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The AIH Transcript for April 01, 2020

Hosts: Carol Off and Chris Howden

Prologue

CO: Breaking the banks. Venture capitalist Rick Peterson says that if Canada's big banks don't do more to help Canadians fight the pandemic, Justin Trudeau should take the fight to the banks.

CH: And... we play the fool. April 1st, 2020 may go down in history as the day no one felt much like joking. But there's no April Fools like an old April Fools. So we revisit that time we talked to the Royal Canadian Mint about a new three-dollar coin. As it happens, the Wednesday Edition. Radio that today anyway suffers fools gladly.

[Music: Theme]

Part one: Bank critic Philly hospital, Zoom security

Bank critic

Guest: Rick Peterson

[/sc]

CH: That was Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland speaking in Ottawa. But while the Trudeau government says it's working with the banks, Rick Peterson is losing patience. Mr. Peterson is the President of Peterson Capital and a former Conservative leadership candidate. In an opinion piece today he suggests that Canada's banks deserve what he calls "a butt-kicking" for failing to help out in the crisis. We reached Rick Peterson in Edmonton.

CO: Mr. Peterson, you said that Canada's banks need a butt-kicking. What do you mean by that?

RICK PETERSON: Well, the Canadian banks, Carol, are protected largely through government legislation. And as a result of that, they are able to make a ton of money. And in a situation we’re in Canada right now, where the banks have been given extra liquidity to help Canadians out, they're just not stepping up. They're not proactive. And are not helping people in the way that they likely should be given their protection and given the extra liquidity that the Bank of Canada has given them.

CO: And what has been put in place by the federal government at this point that they could be using in order to ease the situation for people?

RP: It's actually the Bank of Canada, Carol, what the Bank of Canada does, it's like your parents when you're a little kid, they can decide how much spending money you have or not. And so a couple of weeks ago, when COVID-19 first hit, the Bank of Canada reduced their interest rates for the loans that they are giving the bank. So they’ve essentially said to the banks, Canadians are going to be in trouble. Here's an extra 300-billion dollars. So that's about a third of the amount of money the banks have outstanding right now in loans, saying here's an extra third that you may use to facilitate and help people through the crisis. So banks are private companies, well, they're publicly traded, but they're owned by shareholders. So they owe nothing to the government directly. But the Bank of Canada and the government work closely to try to make sure that Canadians have the help they need in a situation like we're in right now. So what's happened, Carol, is the banks have been given more liquidity to help the demand from bank customers. And based on what I've seen, and a lot of Canadians have seen, the banks really haven't moved. They haven't done much. There has been a waiting of some payments, but interest rates are still high. Charges are still high on regular banking fees. Now, I just saw this morning, mortgage rates have actually gone up a bit, right?

CO: Right. But their argument is that they have. Well, for one thing, they have deferred mortgage payments for up to six months. The head of the Canadian Bankers Association said that they have worked with, quote, unprecedented collaboration and speed, never in the history of the country has there been an announcement like the one we made over a week ago to defer mortgage deferrals for up to six months. They claim they're doing their part. What do you say to them?

RP: Mortgage deferral, Carol, is a payment that you still owe. You know, you owe them, but you don't owe them next month or the month after. But the interest that you're being charged still is being owed and is actually being compounded. So what's happening is you're not really getting a break on the amount of money that you owe. You're actually going to be paying interest on the unpaid amount over that period of time. So a deferral is a break. But when you're still charging interest on that, and that interest is compounded over that period of deferral, you're really not getting a help. And Visa card rates, I think, are the big thing, Carol, that people are saying, gee, why, I understand that I need to pay my Visa. I get that. Banks, you don't have to have a visa card, but if you are a visa client, and you're running into problems with your business right now, 20 percent rates in normal times are well, okay, these aren't normal times. The banks have moved on the Visa rates.

CO: And many people have pointed out that that is one thing they could do is to hold back those rates, to reduce them, to waive them for a period of time, keeping the principle, of course, in their sights.

