair within Coffee Times vary heavily, the study suggests that one constant factor in almost all Coffee Times is a total lack of economic success.

We visited with Bud Hench, the owner and manager of the most successful Coffee Time in Canada, located in Collingwood, Ontario.

"Times are extremely tough right now," laughs Hench. "I know you hear 'most successful in Canada' and you assume I'm rollin' in it, but honestly I only own that title because all the other Coffee Times are just boarded up buildings behind Bowleramas. I just had to lay off my own daughter to make payments this month. And she needs this job badly."

The anomalous success of Hench's Coffee Time seems to be due to their confused regulars.

Agnes Willaby has been a patron at this Coffee Time for the last 16 years. "My grandson's big day is next week," says Willaby. "He's a special guy with a big appetite. He's turning 17, can you believe it? Oh and he's grown so big and handsome!" Many of the other local customers have similar reasons for patronizing this particular establishment.

The CTRP has decided to push on with the research. So the next time you pass by the edge of your hometown and see the familiar sight of a decrepit skeleton of a building that abruptly reminds you of your own mortality, rest assured – there are people out there hard at work, searching for answers.