It's December, which means the holidays are once again occupying their utterly predictable hiding place "around the corner." Real great work, holidays. Wake us up when you stop phoning it in.

Anyway, look: if you don't throw some kind of December-based gathering at your workplace, you're an unmitigated disaster as a human being. But with so many competing holiday traditions, and so many sensitive little flower petals now occupying the desks where employees once sat, the task of organizing such a party can feel tremendously daunting.

Lucy Longwood is a party planner and author of A Fête Worse Than Death: How Not To Throw a Party. She has some helpful tips to make this year's office holiday bash accessible to all and offensive to none.

"Carols are a complete no-no, as are songs sung by anyone named Carol, such as Carol Burnett, Carole King, or Carroll Baker," Longwood explains.

"When selecting the music, you really want to choose songs that have no lyrics and no discernible melody," she adds.

Your best bet? A 12-hour recording of a dial tone.

Certainly no red foods please, so unfortunately that means strawberries, Twizzlers, and raw, bloodied meats are out.

"The gingerbread man is hugely, hugely problematic," Longwood says. "First, it promotes the patriarchy. Second, the man in question appears to be able-bodied. The small and flat nature of his figure celebrates an unrealistic body image. The use of sugar excludes the diabetic community. And even if the cookie does not contain gluten, the sound of the word 'bread' embedded in the name of the cookie is emotionally triggering for the gluten-free among us."

As a fun, healthy, and inclusive substitute, Longwood suggests a single ice cube carved into the shape of a thumbs-up.

"Open and Honest Friend" is a great alternative to "Secret Santa."

"We don't want to promote secrets, or any behavior that's exclusionary or not above board," says Longwood. "That kind of attitude breeds mistrust and suspicion among colleagues."

Don't even think about hanging mistletoe, which only encourages rampant sexual harassment in the workplace. Instead, identify a heavily trafficked, well-lit area of the party, mark an X on the floor with electrical tape, and sit back and watch your employees flock to the Consensual Handshake Realm.

With any party held during the month of December, it's always a challenge to converse in such a way that doesn't veer into religious traditions, personal family dynamics, or political beliefs. The goal is to avoid this with your entire being.

"One fun idea is to place conversation topics into a hat and have your guests select one as they enter the party," says Longwood. "It's a small way to enjoy a modicum of control in a world filled with complete chaos."

The topics she suggests are:

Couscous
Printer cartridges
The Helvetica font
Brown