I'm learning to love my body despite my family's criticism
Robbie Ambrosio's family has never hesitated to call him "taba," the word for fat in Tagalog
This First Person story is the experience of Robbie Ambrosio, whose family never hesitated to call him fat to his face. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.
When my family immigrated to Canada in the 90s, from the Philippines, most of what was shown on television was skinny white people having it all. Sometimes you got the 'fat friend', a character that only existed to be the punchline for terrible jokes.
Growing up, I've always felt like that punchline.
I remember when I was twelve or so, my mom and I would watch Baywatch before bedtime, the worst possible television show to watch for a chubby kid's self-esteem.
It was hard enough finding Asian representation back then, but seeing these Olympian-like gods run around in slow motion made me feel like I would never have the same opportunities as them.
In my culture, it's the relatives that set beauty standards on how we are supposed to look. They're the ones that helped reinforce all of my insecurities.
One of the frustrations that I've had to deal with, in my culture, is that Filipino people have no tact when it comes to calling you fat to your face or, as they would say in Tagalog, "taba".
A few years ago, while attending a family barbecue, my aunties launched their attack on my cousin and I.
"Oh, my gosh! You two got so big! How are you going to find someone if you're not skinny?"
They didn't mean it in a hurtful way; they were just worried about our health, or so they said. Then, at the next family get-together, another comment was made. And another. And another.
It's like that movie Groundhog Day, except it's your relatives body shaming you in an endless loop that makes you feel like you will never be good enough, you will never be accepted, until you conform to what society tells you is normal.
During a regular checkup with my doctor, they said that I was overweight and that I needed to start taking care of myself. The difference between my doctor saying it, compared to my family members, is that I felt the doctor wanted me to have a better quality of life, to avoid health complications. They wanted the best version of me to exist.
When my family tells me to lose weight, it's with a lot of shaming. It's a toxic way to help someone.- Robbie Ambrosio
When my family tells me to lose weight, it's with a lot of shaming. It's a toxic way to help someone.
This past winter I posted a before and after shot of myself on Facebook after losing some weight. Without missing a beat, a family member from the Philippines told me I was still too large. Nothing will ever be good enough.
The only way I was able to move forward and find peace with my body is by forgiving myself for all the negative beliefs I had about my body throughout the years and letting go of all the toxic expectations that I put on myself. In doing so I was able to make room for a better version of myself.
This isn't an overnight process.
At the beginning of this year, every day after I woke up and got ready for the day, I would tell myself something positive about my body. I would look at myself in the mirror and within a month's time I started seeing small changes in my body.
These positive affirmations helped me gain confidence and take my power back. To anyone reading this who's struggling with their body and who has been called taba daily, please remember that YOU are good enough and no one can tell you otherwise