TORONTO, ON—Jack Leiland, a resident of Toronto's High Park neighbourhood, says that the beginning of April is generally when he hauls his Yardworks 40V Lithium lawnmower out of the shed in his backyard in preparation for spring, but that this morning he had to allow for a slight change to his plans.

"Normally, this week is when I'd be doing the first sweet chop of the year," Leiland says, gesturing feebly to his blindingly white lawn as he wistfully pulls on six parkas intended for an Arctic research expedition overtop of his breezy Hawaiian shirt.

Leiland said he had some extra Goodyear Nordic snow tires kicking around in his shed, and that he spent the morning replacing his lawnmower's "puny little puppies" with "these bad boys."

"I'm really amped about the all-new multi-directional PowerTred™ technology my lawnmower now has," Leiland explains as he dumps out his celebratory Sex on the Beach cocktail, shrugs, and sticks the miniature umbrella into a mug of reassuring hot milk instead. "With superior traction in snowy and icy conditions, these winter tires give any vehicle a strong, confident, Canadian grip."

"The tire commercial said 'any vehicle,' so I'm just kinda assuming what I've done here is cool," he adds.

Leiland says if anyone's looking for him, he'll be in out the yard for the next 2.5 hours.

"It's April 4th for Pete's sake, so there's gotta be some lush-ass grass under there somewhere," he says. "I'm still gonna mow the lawn today, goddammit. You jerks just try and stop me."