TORONTO, ON—A breakthrough study on child development conducted by University of Toronto researchers shows that parents who lull their infants to sleep by playing them lullaby versions of Limp Bizkit songs may be turning them into future shitheads.

Rockabye Baby! is a collection of "tot tunes" where popular songs are "lullabized" by replacing the instruments with the gentle sounds of mellotrons, bells and vibraphones. Bands include The Beatles, Taylor Swift, and yes, even nu-metal group Limp Bizkit.

According to U of T's chief researcher Marco Pearson, by simply laying a child down and playing music box versions of Limp Bizkit's "hits", parents run a severe risk of their baby developing a disease known as "Durstitis" or as Dr. Pearson describes it, "Little Shithead Syndrome."

"It's no laughing matter," Dr. Pearson explains. "LSS is a socially crippling disease for a child to have in their formidable years. Trust me. You don't want your young one riddled with Durstitis, constantly urging you to stick a cookie up your ass."

Some of the telltale signs that your child may be developing LSS include (but are not limited to):

One case has already been reported in Winnipeg, where two-year-old Tommy Beech claims to be in a serious relationship with Britney Spears. "I'm beside myself," says his mother Marisa Beech through a fit of sobs. "My ex-husband Todd thought it'd be cool to get Rockabye Baby!'s Lullaby Renditions of Limp Bizkit because he loved that stupid band and he wanted to share that with his son. Now my little Tommy does everything for the 'nookie'! I mean, what the hell is a 'nookie' even?"

But according to Pearson, there is hope.

"As the child ages, the disease will fade into obscurity and he will forget that it was ever a thing," he chuckles. "But for now, people like Marisa are not alone. We're… N 2 Gether Now!"

After a brief pause, Pearson lowers his head, issuing a sigh.

"I am so deeply sorry. Please don't print that last thing."