HAMILTON, ON—Citing both his painfully average looks and a recent baking emergency that nearly cost him his semi-detached home, local Hamilton resident Bruce Lechowski says he's proud to be featured in an upcoming 2017 calendar of men who frantically called the fire department at some point this year.

"Yeah, I burnt a soufflé back in the spring," Lechowski explained. "When the truck arrived they said, 'Hey man, would you be interested in posing for this thing we're doing?' It was a no-brainer."

A collections agent with a Jesuit education, Lechowski or "Mr. January" as he now prefers to be called, will be posing in a taupe sweater vest and tucked-in dress shirt, holding a telephone receiver with a stricken expression on his face, desperately reporting a fire. The caption "Because sometimes shit happens" will be sprawled across the image.

"I asked to do it shirtless, like in the traditional firemen calendars," he explains. "But they just kept saying no, no that won't be necessary, that's not what this is."

Despite owning a collection of unopened tai-bo DVDs that he won at a 2008 stag party raffle, Lechowski has not exercised in years unless you count occasionally running for the bus. Even still, calendar publisher Lenore Miller calls him a "refreshing change from the Herculean physiques that typically grace the pages of fireman-related calendars."

A low-key guy by nature, the taste of notoriety is one Lechowski has come to savour. He explains: "You go through life asking yourself, 'Okay when's it my turn? Everybody gets their turn, so when's it going to be my turn?' Well, I think we just found out."

Having ordered over a hundred copies that he will dole out to a single woman named Jeannine who broke up with him nine years ago, Lechowski says his copy will be prominently displayed on the kitchen fridge and kept on the January page all year round. "I won't know what day my birthday falls on. I won't know if this is a leap year. Frankly, I don't care. This is my moment," he says.

Lechowski has already planned to get his cat David Spayed stuck in a tree on purpose so that he will once again have to call the department with the hopes of being featured in the 2018 calendar.