Non-aggro things to cheer whilst watching a sports event
Jordan Foisy | CBC Comedy | Posted: July 5, 2016 3:55 PM | Last Updated: July 5, 2016
Between the Toronto Blue Jays and some controversial trades in basketball and hockey, sports fandom feels like it's reached a fever pitch. Everyone loves sports now, from the introspective comic book store clerk with strong opinions on the Durant trade to the Marxist folk singer with season TFC tickets. The bandwagon has never been bigger or more inviting.
But if you're anything like me, your first live sporting event might feel a little intimidating. All the chants and cheers can seem far too aggressive and jock-ish. Have no fear, my fellow wilting wallflowers. Here are things to yell at the game that won't disturb our delicate constitutions.
"I'M! JUST! HAPPY! (CLAP)
TO! BE! PART OF SOMETHING!"
What is sports if not an opportunity to celebrate with your fellow humans how beautiful it is to interact with the agreed upon rules of a community? Might be nice to remind your fellow fans of that.
"I"M HUN-GRY FOR FRIEND-SHIP (CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP)
BUT NOT IN A DES-PERATE WAY!" (CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP)"
I holler this one near the start of the match just to get it out of the way. Sports are a great way to meet a new best friend. Toss this line out into the water and hey – maybe nobody answers but maybe you reel in a brand new set of ears for your juicy secrets.
"AT! THE! END! (CLAP)
OF! THE! DAY! (STOMP)
IT'SJUSTNICETOBE
OOOOOUTOF THE HOUSE!"
I use this one when the team I'm told I like is losing. A tough loss can make you feel like your son just informed you he likes his new dad's hugs better than yours, but it's important to remember if you weren't out at the game you'd be at home watching for the exact moment when your toenails are finally long enough to clip.
"NICE BUNS, NUMBER 7"*
Let's face it – these guys have some tight, tight bods and I don't think there's any shame in celebrating that. Considering all the criticism athletes face, a nice compliment may help with their notoriously low self-esteem.
*does not have to be 7. Just choose whichever number you think has the nicest buns. It's really up to you.
"I BROUGHT SOME SUNSCREEN IF ANYBODY NEEDS ANY"
Those outdoor games can really cook you if you aren't careful. That's why I always bring a little SPF 205. I used to offer to slather it on others but noticed I'd only get a response from one specific season ticket holder – a hefty, mustachioed gentleman named Wesley.
"I'VE BEEN DRINKING A GLASS OF WATER BETWEEN EVERY BEER AND YOU SHOULD CONSIDER DOING THE SAME"
Let's just say that one time I walked out of the arena a total stumble and burp factory and ended up getting interviewed by the news. My parents saw me on TV and called to inform me I had brought tremendous shame upon the entire family – even Uncle Reg, who was arrested for shoplifting Scarface ashtrays in 1991. Never again.