America / Truest hell! You're about to make history / a grave and horrifying mistake. What an incredible day for your country / rich white men. You took a risk on a woman / maniacal bigoted sociopath and now here you are / aren't because the entire earth is now a raging dumpster fire of hatred and fear.

Tonight, the whole world will be watching / curled up in the fetal position clutching a decorative pillow with a picture of nine other pillows on it whilst shrieking in terror. We've been anxiously awaiting this fateful day when America goes to hell / the polls. All across the globe, people are going to be so god damn thankful that you made the right decision / they're not American.

Everything's coming up red, white and blue / charred, pukey orange! You have a unique opportunity to set a precedent / president loose on the world who will legally change every nation's flag to feature his own blurry dick pic.

Sorry it's been such a long, stressful election season / that we made you think about that guy's junk just now. But rest assured – the candidate / sentient Rolex vending machine you're about to elect deserves to hold this office / be rocket-launched into the Arctic Ocean wearing only his idiotic baseball hat.

And man, what a profound moment for women / 's basic human rights and integrity to be viciously and gleefully stripped away for all eternity.

This was a real tough choice, America – this ballot really brought out the big guns / unregistered assault rifles. But today, you did it / failed utterly and we'll never forgive you, mostly because we'll all be living in a desolate wasteland among feral wolf-Shih Tzu hybrids and it's so fucking cold.

America, we're all rooting for you / through our neighbours' trash bins for food scraps and clothes due to the impending nuclear apocalypse.

Good luck / God.