EVERYWHERE—Summer is in full swing and love is in the air. Life truly is an endless, ripe field of romantic splendour for absolutely everyone in sight with the notable exception of Steve.

Yes, Sweet Lady Summer has unequivocally singled out Steve, an aggressively average and unfinished lump of a man originally from Brampton, to bear the weight of not only being perceived as undesirable, but also unusable and despicable to all potential romantic partners.

Water parks, cottages, and the good ol' ball game are just three of the many places in which Steve will be rejected and generally abhorred this summer. As scores of lovers vacation to romantic countrysides and exotic beaches, this one haystack of a man has a one-way ticket to Alonetown, USA (population: Steve).

While couple after couple infinitely cozy up during those warm summer nights, the only thing Steve will get closer to is bitter pangs of hot rejection and a fistful of keys to the face for smiling at a girl on the bus.

Even the animal kingdom has exploded into full hedonistic revelry this season, also known as "mating" or "non-stop fuck-touching." While the birds and the bees continue giving and receiving a truly deranged amount of sex, Steve's closest connection will be with the Kleenex after Kleenex that act as his masturbation dispensaries.

Last week, after Steve raced up the stairs of a subway station to return a woman's dropped wallet, he was surprised to be greeted not with relief, but a substantial amount of pepper spray to the eyes, mouth and ears.

"When will Steve finally catch a break in the romance department?" Steve often asks annoyingly in the third person to no one. The answer is certainly never.

They say the world welcomes summertime with a smile, a kiss and a sip of wine. Unfortunately for Steve, the dog days of summer will be more like a never-ending kick in the teeth coupled with the punishingly vivid vision of definitely dying alone.

Indeed, summer is here and, as ever, Steve is the absolute worst.