My big break was a film about my dad. Then he passed away

This First Person column is written by filmmaker Ian Bawa. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.

As a kid, my dad would sometimes intimidate me. He would be the "bad cop" to my mom who played the role of the "good cop." When I was 20, my mom suddenly passed away from breast cancer, and my dad and I had to learn how to live with each other's temperaments and grief.

I continued to live at home with my dad for another 10 years, where our relationship developed into a co-dependent friendship. When I eventually moved out, I stayed close with my father and began to incorporate him into my life even more by having him act in my films.

In August 2019 I asked my dad to act in my short film, Strong Son. The film was about a South Asian father, played by my dad, as he tries to give life and marital advice to his bodybuilding son at the gym. The film was a three-minute narrative portrait of my life and my relationship with my father. I wanted to make the film for me because it was about me.

Once finished, I didn't know what to do with the film. It didn't seem like a film anyone would want to watch since it was about our relationship and my insecurities. But after showing it to a few trusted friends, I decided that I should at least try to get it seen by more than my inner circle and began sending it to film festivals.

WATCH | The trailer for Ian Bawa's film Strong Son

In July 2020, my film was accepted into the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF).

It's hard to put into words what happened next. 

Friends and strangers started to reach out to celebrate what my dad and I had accomplished and a film that incorporated diversity, family and vulnerability. Reviewers and film critics praised Strong Son as a favourite at the festival. It made my dad and I feel like celebrities and brought an upswing to my career and life.

But then my dad died. I found him dead in his room. A failed heart, according to the medical examiner. 

I ghosted the world. I was embarrassed. I was crushed. A film I made about my father and me was being talked about and seen around the world, and now everyone knew he was dead. I felt the pity of the world. The film felt dead too. So I hid from the world.

I did not see or talk to anyone, and felt the need to focus my trauma and devastation into something I could mold and shape. So I began to write a new story. It was about a South Asian father and his son who begin to see a shadow of their beloved wife and mother around the walls of their home after her death. This story was still about my father, but told through the experience of loss and depression. The story would be called, 'My Son Went Quiet,' and is now being made into a short film.

I love my parents. I love them so much that it feels like it's killing me inside some days. When you lose one parent, you crack the foundation. When you lose both, you destroy the home.

So here I am, a year or so after my father's death, still living alone (although I adopted a dog for companionship), still in my grief (although I've been told that I'm now in the mourning stage), and trying to write. 

I have learned that writing and making films about my parents, specifically my dad and our relationship, has been therapeutic for me. It's the subject I know the best right now because it's my constant state.

WATCH | Ian Bawa wrote a song for Father's Day

I have learned that you should always be vulnerable within your art because that is the only way people will respond and connect with you and your film. But once you open the doors of vulnerability, you have to be prepared to talk about it.

I have done this more than once in my journey as a filmmaker, and am now blessed (though some might say cursed) to share and talk about my father and his death regularly. At this point, he feels more than dead. He is part of me and my stories. He is my shadow, my muse, and my best friend. I miss him.

Ian Bawa is a filmmaker from Winnipeg. He's best known for his films Offline, The Champ, Imitations and Tapeworm. His latest short film Strong Son premiered at the 2020 Toronto International Film Festival, 2020 Vancouver International Film Festival, and the 2021 Aspen Shortsfest. Bawa is currently adapting Strong Son into a feature film and is in production of his newest film, 'My Son Went Quiet.'

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