RP: Absolutely.

CO: Any suggestion that they might do that? Have you heard any response to those requests?

RP: Zero. I haven't heard any, Carol. The other area that would be really of use is if I have a small business, if I rent a barbershop or a pet grooming shop, I have an account with my banker. And if my business has stopped overnight, my banker, he or she, knows what my revenue has looked like in the past. Knows what kind of income I've been making, what my client flow looks like. And let's pretend my business was doing twenty thousand dollars a month, and it stops. And I call my banker, I say, gee, Mr. or Ms. banker, you can see what's happened. Could I get a line of credit or an extension for two or three months? Because I have bills that are coming in right now? The government has been giving the banks loan capacities, loan facilities to do this. The problem you have, Carol, with what's being rolled out by the government is it's going to take forever, right, to have people apply, to have those approved and to get those back. And most Canadians have a bank account. Most Canadians have a relationship with a bank. And there should be no reason that the bankers shouldn't be able to say to you, yes or no. And let's get this done. And here's how we can do it. What we're hearing back now are people calling their bankers and saying fill out the application form and we'll kick it up the ladder. And that's just not good enough.

CO: The National Post reported that the Trudeau government, in its attempt to secure those special taxation powers last week [dry chuckling], which they took quite a beating for as a power grab and highly criticized, and they backed away from it. But the report is, is that what they wanted those powers for was in order to have an upper hand in negotiating with the banks. And do you think that Mr. Trudeau is in the position now where he can give the banks the kind of butt-kicking you're talking about?

RP: Absolutely, he can. And Mr. Morneau is in a great spot. Two weeks ago, Carol, when the First Bank of Canada rate cut happened, Mr. Morneau publicly said he's going to keep an eye on the banks to make sure they’re not gouging people. So what can Mr. Morneau do? He can rewrite the Bank Act. The Canadian chartered banks are highly protected, highly protected by regulatory capital means and any other means to make sure that they theoretically are a safe institution for us. But what's happened, Carol, is the regulatory rules in Canada make Canada not only the most protected banking system, but the most protected from competition. So what Mr. Morneau has, as I mentioned in the article I wrote today, is he's got the stick to open up competition, let these formed banks be more aggressive. And maybe I'm not going to pay a dollar fifty for every Interact transaction I make. That would be nice.

CO: All right. We'll leave it there. Mr. Peterson, thank you.

RP: Thank you, Carol.

CO: Bye.

CH: Rick Peterson is the president of Peterson Capital. We reached him in Edmonton.

[Music: Folksy]

Philly hospital

Guest: Helen Gym

CO: Councilmember Gym, if things get bad, how much difference could Hahnemann University Hospital make?

HELEN GYM: Well, I mean, you know, I think the issue here is that Philadelphia is the poorest large city in the country. We have almost a quarter of our residents live below the poverty line. We are also the largest American city without a public hospital. And we don't want to be the only city in the country that has a vacant hospital building as we face a global health crisis. You know, it's hard to say right now. I would like to tell you that we are in the worst of it. And that this will be the peak and we won't need anymore, and it will start to go down over the next month or so. But we don't actually know. We do know that we are on a desperate search for hospital beds, for treatment facilities, for building field hospitals, for another morgue, and that these are serious concerns. And the only obstacle, the only obstacle to using Hahnemann is then an individual's desire to extract as much money as possible, a million dollars a month to profit off of this pandemic.

CO: Okay, So now let’s ask you a bit about that. Because you have been trying to strike a deal with the man who owns this building, Joel Freedman, he says, through his spokesperson, that he wants to be helpful to the city of Philadelphia and its leaders. He says he's trying to be reasonable. How would you describe the offer that Mr. Freedman has made?

