All anyone wants to talk about these days is Captain America: Civil War, which is tremendous news for me, since I totally have not and never would fall asleep in this or any other Marvel film.

If you're looking for an overview of Marvel's latest offering, or simply to combat slanderous claims from your movie club, I've prepared this useful primer for the characters from the film. Read it so you too can say, "How would I know all this if I wasn't watching, ALAN?"

Here's Captain America, the man of the hour! As the Captain of all America, he has many powers including running, doing a somersault, and holding a circular shield thing. He does many things in this movie, which I won't go into, but suffice it to say that I absolutely know what they are.

You all know this guy: Iron Giant! He's best friends with Captain America, largely because they share the power of having a circle. The Iron Giant has been to space, as shown in The Iron Giant, a film I also watched without incident, and is portrayed by character actor Johnny Depp.

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There are some new faces in this film. One of them is (SPOILER ALERT) Jon Snow, inexplicably going by the nickname of "Bonky." It's surprising to use a character from a different franchise, but as the famous phrase from Game of Thrones goes, "Wintertime, you guys!"

Here's another new character. Get ready for The Fabulous Cat Boy! Part robot, part cat, this guy is excellent, especially in the scene where my principal shows up to ask me why I'm not wearing pants at school. Stay after the credits to see the bonus scene where you'll hear, "Ma'am, we need you to get out of your seat, we need to turn over the theatre for the next show."

Just kidding! Spiderman is not in this film.

And that's it! If you liked this primer, please contact my movie club and request that they immediately reinstate my position. PLEASE, YOU GUYS, I CAN CHANGE.