TORONTO, ON—A spokesperson for the LCBO announced yesterday that Ontario customers can now order beer, wine, and spirits online and that Canada Post will proudly ensure home delivery of these items five to seven business days after your party has ended.

"Maybe more," admits Canada Post communications associate Desiree Palumbo with an aggressive shrug. "As always, we're delighted to give Canadians a completely random window of time during which their orders may arrive but probably won't."

Local party animal Oliver Feldman says he's looking forward to the 24 cases of Smirnoff Ice he ordered for his party tonight arriving at his doorstep at some point in August.

"Of 2017," he clarifies.

"I have a few half-empty things of Listerine mouthwash upstairs," he adds. "I guess I could give that to my guests?"

Unfortunately, when it comes to Canada Post, not even those with the organization and foresight to plan ahead will be rewarded for their efforts. Talia Fernandez, who is scheduled to host a book club one month from now, says she deliberately ordered several bottles of California chardonnay this morning so as to give Canada Post ample time to deliver it before her gathering rather than after.

"The confirmation email said to expect the wine on or around Christmas Eve," she sighed. "I just don't get it. I straight-up gave them a full month of lead time."

"I can't stress enough how long ago my guests will have left by that point," she added. "I need you to know just how emphatically they will no longer be anywhere near my living room."

LCBO management says it has heard Canadians' cries of frustration and is now actively considering significantly faster methods to deliver booze to people's homes.

"At the moment we're thinking about strapping people's wine bottles to the backs of elderly tortoises and letting them loose about the city until they eventually meander onto the correct lawns," explains vice president Kendall MacKay. "So hopefully that should speed things up a bit."