HG: Yeah, I mean, I think that our mayor and the city has made it perfectly clear that Mr. Freedman bankrupted this hospital in a matter of months when he ran it into the ground. And threw thousands of employees and doctors into the lurch by having them lose their jobs. And now, months later, he sits on the vacant building in a city that is facing, with dread, the biggest health emergency that we've ever seen. And he is trying to extract as much money as possible. I don't know how else to characterize it. I don't consider him to be a good judge of his own character or the city's best interests or the public interest. Because he's proven already that in taking away one of the only few safety net hospitals we have here in the city, that he doesn't really put the public interests at heart. He puts his bottom line at heart.

CO: So he said that he offered, first of all, that the city could purchase the building at fair market value. The city can't afford to do that. And then so he's offered a six-month lease. What is the lease that he's offering?

HG: I don't know all the details of it. I understand that it works out to around a million dollars a month. He's charging it like it's a fully-equipped hospital rather than the vacant hospital building, former hospital building that it is. And I don't know that it matters what the details of his particular deals are. I believe that you know, should it come to it, the city should exercise all reasonable and means of its authority to acquire what is necessary. And that there are tools at our disposal that are available to do that. And that Mr. Freedman can be compensated. I just don't think he gets to choose the terms of his compensation, or that he is the sole definer of what fair market value is or just compensation. So, you know, again, you know, I think that the bigger story out of Philadelphia is that, you know, we're looking at an American health care system… There is no greater example of the American health care system than than exactly what Joel Freedman is defining right now. And his system, which has been run by profit, has run hospitals into the ground, leaving a city in the lurch and not as fully prepared as we should be to face this crisis.

CO: Uh-huh. And so now I guess the argument back is that he is, Mr. Freedman is a businessman, and the federal government, Washington, is saying that there is two trillion dollars out there that is available to fight this pandemic. Is that money that's accessible to you? Can you get at any of the funds that are there in order to offer, Mr. Freedman, I guess what he wants?

HG: I don't think we will be doing what Mr. Freedman wants. We will be doing what is in the best interests of Philadelphia and our city and its residents. That is the number one responsibility that this city has. It is not to Mr. Freedman. Most people understand that the two trillion dollar package that was released by Congress very recently is not even scratching the surface in terms of what people will need. I can guarantee you that the last thing that anybody in our city wants to see is someone like Joel Freedman, who has already taken advantage of a trillion-and-a-half dollars in tax cuts that has been given generously to him by our existing Congress, we’ll not be the first person to benefit from this pandemic.

CO: Okay, just want to ask you, just finally, you have tools, you have laws. Can you just say, look, we need this facility. We have people who are desperate. We have people who are sick. We're taking it. Can you do that?

HG: I think that there are definitely tools at our disposal that go into that arena and it will depend on... It is up to the city about when and how it's going to exercise those things. At this stage, you know, as I said, I hope we're in the worst of it, and we will never need it. But if this situation gets worse, all things should be on the table.

CO: All right. We'll be watching. Councilmember Gym, I appreciate speaking with you. Thank you.

HG: Thank you.

CO: Bye.

CH: Helen Gym is a Philadelphia City Councilmember. We reached her in Philadelphia.

[Music: Pop]

Zoom security

Guest: Ceri Weber

[Music: Hip-hop]

April Fools promo

CO: Mr. Bromear, how did The Mint arrive at the conclusion that we needed a three dollar coin?

ALBERT BROMEAR: Well, Carol, we at the mint are always trying to get costs down. And the plain fact is that paper money costs money. It wears out very quickly as you know if you've carried a bill around for any length of time. And we find the fives in particular are subject to — I'm not exactly sure why — I know that it has something to do with the face of Wilfred Laurier. They get defaced, which is illegal, of course. So it's just about time we thought the one and two went very, very. We're very pleased with it.

CO: So the five goes, we get the three, we can combine the three and the two together and get a five?

AB: Yeah, we’ve brought mathematicians in. It's basically the combinations available to us with a one, two, and three-dollar coin are infinitely greater we’ve found that if we were to have a five-dollar coin. Believe me. We've done our research on this.

