SCARBOROUGH, ON—A physicist says he's inspired and empowered by the new era of free speech for scientists and ministers under Justin Trudeau, and that he too is looking forward to sharing his life's work with the public: a tremendously complex equation he claims will throw into question the existence of gravity.

Duncan Tank, Ph, holds a certificate in "Science" from Chorkman Online University. The school is legally required to put quotation marks around the term "science". According to the FAQ on the school's Geocities website, the Ph designation stands for 'Proficiency Haver'.

Tank, a self-described "shit disturber, philosopher king, and hardcore science doer," began using the attic in his parents' house in the late '60s to tinker with typical childhood science experiments. "You know, like baking soda volcanoes, or getting two mom tarantulas to make out so hard," he says. As he grew up, Tank kept living and tinkering in his parents' attic, where he currently lives and tinkers. He is now 47.

For the past nine years, Tank says he's been quietly amassing "just hoards of damning evidence" that the theory of relativity is an inherently faulty premise. In its place, Tank has proposed an alternative theory to explain the complexity of the entire universe. He declines to get into too much detail just yet, but he does say it's based around a crucial three-way interaction between "spinny-doos," "air parties," and "fun."

Tank has painstakingly crafted a dizzying quantum physics equation to support his theory. He's convinced that the instant society sees it shockwaves will shatter the status quo and, in his words, "send this earth into a nonstop shit show faster than you can say 'Grow up, Isaac Newton!'"

Tank says he greatly admires the government scientists who have been coming forward lately and expressing relief that the new Liberal administration will allow them to speak to the press. He eagerly echoes their sentiments.

"I been itchin' to spill my discovery to the media for almost a decade but that Harper guy made things real difficult for us truth sayers," Tank explains.

He says he has only one copy of his groundbreaking equation, and that copy can be found scrawled across his bathroom mirror in Vaseline.

"Saw that Good Will Hunting film a while back, so. I know how this stuff is done," he says.