Handy tips for navigating tense conversations this holiday

It's the time of year when people come together – around the family dinner table, at the office holiday party, with friends from far and wide.

But when we all assemble under one roof, the different personalities and dynamics can often trigger conflicts both old and new. So how can we come together to raise a glass without also raising our voice?

Sarah Rozenthuler is a psychologist and the author of Life-Changing Conversations: 7 Strategies for Talking About What Matters Most.

Here are her tips for how to handle those inevitable touchy conversations with the people we love – but fundamentally disagree with.

1. Be prepared

Sometimes arguments with family can feel like Groundhog Day -- we hit the same flashpoints over and over. But if you know what's coming, you can prepare yourself. Consider ahead of time what you want to say and how you want to say it. It's also important to consider in advance how to end a conversation: what are you going to say if the other person shuts down or doesn't want to talk? If things start going downhill, be ready to suggest picking up the conversation another time. This keeps the door for dialogue open while putting an end to any tension that's building.

2. Pick your moment

If you know you're going to butt heads with a specific relative, choosing the right time to have that conversation is crucial. An ideal time? "Before the bottles of wine or beer are opened, or the TV gets switched on," Rozenthuler suggests, "so people are receptive and the atmosphere is conducive to having a conversation."

3. Take a pause

If the person who drives you insane says something upsetting, try to pause a moment before responding. The good old-fashioned advice of counting to ten or taking a deep breath "gives us time for our thinking brain to switch back on," Rozenthuler says. Taking a moment before responding not only helps you to calm down; it also buys you time to think about what you're going to say next.

4. Let them know they're heard

It helps to demonstrate to the other person that you've heard what they have to say (however irritating it may be for you to admit it!). A simple phrase such as "I understand you feel that way," or "I can understand that is your perspective," lets the other person know you're actually listening, even if you disagree with what they're saying.

5. Acknowledge the awkwardness

What starts out as simple chit-chat can often move into difficult territory when opinions are strongly expressed. If the atmosphere is starting to get tense or unpleasant, don't be afraid to point it out. Sometimes recognizing that things are getting tense and suggesting a time-out can be enough to reset the conversation.

6. Watch your tone

Tone of voice is huge in any discussion. Sometimes we express contempt or dismiss others' ideas and opinions without even realizing it, so be mindful of how you're speaking. Also, if you keep your tone in check, it won't give the other person the opportunity dismiss you or hijack the conversation because of your tone.

7. Tune into emotion

Be aware of how you're feeling and share that with the other person. Sometimes a conversation seems like it's about one thing, when really it's about something else. Checking in with yourself about your unmet needs – such as a need for some thanks or appreciation – and being able to voice that need can lead to more understanding on both sides.

Click LISTEN to hear Sarah Rozenthuler's full interview with Mary, where she offers more tangible strategies for how to deal with those dinner-table discussions and also tells some of her own tales of when knowing a thing or two about how to approach contentious chit-chat came in handy.