CO: Have you researched the name? I mean the “Three-ny”, are we really stuck with that?

AB: Well, of course, that's not the official name. But that's what we're calling it around The Mint. We're certainly open to other suggestions. We do want to open the process up, having basically made the decision, we would like to open it up and make it kind of an interactive… Kind of a dialogue with the Canadian people.

CO: And so we can go to our audience and ask if they have names for this three-dollar coin if they want to submit them?

AB: I would very much appreciate it if you would. I’m an avid listener; I'll certainly be listening closely.

[/sc]

CH: That was Carol, talking to "Albert Bromear" from the Royal Canadian Mint about a fictional three-dollar coin on April Fool's Day, 2008. Mr. Bromear was portrayed, awkwardly, by me. You can hear more of that interview — and listeners' angry response to it, along with some of our pranks from past years — coming up later on As It Happens. And it’s all online now at: www.cbc.ca/aih.

CO: It's not just your opinion of the conditions. We have been hearing that across the board from those who advocate, most judges, other people who are witnessing the system. Senator Kim Pate, we had her on the show last week. She's called for low-risk prisoners, those who are close to their release date anyways, a series of other categories of that nature, that those people should be released so that the population can be spread out a bit more. We've heard Minister Bill Blair say that he might consider that. So do you think that that is something that is possibly going to happen?

MS: I hope it does, and I think it's possible because it's the only solution that's going to avert this crisis. That's going to strike our jails and trickle into our courts and into other institutions. Every time an inmate is infected and needs to go on a respirator, that's one less respirator that can be deployed in the community. So we have to do everything we can to prevent that. And that starts with decarceration. People who are serving sentences or who are awaiting trial for non-violent offences should be released immediately. And this is uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable because we don't usually like politicians interfering or directing what happens in the justice system or in the jails. There was a whole SNC-Lavalin scandal about that very thing last year. But extreme times call for extreme measures. And those measures may make us uncomfortable. But in the end, those measures are going to save money, more importantly, save lives and help our court system operate efficiently and effectively, so it doesn't break down under this crisis.

CO: All right. As you know, there are those who don't agree with you on this one. The union that represents Canada's correctional officers has put out a statement saying that releasing prisoners in the midst of a public health crisis would, quote, “be a complete disregard for public safety.” What's your response?

MS: Well, no one is talking about releasing violent individuals. And no one is talking about releasing individuals without supervision and monitoring. The statement that the jail guards put out at the height of hypocrisy. These are people that don't want to go in to their workplace because it is unsanitary and dangerous. And yet, that is the same place that they insist on confining non-violent, non-dangerous and elderly and vulnerable inmates to. And that is hypocritical. And more importantly, it's inhumane and dangerous.

CO: Is there anything that Correctional Service Canada could be doing at this point? We know that they're trying to improve the hygiene to some extent. But what can they do in the meantime to mitigate the conditions that you know are happening in places like the Ottawa Detention Centre?

MS: Well, we need frontline correctional officers to advocate for the people that they have care over and for themselves. And that means speaking out and making sure there is testing. That speaking out and making sure that there's appropriate sanitation. And when there's not, calling that out. Because the conditions that we've had in our jail have been inhumane, but now it's more than that. Now they can be deadly. And frontline officers need to get on board with making sure that they don't condemn the individuals that they have charge over to conditions that they themselves don't want to be around.

CO: Mr. Spratt, I appreciate speaking with you. Thank you.

MS: No problem. Anytime.

CO: Bye-bye.

CH: Michael Spratt is a criminal defence lawyer who has clients at the Ottawa-Carleton Detention Centre — which was under lockdown yesterday. We reached Mr. Spratt in Ottawa.

Mayor Tory lockdown

[/sc]

CH: That was Toronto Mayor John Tory announcing new measures to stop the spread of COVID-19 in the city.

