For Destiny's Child's Michelle Williams, depression didn't follow fame — she had the illness since childhood

Warning: This story contains discussion of depression and suicide.

In early 2000, singer Michelle Williams skyrocketed to fame after joining the girl group Destiny's Child alongside Beyoncé and Kelly Rowland.

While the pressures of overnight success have caused many artists to struggle with their mental health, Williams says fame had the opposite effect on her — at least at first. She had been experiencing symptoms of depression since the seventh grade, although she didn't have the words to describe it until her 30s.

"I had been dealing with [depression] since a young age," the singer told host Tom Power in an interview on CBC Radio's Q. "Fame didn't cause depression, Destiny's Child didn't cause depression — it was something that I had already been dealing with."

WATCH | Michelle Williams's full interview with Q's Tom Power:

For her first year in the group, the excitement of achieving mainstream recognition soothed her anxiety. As Williams puts it, "Depression was not on the itinerary." But soon enough, the all-too-familiar symptoms of mental illness crept back into her life.

"You feel like you're just swimming in a sea of darkness," she said. "You feel hopeless. And I was very — I was a little too comfortable with the [thought of] suicide. I was even talking to God. I was like, 'I've lived a pretty decent life. You can take me now. I'm OK. I've done all I'm gonna do.'"

Williams opens up about her mental health journey and road to recovery in her new memoir, Checking In: How Getting Real about Depression Saved My Life — and Can Save Yours.

She said she wanted to share her story now to help people who may also be struggling with depression, noting that in 2021, there are improved tools and resources to treat mental health disorders.

'Say My Name was the beginning of a whole new life'

Before joining Destiny's Child, Williams was pursuing a degree in criminal justice and was interested in a career in forensic psychology. On the day she was supposed to be shadowing a county coroner at an autopsy, she instead got on a plane to Los Angeles to shoot the video for Say My Name.

"Say My Name was the beginning of a whole new life for me," she told Power.

The song would go on to win two Grammy Awards, and the music video won the 2000 MTV Video Music Award for best R&B video.

WATCH | Official video for Say My Name by Destiny's Child:

By her second or third year in Destiny's Child, Williams told the group's manager that she thought she was depressed.

"He was like, 'I don't know, Michelle. I mean, you guys are doing great. You got deals, you got Barbie dolls, you're about to go on tour…. I don't know if I'd call it depression. There's so much good going on for you and around you,'" she recalled.

"I said, 'Well, maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm homesick.' … And I just went on ahead. I didn't treat it. I wouldn't say [I] ignored it, but I just kept it moving."

Mocked on Saturday Night Live

In her book, Williams writes about being parodied on Saturday Night Live. In the media, she was often compared negatively to Beyoncé and Rowland, and was hyper aware of the fact that she wasn't the star of the group.

"This [went] beyond the mocking in the school cafeteria," she said.

At the time, Williams was so busy she didn't give the ridicule much thought, but she also didn't want to believe she was being laughed at.

"There was a part of me that was a little naive," she said. "Like, 'Wait, are they making fun of me?' Part of me didn't want to think that that's what was going on."

WATCH | Official video for Survivor by Destiny's Child:

Taking back control of her story

In 2018, Williams checked herself into a treatment facility for depression. She shared the news in a statement on Instagram while she was still undergoing treatment.

In her interview with Power, the Destiny's Child singer said she didn't want to go public with that information so soon, but TMZ already had the story. When the tabloid contacted her asking for confirmation, she hadn't even told her family and close friends about the situation.

"By the time TMZ gets their hands on something, they pretty much already know what's going on," she said. "That's when we had to say, 'OK, now how do you want this to come out?' I didn't want it to come out at all, but if it had to come out, how do you want this to come out?"

While the singer said she would have shared the story eventually, it was unfortunate it had to come out the very same week she was in the hospital.

In 2019, shortly after her recovery, Williams began writing her memoir. For her, it was a way of taking back control of the narrative.

When Power asked what she's learned from writing the book, she responded with an affirmation to herself: "Girl, you are brave to get out here and do this."

"To take a risk of maybe people seeing you differently — at this point, I don't care," she said. "People have seen me in all types of different ways. But I just think it's cementing me on a new path and a new purpose. Like I said, I've lived a great life. I've had a blast. But you know, sometimes you do evolve into a new purpose or a new calling. And I believe this is what it is for me right now."

Written by Vivian Rashotte. Interview produced by Danielle Grogan.