PARIS, FRANCE—Cosmetics giant L'Oréal unveiled a new addition this morning to its popular line of anti-aging products: a generous handful of very heavy stones for women over 40 to place in their pockets, plus a detailed map to the nearest ocean.

"Our revolutionary mineral complex will stop aging in its tracks," L'Oréal research associate Michele Dieppe says of the stones. "You simply place the rocks into any and all available pockets on your clothing and wade quietly into a vast and unforgiving body of water. Your skin will enjoy an all-natural boost of hydration, and research shows that fully 100% of women will experience a visible difference within mere minutes of use."

Dieppe says that the Anti-Aging Stones Plus Map to Ocean represents a profound breakthrough for L'Oréal's labs.

"Our older products, which were mostly creams and serums, helped to address existing lines and wrinkles," says Dieppe. "But the all-new Anti-Aging Stones Plus Map to Ocean is the first product that actually prevents future lines and wrinkles from forming. And that is absolutely huge news for middle-aged women. L'Oréal is the first company to discover that the only way to truly stop the signs of aging is to abruptly halt all biological processes associated with being alive."

"This a momentous day for our team," says Dieppe, 22, as she slathers RevitaLift Wrinkle Repair Intensive Restoring Lotion all over her face and neck. "This cream I'm using? I'll need to apply it for 6-8 weeks before experiencing clinical results. But the Anti-Aging Stones Plus Map to Ocean? You only need to use it once. God, I can't wait to be 40. In some ways."

The Anti-Aging Stones Plus Map to Ocean is set to hit stores by the end of this week. The stones are sold in a large red velvet satchel, and the map to the ocean is gently spritzed with lavender, a scent known to calm the body and mind during everyday stresses and hopefully also during the final moments of life.