VANCOUVER, BC—Environmentalist and national treasure David Suzuki says he's growing impatient waiting for Canadians to take climate change seriously, and that he's been forced to take a drastic step to compensate for his country's ambivalence. This morning at 8 AM PST, Suzuki firmly stapled his left nostril shut in order to cut his personal carbon emissions by roughly 50%.

"It's come to this," he says as he casually rescues 14 endangered whales with his bare hands.

Suzuki says he hopes all Canadians will follow his example in the weeks to come. He adds that the Swingline 415 Heavy Duty stapler, available at most Office Depot locations, is the most effective choice for those looking to perform the procedure successfully.

"I will now be sucking up half the oxygen, and expelling half the carbon dioxide into the atmosphere as I was before," Suzuki proudly explains as he stands on the edge of the Amazon rainforest holding an enormous medieval shield, ready to defend the fragile jungle at any moment.

Suzuki admits that in the few short hours he's been living with a stapled nostril, he's already encountered some minor complications. "It's harder to smell my delicious tofu scrambles in the morning," he sighs. "Then again, it's also harder to smell my 56 different compost heaps!" He laughs for 25 minutes straight, joyfully nursing an infant leopard back to health with a baby bottle of milk, a little patience, and a whole lot of love.

Suzuki also says that the camera operators on his long-running CBC Television program, The Nature of Things, complain that his face "looks weird, like in every conceivable shot."

Suzuki shrugs. "You know what I think looks weird? People walking around in shorts in the middle of January."