Angry pharmacist

[sc]

GRAHAM MACKENZIE: Well, I think it was just the few businesses that are in town, in Baddeck here, you know, we all kind of talk amongst ourselves. And a lot of information that comes out is anecdotal. But just last weekend, it kind of occurred to me that just there were too many people understandably just going stir crazy at home or wanted to travel to get away from an area perhaps where there are active cases of COVID, or coming to open a cottage or whatever. And I think people were just forgetting exactly how successful this virus is at spreading. And it spreads so quickly. So trying to protect this little town, trying to protect the province, I felt it was just time just to say something and remind people ahead to stay home.

STEVE SUTHERLAND: And you have a concern with seasonal property owners in your area?

GM: Yeah. And I think this is something we've seen starting through the whole country, that it's just to get a jump on people will be coming around just to check on their own property and maybe even open up their property a little early. It's just not the time to do it right now. And I don't mean just like in Baddeck, I mean just widely in Cape Breton and in Nova Scotia and anywhere else in the country is if you have a property somewhere else and you think maybe you're gonna be helping yourself by avoiding the virus and getting into a sparsely populated area, that's probably not a good thing to do right now.

[/sc]

CH: From CBC Nova Scotia, that was host Steve Sutherland talking to Baddeck pharmacist Graham MacKenzie about tourists who are arriving in his town during the COVID-19 pandemic.

[Music: Jazz!]

Hanukkah attack obit

Guest: Yossi Gestetner

CO: And Josef Neumann was one of five who were wounded by this machete-wielding man who came into the gathering. He is the only one to die of those wounds. And so I just want to know a bit about Josef Neumann. There are things written about him. He sounds like... Someone said he was just like everybody's uncle. But he was so knowledgeable and so generous.

YG: Correct. So he was 71 years old at the time, the father of quite a few children, and had, of course, many grandchildren. And as you describe, he was a funny person, enjoying his retirement. So obviously, the gathering for Hanukkah was a big gathering and was more joyous due to the holiday until, of course, someone came in and executed the attack. Josef was sitting at the edge of a large table, quite closest to the door. This fact, and the fact that he was in a wheelchair at a time, this obviously rendered him helpless. And the attacker viciously basically attacked him more severely than anyone else.

CO: And I understand he did try to defend people. He had used his cane, he attempted to throw a table at this man.

YG: Correct. Yeah, he did try to push back with his cane a little bit. The point with the table was actually someone else in the house, and that led to the attack to stop. So certainly a joyous, happy moment to be uprooted in a hate-driven attack is unimaginable. And as I said before, stories, sadly, you know, they happen. And then over time to start to fade into the memory, except for those who are affected by it the most. And sadly, too often, as has been the case, now, people get pulled back to that moment by such a dark ending as we had this week.

CO: I know that you have personally spoken with Governor Andrew Cuomo. And you did so at the time about these attacks and all the other attacks, all these other anti-Semitic attacks that were happening at the time. And he gave you assurances that your communities would be protected and that these things wouldn't happen again. Has he helped? Has he done something about that?

YG: Obviously, no one can assure that an attack won't happen again. But the governor says privately and publicly that the state would do what the state can to make a difference. So he did make sure that there was an increased presence of state police. His office did make sure to call out and condemn anti-Semitism and all forms of hatred and bigotry. And more importantly, he had introduced a bill to the legislator, which would increase the penalty for people who commit a hate crime on a mass scale, such as what we saw during Hanukkah. And to illustrate to you how focussed the governor is on this issue, is that this week, when his main focus is obviously coronavirus here in New York State, he had his office reach out to me and reach out to the family to change the name of the bill. And he changed it to the Josef Neumann... I don't have the exact name in front of me, but basically, he made sure that the name of Josef Neumann would be in this bill.

CO: And you mentioned that Mr. Neumann has a very big family, but also obviously so many friends and people who relied on his great store of knowledge about Jewish teaching and Jewish history. How do they feel about this bill now being named after him?

