Members of your family: Ranked
Adam Christie | CBC Comedy | Posted: August 7, 2015 4:00 AM | Last Updated: August 7, 2015
Gather your family around this article, because here are the members of your family ranked.
10. Mom
They say you should always respect where you came from. You know who else says things like that? People who defend the confederate flag. NO THANK YOU MOM, YOU'RE TENTH!
9. Opa
Really coming on strong with this whole "I'm Dutch" thing, right Grampa? Sorry... OPA. Wow, everyone is so impressed with how cultured you are. Hit the bricks old man!
8. Born again religious brother
This guy used to do hot knives, now he's making everyone pray before Thanksgiving dinner. I'm sure that The Lord isn't "bathing his divine light" upon this festive special, Brian.
7. Uncle who is actually younger than you are
Your grandparents had another kid after your parents had you, so now you have to call this dude who is three years younger than you 'Uncle Trevor'. Yipes.
6. Uncle Dale, who's actually your dad's friend, not your real uncle
Uncle Dale (AKA Dale) used to be in a band with your dad and occasionally stays in your family's garage whenever he gets divorced. Uncle Dale is what happens when you smoke pot after you're 35.
5. Dad
Everyone has a dad. Dad is a goofy, fun loving man with a hook for a hand and horrible scars all over his face. He walked you down the aisle, he taught you how to throw a football, he eats old chicken bones, and he sleeps in an iron maiden. You gotta love Dad.
4. Racist/homophobic X-factor step-brother
He's lewd, he's rude, and he's known by name by the Guelph Regional Police Department. Who is taking over the town this year, Rick? The Armenians? Haha! Never change, Rick.
3. Grandma
Because she's afraid of hospitals, she's making the family pool their money together so she can die the way she wants to: pushed out of a helicopter by Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. Not crazy about having to spend the dough, but you have to respect a woman who knows what she wants.
2. Sister
Why did you decide to tell your sister that you got an Incubus tattoo? Now she has all of the power. Life is a house of cards, and she's the one who can knock it all down.
1. Aunt
THE GRANDDADDY OF ALL OF THE FAMILY MEMBERS (not including actual granddaddy). When was the last time your aunt showed you her switchblade or said a racial slur on Christmas Eve? Never. Your aunt is a wonderful old crone who throws excellent dinner parties and always has the cleanest house. That's why she's number one. You know that movie Ant-Man? They should call it Aunt-Man! Haha, get it?! AUNT MAN! Ha! Woo! All right I gotta get out of here.