Horny and alone?

All four thousand pounds of Sabari are seeking that certain special some-rhinoceros. The Calgary Zoo's only rhinoceros is so desperate for love that staff have even turned to computer dating to hook him up. They're using the Association of Zoos and Aquariums Species Survival Plan, sort of Grinder for animals, to try and find him a mate.

Because News host Gavin Crawford imagines that Sabari's online profile might sound a little something like this:

As if looking for love isn't enough pressure, Sabari's got an even bigger concern: he's on the endangered species list. "So much pressure. Go propagate your species!" commiserated panelist Rebecca Northan.

"It's good for the species," suggested comedian Kris Siddiqi.

"I've heard that before," Gavin said, a suggestion that received nods of recognition from all.

Are the other female rhinoceros​ single? They're just going to break up another happy rhino couple?- ex-lexicographer Tom Howell

Although the Because News team seemed more concerned for Sabari's fate, they quickly become preoccupied with finding a sexy new name for Association of Zoos and Aquariums Species Survival Plan. Proposed rebranding efforts for the zoo-to-zoo love connection site included Grrrrinder, Ani-mate, Noah's After D'Ark or Plenty of Fish and Other Animals.

After Sabari is shipped to his mate at a new zoo, a family of giant pandas will move into his enclosure, proving that gentrification is becoming a problem even within the nation's zoos.