Advice for spouses of CFL coaches

Being married to a top-level coach may sound like fun, but it's important to know what's ahead, say two women who have been there, done that and survived nicely for a combined 94 years of marriage.

Sharon Ritchie and Judy O'Billovich are capable, elegant women who could have gone quite different and successful directions, but instead fell in love with football lifers.

Most of the years have been terrific. A few, because of the nature of their husbands' jobs, were awful.

Here are some of their thoughts, distilled.

1. Football is your life during the season, and if it isn't, you may have the wrong spouse.

"[During the season], everything focuses around him, from the minute you get up in the morning until he comes home at night, and that's just the way it is," says O'Billovich, whose husband Bob has coached both the CFL's Toronto Argonauts and the B.C. Lions, and also served as general manager in three cities — right now at Hamilton.

"Our family, we eat, we sleep, we dream about it — the kids are very involved in it and they probably know more about football than most people. And they know our whole life is focused around that … that's what it's about."

Known around the league as "Mrs. Obie," O'Billovich tells her tale at a game in Toronto that she spends sitting right next to her husband as he does his work watching the Cats and jotting down notes.

They are together like this as often as possible. But, you know, there are priorities.

"This is funny — I say to Bob all the time 'God help me if I ever died during football season because you'd have to put me on ice — there's just no time to work in a funeral," she says, laughing.

2. Learn to quickly unpack and pack

Ritchie and her husband Dave have been so many places his coaching resume reads like a Johnny Cash song, including stops over 50 years in places like West Virginia, the University of Cincinnati (twice), Montreal, Italy (of all places) and Marshall University.

He came back to the CFL in Winnipeg as an assistant in 1990, went to Ottawa and then when he became a head coach spent time in B.C., Montreal and Winnipeg.

Each time they unpacked everything. Every box. They always moved in.

"We used to save our boxes — we had them stacked up in the basement, all the different sizes, because we never knew if we had to pay for the next move," says Sharon Ritchie, on the phone from McDonald, Pa., about 20 minutes from Pittsburgh and right in the middle of football country.

Many of their moves weren't the couple's idea, of course. And many times they had to pay for everything themselves.

3. You never know where you might end up

Italy was fun. After not being retained as head coach at the University of Cincinnati, job prospects seemed slim so Dave Ritchie took an offer to go to Italy in the mid-1980s, where gridiron football was in its infancy.

The team, located about 35 kilometres from Switzerland, included two Americans and the rest Italians, and the job came with airfare, a car, an apartment (once owned by famed Juventus coach Giovanni Trapattoni) and an interpreter. All the players were part-timers.

One season (everything in a coach's life is measured by seasons, not by years), and the Ritchies came back to Marshall University in West Virginia.

4. Learn to multi-task

Baby bottle washer, chief cook, bookkeeper, de facto business agent, plumber — all part of the job as the spouse of a coach.

Sharon Ritchie has seen many players' wives who handle that role well then have to step into the much different (more time, more stress) job of coach's spouse — some do it well, some don't. She has counselled many, and the message is the same.

"I would definitely tell them it's not just your husband's [or wife's] job, coaching is your life, and if you don't embrace it, it's going to be difficult," she says. "And if you aren't willing to, you need to really think about this and talk about this as a couple because it really is your life.

"You have to do everything to keep the marriage going, and the family going, there's the waiting, you have to do the cheerleading, the moving, the crying, the budgeting, the repairing — you have to juggle it all."

Ritchie had the advantage of a husband who was dedicated to his family to the point that when the other coaches went out, he came home. Every spare moment was for his wife and children.

5. Stand by your man (or woman)

Ritchie says part of the deal when you wed a coach is you show up.

"When you marry a coach you have to sign on the dotted line that you go to every game, in rain, snow, sleet or whatever," she says, adding that, win or lose, you also have to be prepared for the game to follow you home.

"At first, Dave didn't particularly bring it home because he didn't want to worry me, but as the years went along I was so much a part of it he would confide in me.

"I didn't walk behind him, I was beside him. I talk about our teams, I'm always saying 'When WE won the Grey Cup.' I always say we because we [the family] were always such a part of it."

O'Billovich says the hard part is the losing, and her husband has won big, and lost big in the CFL.

"We die with him. It's horrible. When he comes in, we feel his pain."

But now their two daughters and a son are grown, they also aren't above a little healthy criticism.

"You should hear the discussion in the car on the way home after the game, especially when we play poorly," she says.

"They critique everything. Scott Mitchell [Tiger-Cats president] used to say 'I'd hate to be driving home in your car tonight' because he knew how well the kids understand the game, and they love to rehash the whole thing with him."

Their grandson is five. He also has opinions.

6. Be prepared for the worst of times

A day after Ritchie was fired as head coach of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers in early August of 2004, he called his wife with some reporters in his already cleaned-out office.

"Put on your boxing gloves," he told her, as reported in the Winnipeg Free Press. "We'll go to another city and come back boxing."

But while the big bear's mind was already ready for another challenge, his heart wasn't in it. Literally.

A few weeks later, coach Ritchie was in hospital having bypass surgery while the Bombers — a team he and his family had given their hearts and souls to — lurched to a 7-11 finish following three strong previous seasons.

Sharon Ritchie hated that season. She won't say everything she wants to on the record (there's a seven minute pause on the reporter's tape for the off-the-record opinions) but even now, over the phone from Pennsylvania, you can hear it.

"Our last year in Winnipeg, it was the most hurtful … our backs were pretty much up against the wall," she says, and don't expect her to be objective here — this is family.

"My husband went there when [Winnipeg] was 3-15. The first year they only did 6-12 because … there was no money, no Canadian content. But two years later he won 12 straight games, went 14-4 and they went to the Grey Cup."

They lost, but add that season to the next two and Ritchie was 37-17 in that time, lost a bunch of guys to the NFL and thus started 2-5 in 2004.

Fired.

His wife was furious. And that has helped her understand what Richie Hall and his family have been through this year with the Edmonton Eskimos — every week a crisis.

"Every game it's if you don't win this game, you'll be gone. That's no way to treat anybody," she says.

7. Rejoice in the best of times

Both coaches won Grey Cups. Both wives say that was the absolute best.

O'Billovich's came in 1983 with the Argos — an achievement that ended a 30-year drought by the Toronto franchise.

"It was very emotional," says his wife. "He still cries about it. The fans had been hungry for so long."

Obie took the Double Blue to three Grey Cup games, losing in 1982 and 1987 (the latter one of the all-time classics), and as it always goes, he lost his job eventually (in 1989). It took his wife years to get over the bitterness.

Coach Ritchie won the cup in 1994 with the B.C. Lions, an event the team celebrated on the field this season by bringing as many players back as possible.

8. Know that it's worth it, if you have the right relationship

Judy and Bob O'Billovich can often be seen whispering things to each other during a game. They are completely into it, together.

"It's a wonderful life, it really and truly is," she says. "We have met so many fabulous people along the way that have been so supportive — they have stood by us through thick and thin."

Her thoughts go to current Cats' head coach Marcel Bellefeuille and his wife Julie, who are just a few years into the adventure.

"I'm always so happy when somebody goes on to be a head coach and [the couple] are moving up the ladder," she says.

"I remember when [Marcel] took over and we went to the Grey Cup in Montreal and it was just so great to watch them work the room, and I couldn't have been more thrilled for them if they had been our own children."