I keep my mom's 30 year-old suicide note in my wallet ー and I'm not sure why
WARNING: This story contains details that may be distressing to some readers
Contributed by Corinne McDermott, as told to Now or Never
The first line of my mother's suicide note was, "I'm really sorry to do this to you."
Even though I understand the sentiment behind it, I kind of feel like it doesn't really provide any comfort to know that they're sorry that they're doing it. It would be easier to take if the first line was, "I'm not sorry to do this to you ー this is something I need to do for myself."
But the thing is, that would be a more true statement from someone who has clarity and isn't suffering from mental illness.
The simple fact that a person says they're sorry, but clearly isn't sorry enough to not go through with it, is something that someone who survives a suicide lives with for the rest of their life.
I can't imagine not knowing where it is
For the most part, my mother's suicide note was basically just instructions ー here are some bank accounts, here's some insurance information. I think at the time, I thought it was just a real moment of clarity, and this is going to be some grandiose statement of the answer to the question, "Why?" It's a few sentences that are supposed to mean everything, and they kind of just don't mean anything.
Now that I'm older, I'm not entirely sure what it means to me. It's not a love letter. I don't really know what to do with it. So that's why it's been in my wallet for 30 years, which is strange. But it's the last piece of my mother that I have.
I have places in my home that I keep important pieces of paper, like my marriage certificate, my kids' birth certificates, our various passports, but it doesn't really seem like the kind of thing that should also be kept in those files. And if I went to check a certain file or folder, and it wasn't there.... Even though I don't think about it everyday, I can't imagine not knowing where it is. So I guess that's why I keep it with me.
And god forbid, my wallet gets stolen. Maybe losing my wallet or having my wallet be stolen would be the only way that I could separate myself from it. I've thought about burning it in some kind of ceremony. Obviously, you just can't crumple it up and throw it in the garbage. But maybe I should. Maybe it's not healthy to have it with me all the time.
I just can't get rid of it
I have reminders everywhere of my mom. But now, I'm finally at the point in my life where it's not hanging over me, every second of every day. I'm fortunate in that, my life has become pretty good ー a happy marriage, two beautiful children ー none of which she gets to be part of.
My kids don't have a nana who would have loved them. My husband doesn't get to know the woman who sacrificed so much for me when I was small. And I don't have a mom. And it's hard. It's always been hard, and always will be.
I think people expect a suicide note to have all the answers, when in reality, it just kind of leaves people with more questions.
And I just can't get rid of it.
Where to get help:
Canada Suicide Prevention Service
1-833-456-4566
Text: 45645
Chat: crisisservicescanada.ca
En français
Association québécoise de prévention du suicide: 1-866-APPELLE (1-866-277-3553)
Kids Help Phone
1-800-668-6868 (Phone)
Live Chat counselling at www.kidshelpphone.ca
Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention
Post-Secondary Student Helpline
1-866-925-5454
If you're worried someone you know may be at risk of suicide, you should talk to them about it, says the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention.
This segment originally aired in April 2019. This interview has been edited for clarity and length. To hear the full story, click the 'listen' button at the top of the page.