TORONTO, ON—Sarah Thompson, 20, was flabbergasted when she wore a Maple Leafs jersey outside the Air Canada Centre at Jurassic Park last night and no one bothered to do a double take.

Thompson was alarmed to learn that literally zero people are interested in the Toronto Maple Leafs anymore. The realization has left her scrambling to find a new method for attracting male attention.

Thompson says she heard through friends that Toronto was doing well this year and just assumed they were referring to hockey. Shortly after arriving at Jurassic Park last night, she says, "everyone kept staring at the basketball game instead of me. I just didn't get it."

Thompson explains that she's been busy studying for exams and had no idea how much the Maple Leafs had tanked.

The more Thompson observed the game and women around her, the more she realized that the only logical course of action was to rip off the sleeves of her own jersey in an attempt to fit in.

"New outfit!" she exclaimed as she tried to embrace her new surroundings.

As the game continued, Thompson was heard repeatedly shouting, "goal!" until a friendly fan nearby gently corrected her. She was also overheard leveraging her naive rambunctiousness into some flirtatious icebreakers such as, "Why do they score so much?" "Do they all have to be tall?" and "Why can't they hit each other?"

A group of men explained to Thompson that the Maple Leafs won the first pick in this year's draft lottery for being the worst team in the NHL.

"I can't believe they lost on purpose. That's so strange," she says with a soft giggle. "But I guess there's hope for 2025."

Unfortunately Thompson didn't leave with any phone numbers – just a new understanding of an old Canadian sport.

As for the leftover sleeves from her jersey, Thompson says she plans to trade them in a group called "Crafty Bunz" in exchange for two subway tokens and a tall can of cider, which she calls a "win-win."