WayHome or stay home? How to avoid music festivals but still feel like you're at one
Brian Millward | CBC Comedy | Posted: July 22, 2016 5:38 PM | Last Updated: July 22, 2016
If you're like me and suffer from anxiety in large crowds as well as FOMO, summer musical festivals can be a harrowing experience. Why put yourself through that hot mess when you can host your very own festival in the comfort of your own home?
Step 1: Lock yourself out of your home
You should not be able to access basic amenities such as running water and toilets. In order to be in true music festival mode you must first deprive yourself of all human conveniences. Remember that your end goal is to look like a sexy Gollum.
Step 2: Inexplicably pay triple the amount of money you normally would for food and bottled water
As general guideline, you want to pay at the same inflation rates as the Germans did after WWI.
Step 3: Some music would probably be good
Grab your speakers, play your favourite music, and turn it up as loud as it can go.
Step 4: Now walk about 200 feet away from your speakers
Your favourite artist or band should be distant-sounding and somewhat muffled.
Step 5: APPROPRIATE, APPROPRIATE, APPROPRIATE!
If there's one way to ensure an authentic music festival experience, you must simultaneously appropriate as many cultures as you can. If you don't know where to start, Wal-Mart has a Beginner's Appropriation Kit that comes with an Aboriginal headpiece, a pack of stick-on bindis, and a henna set.
Step 6: Crudely fashion a crown of wildflowers
If you can't find any flowers, random pieces of litter found beside a highway underpass will also work.
Step 7: Make as big a fashion statement as you can with as little clothing as possible
Your skin is your number one accessory so jazz it up by adding some glitter glue and fuzzy stickers. If you're stuck for design ideas just go with either a tribal tattoo (see step 5) or a sun around your navel á la Nick Lachey.
Step 8: At no point should you stop drinking
From the second you get up to the moment you collapse from heat exhaustion, by law, you must keep drinking. You have to drink to the point that if I were to tell you that The Pussy Willows® were playing next, not only would you believe that that's the name of a real band, but you'd also get super emotional at the thought of watching them perform.
Step 9: Get on someone's shoulders
It's vital that you seek higher ground during your music festival so you don't get washed away by the flood of hormones and self-entitlement coursing through the venue.