Ashley Madison relaunches with sadder, even more desperate men
Colin J. Fleming | CBC Comedy | Posted: July 13, 2016 4:42 PM | Last Updated: July 13, 2016
TORONTO, ON—Nearly one year after its website was hacked, leading to a massive data dump of private information and the revelation that the overwhelming majority of its female users were actually bots, Ashley Madison relaunched its site Wednesday morning with sadder, even more desperate men.
"Ashley Madison is back," said CEO Rob Segal. "And we've got more pathetic scumbags trying in vain to cheat on their wives than ever!"
Although many analysts speculated the site would crash and burn after the data breach and bot revelation, Segal insists the site is "as strong as ever."
"We used to have to blackmail users by luring them in with our bots," Segal said. "But now we have guys who are so friggin' miserable that they just don't give a crap if the world learns they're shelling out hundreds of dollars to create the illusion there are actually women in the world with names like Amber who desperately want to screw them at 3:00 AM on a Tuesday."
According to Segal, although men will likely find it almost impossible to have a "real-life" affair, they will have "plenty of opportunities" for "really hot bot cyber [sex]."
"The second any sad sack wannabe-philanderer logs on, he's gonna be flooded with messages," Segal said. "It's really tantalizing stuff," Segal continued, adding that men could expect messages like "want to sex chat?," "u horny?", "imsowet4u," and "wanna cyber big boy?" from "literally dozens" of different crudely-programmed algorithms.
"The hackers may think they won," Segal said. "But Ashley Madison is here to stay, and it's all thanks to all those desperate, sleazy men who care nothing about privacy, dignity or having an affair with a real, actual woman."