6 moms who have had enough of your nonsense, Chad
Meg MacKay | CBC Comedy | Posted: May 6, 2016 4:00 AM | Last Updated: May 6, 2016
Chad, come in. Sit down. We're glad you agreed to meet us here. No, this isn't a "free tattoo and weed symposium" – we brought you here under false pretenses. Look: it's time for you to get your life together.
Here are six moms who have had enough of your nonsense, Chad. We love you, kind of, and we're here to help.
1. Jeanne, 55, mother of two
Chad, listen: you've got a Philosophy of Philosophy degree, and at least one button-up shirt. I don't care how good you are at "ripping sick bass licks." You're 30. It's time to give up on the jam band project and get a real job.
The Electric Dishtowel Experience is never going to "make it" – not in this economy. No one wants to hear music that sounds like it's being performed inside a dead owl's mouth.
2. Chrystena, 47, mother of three
Selling hand-drawn maps to all the taco stands in town is not a reliable source of income, Chad. My son Bryce bought one from you, and he said it was stained so badly with burrito sauce he could barely read it.
3. Bernice, 81, mother of five, grandmother of 19
When I was your age, I had to fist fight a pack of wild dogs to get my hands on half a piece of gum to feed my five children. Last week, I heard you yell at your mother because she bought the wrong colour of Kool-Aid Jammer. I am not sure what a Kool-Aid Jammer is, but it sounds like drugs so I disapprove.
4. Miranda, (a polite lady doesn't discuss her age), mother of Chad
Honestly sweetheart, when the ladies from my Aquafit class organized this intervention I wasn't totally on board. But after hearing what these women have to say, I'm going to have to ask you to move out of the attic. I need the storage space for my Tetley Tea figurines, because unlike you, they will be worth a lot of money one day.
5. Debbie, 62, mother of one
Chad, I don't even know you, but I can smell your feet from here.
6. Mother Earth, several billion years old, mother of billions
Chad… considering your gross domestic product and access to water… wait, we're here talking about Chad Williams? I thought you meant Chad the country. My bad.
Okay, Chad Williams. Just because you angrily accuse others of their canned beans not being "organic enough" doesn't mean you're helping my global warming problem. You're stressing me out so bad I'm about to pop another hole in my ozone. Get a job, Chad!