TORONTO, ON—Many Canadians will find themselves alone this Thanksgiving weekend due to geographical distance, ongoing estrangement, "the incident", the subsequent restraining order, or the stark reality that they're just really busy making weird pinecone art in the garage.

A new website called So Help Me Gourd aims to assist expats, lone wolves, and other socially isolated whackjobs by matching them with a dysfunctional family for the duration of the upcoming long weekend.

"We want every Canadian to have the full, authentic Thanksgiving dinner experience," explains Marg Wahlberg, marketing manager for the site. "That involves root vegetables, stuffing, and a level of tension so high that the only path to relief comes from faking a trip to the upstairs bathroom during dessert and somehow finding yourself wandering through some elderly guy's cornfield 10 kilometres away as Dust in the Wind by Kansas plays on your iPod on an endless loop."

Taking its inspiration from popular online dating sites, So Help Me Gourd will ask you a series of profoundly intrusive questions about your political views, your hopes and projections for the upcoming federal election, the status of your love life, the crushing anxiety surrounding your biological clock, your opinion on veganism, climate change and abortion, your level of satisfaction with your professional accomplishments if you're actually being honest with yourself for once in your fucking life, and your general sense of financial wellbeing. The website's algorithm will then match you with a family somewhere in Canada whose members are uniquely positioned to offend your sensibilities in every conceivable way.

Jean Hackman, 39, just successfully confirmed her match this morning on So Help Me Gourd. Her dysfunctional family lives in Hay River, Northwest Territories and she'll be spending $1,802.44 to travel there from her home in downtown Toronto.

"Welp!" she explains.

Despite this major inconvenience that was in no way explained to her before she signed up, Hackman says she is looking forward to the trip.

Her dysfunctional family includes a staunchly right-wing uncle with a fondness for peach Schnapps; a mother who holds the 2014 Guinness World Record for Most Passive Aggressive Comments Per Hour About Desire for Grandkids and once famously offered to pay for her adult daughter to have a webcam installed in her uterus; a 45-year-old brother who's a shitty out-of-work actor; a silently seething father who's never understood the brother's life choices; and a four-year-old nephew advertised on the website as a "little asshole prince who terrifies everyone."