This is a warning to all you people trying to get tickets to see that musical Hamilton. Don't waste your money; it's not what you think it is. After mortgaging my house and dog, I was able to buy a ticket to see the "hottest show on Broadway," according to the stupid New York Times. Well, I went to New York and saw it and let me tell you, it was a big piece of shit.

It was NOT about the ninth largest city in Canada – Hamilton, Ontario – but instead told the story of Alexander Hamilton, the asshole founding father of dumb America. I was so looking forward to seeing attractive people rap about former Deputy Prime Minister Sheila Copps and my favourite Canadian football team, the Ti-Cats, but instead was (mis)treated to songs about the creation of the central bank, and the famous Schuyler controversy. How riveting! I was immediately reminded of a very painful realization I endured in the '90s when I learned that the musical Cats had nothing to do with the Ti-Cats, but that's a story for another day.

There was nothing – I mean nothing – about Hamilton's rich and storied history as a steel mining town, or McMaster University's great combined arts/science degree. Both of these are extremely fertile topics for songs, and have many rhyming words associated with them.

I really don't know what all the fanfare has been about, because this musical was very very boring, and focused on strange and obscure aspects of American history. I think that whoever wrote this might be crazy.

There are only a handful of things that are suitable topics for a musical. Hamilton (THE CITY) is one of them. The others are:

...and a few others. But that's about it.

If you're thinking of buying tickets, please think twice before shelling out the kind of money that should only ever be spent on musicals about mid-size Canadian cities. In fact, I was so put off by the whole experience I was inspired to make a rap of my own about how bad Hamilton (the musical) is.

Don't go see Hamilton

But it can't be called Hamilton

Because there's already one called Hamilton

Should be called Hamilton (the musical) Sucks: A Musical About Hamilton (the city)

Note: This rap should be performed to the tune of "Alexander Hamilton" from the hit musical Hamilton, because the music was really awesome.