Arsing around with the New York Times crossword - Michael's essay
When you work The New York Times crossword puzzle every day religiously for more than 20 years, there are few surprises. By now you know that a Hawaiian goose is a nene, a second city in Utah is Orem and that Notre Dame's legendary football coach Parseghian is Ara.
And you know that the difficulty of the puzzle is graduated, like income tax: dead easy on Monday, very tough on Saturday, tougher and longer in The Sunday Magazine.
Well, given all that, you can imagine my horror the other day decoding the Thursday version. The clue was a four-letter word for an "Oxford bottom." I seemed to recall that the Brits sometimes refer to water craft as a bottom. So I tried boat. I tried scow. Neither worked. I plugged on until I got the answer. The four-letter word was "arse".
Arse. Right there in The New York Times.
Well you can imagine, I was gobsmacked. I had to lie down. Anxious relatives gathered round. Someone put a cooling flannel on my forehead. Arse. Right there.
Imagine what would happen if a senior, weakened and wizened by the scourge of aging, saw it. Worse, what if one of the kidlets caught a glimpse? I'm no prude and I accept that potty language abounds in our culture. But we try not to make it too obvious.
For example here at the CBC, Mother Corp turns a keen ear to any naughty words which might disgrace her airwaves. Mother has an extensive list of forbidden words and phrases which hosts and presenters must commit to memory. There is a regular test and review on the second Tuesday of every month.
Whenever I have questions on colourful language usage, I consult my Salvage, Newfoundland, friend, the writer and artist Peter Pickersgill. Every Canadian over the age of eight knows that Newfoundlanders are world champions when it comes to colourful language. And arse is a favourite word.
Said Pickersgill: "When you are invited onto somebody's boat, it's polite to ask where one should sit. You will likely be told to sit 'in the 'ed of 'er or the arse of 'er.'" Or this: If you ask a Newfoundland friend the best way to pursue a certain course of action or goal, you might be told "don't put that cart before the arse." Or my favourite: When your best laid plans go awry in a significantly chaotic way, it can be said that "the arse has gone out of 'er."
Two things I must leave with you.
One, I'm glad to see The New York Times finally treating its readers and crosswords puzzle addicts like adults.
And two, I wouldn't want to leave the impression that the good people of Newfoundland and Labrador are obsessed with the word arse. They are not. Nevertheless, I wonder sometimes why the street in the village where our summer rental house is located, is called Backside Drive.