YG: So here's the hard fact, the Coronavirus is on everyone's mind. The fact is that because Mr. Neumann passed away at a time like this, he wasn't able to have the funeral that he would have had. Between his children, in-laws and grandchildren, he has dozens and dozens of people. Yet, he didn't have a funeral. He had a burial, which was attended by maybe 30 people, which certainly is a person wasn't able to be remembered at a funeral as the way he would have in any given time. But this is a global crisis. And each community and each town and village and each region, province and state and country, needs to contend with this at this point, no matter what the situation is.

CO: Well, I think… I'm sure that he will be remembered by all those people and that family. He sounds like an extraordinary man and a great loss. Mr. Gestetner, I appreciate speaking with you. Thank you.

YG: Yeah, thank you very much for having me.

CO: Bye-bye.

YG: Bye.

CH: Yossi Gestetner is the co-founder of the Orthodox Jewish Public Affairs Council — and a friend of the late Josef Neumann. We reached him in New Jersey.

Part three: April Fools best of

JD: There's no shortage of so-called “fake news” these days. To the point that even the term itself seems to have lost credibility — if it an ever had any. So far be it from us to add to that confusion. The idea of disseminating false information has always been anathema to us here at As It Happens. Save on one day of the year where all bets are off. That day is not today. This year, of course, April Fool’s falls on Saturday — tomorrow — and that precludes us from justifiably indulging in any high jinks. So instead, we would like to revisit some of our favorite April Fool’s hoaxes from years gone by. So let us embark on our trip of fools beginning with this.

Three dollar coin

JD: On April 1st 2008, Carol spoke with a purported representative of the Royal Canadian Mint. Actually, it was As It Happens writer, Chris Howden. Who announced the crown corporation’s plans to phase out the five dollar bill in favor of a new three dollar coin. Here is part of her conversation with the fictitious Albert Bromear.

CO: Mr. Bromear, how did the mentor arrive at the conclusion that we needed a three dollar coin?

ALBERT BROMEAR: Well, Carol, we are at the mint are always trying to get costs down and the plain fact is that paper money costs money. It wears out very quickly as you know if you've carried a bill around for any length of time. And we find the 5s in particular are subject to — I'm not exactly sure why — I know that it has something to do with the face of Wilfred Laurier. They get defaced, which is illegal of course. So it's just about time we thought the one and two went very, very. We're very pleased with it.

CO: So the five goes, we get the three and we can combine the three and the two together and get a five?

AB: We brought mathematicians in. It's basically the combinations available to us with a one two and three dollar coin are infinitely greater. We found that if we were to have a five dollar coin. Believe me we've done our research on this.

CO: So three threes and a one would make a 10? And there's two threes make a six instead of the five dollar bill and the one?

AB: We've had some of the great minds in the country on this, but yes, that's the premise.

CO: But you know there's been almost no debate about this. We've heard almost nothing about this. Is that because Ottawa is worried how people will react to having yet another coin?

AB: We're not, Carol, overly worried about that. We find that the excitement of coin collectors balances out with people who were you know fed up with just another coin in their wallet. We think ultimately it's going to be beneficial.

CO: But you do know we had problems with the one and the two. People weren't happy with that. They resisted. This is going to be controversial — there’s no question.

AB: We've also heard of a lot of people who are tired of you know people have had their bills rejected if they're torn. It seems like it's maybe a kind of decision being handed down. But we have done a lot of research on this across the country over the last two months or so.

CO: Have you researched the name? I mean the “Three-ny”, are we really stuck with that?

AB: Well, of course, that's not the official name. But that's what we're calling it around the mint. We're certainly open to other suggestions. We do want to open the process up, having basically made the decision, we would like to open it up and make it kind of an interactive dialogue with the Canadian people.

CO: And so we can go to our audience and ask if they have names for this three dollar coin if they want to submit them?

AB: I would very much appreciate it if you would. I’m an avid listener; I'll certainly be listening closely.

CO: Well, on the subject of having an imagination what's going to be the image on the coin?

AB: It's been a challenge here. That, of course, is a big issue. We've already got most of the major Canadian animals covered on coins and bills and so we're thinking of going with the famous Canadian trinities. Again, I would welcome your listeners to contribute ideas on this. We're not by any means in the final stages of design yet.

CO: Well I hope that the mint understands that they should be giving them some sort of kickback in order to pay for repairing our pockets with all these coins.

AB: Well, I assure you that that's being taken into consideration on the design. I think you'll be very excited when you see what we've got. Very smooth edges, now they're sort of commensurately bigger just as the Toonie is bigger than the Loonie. It's a little bit bigger and I know people will initially complain about it, but we are we're also working with the tactile quality of the coin. There is a lot of work that goes on down here. It's a little heavier, but I guarantee you it feels terrific. It just feels natural in your hands.

CO; I'm sure we'll will have listeners who have something to say about this. anyway good to talk to you Mr. Bromear. Thank you.

AB: It's my pleasure, Carol. Thanks very much for calling.

CO: Bye bye.

AB: Bye bye.

Murray Judge

[Sound: A loud beep]

MURRY JUDGE: Yes, hi there, it's Mary Judge calling from Yarmouth, Nova Scotia. My point is why are they making it bigger? In England aren't the more valuable coins smaller? I mean they get up to $10 coin it is be as big as a pizza pan to be carrying around in your pocket. They don't need to be so huge do they? I don't know? I'm just saying!

Marilyn Anthony

[Sound: Loud beep]

MARILYN ANTHONY: Hi, this is Marilyn Anthony, from Toronto. I grabbed the phone immediately that you gave the number after talking about this new three dollar coin that we are going to have inflicted on us. As our population is aging, this is getting to be a hardship just to carry money around. Between the loonie and Toonie and the quarters, you already have your shoulder falling off from coins. I'm sorry, I go to the gym to do my exercise. Not carrying coins.

Larry Shaffer

[Sound: A loud beep]

LARRY SHAFFER: My name is Larry Shaffer, in Sudbury. The three dollar coin: Hate it, hate it, hate it and the name is even more ridiculous.

Keer Brownstone

[Sound: A loud beep]

KEER BROWNSTONE: Oh hi, it’s Keer Brownstone, I'm calling from Toronto and I've got an idea for the triumvirate to put on the face of the coin. It should be Larry, Curly and Moe — The Three Stooges. They could be there to represent what did that fellow say? Oh yeah, the greatest minds in Canada, who have come up with this fantastic idea of a three dollar coin. Story I can't stick around to talk more about this. I'm just off to my lab to invent the metal pocket. Bye.

Paul Meyer

[Sound: A loud beep]

PAUL MEYER: Hello As It Happens, it’s Paul Meyer, calling from Montrose. Since you're looking for names for said coin I think it's important to recognize that the last two coins have received English names “Loonie” and “Toonie”. And so I think it's only appropriate that the three dollar coin receive a French name. And so I think the only appropriate name for it would be the coinage et toi. Oh, my wife wife's making faces at me. Anyway talk to you soon. Bye bye.

Matthew McLaughlin

[Sound: A loud Beep]

MATTHEW McLaughlin: Hi, this is Matthew McLaughlin calling from for Verdun, Quebec. You asked for suggestions as to who might be on the coin. I thought we should really continue the wildlife theme. It has worked so well for us. I think that what we should have would be a specimen of our aquatic wildlife. A fish you know fish are very important in Canadian culture. We could call it a “Fishie”. And, of course, in commemoration with the date that this coin was announced in French we would call it “poisson”.

Poutine fools

JD: That is some of the talk back elicited by our 2008 April Fool's story on the Royal Canadian Mint’s plan to introduce a new 3 dollar coin. Well three years later, we substituted the traditional serving of poisson for putine. According to our story, organizers of the royal brunch celebrating the marriage of Will and Kate had taken a page from an article by New Yorker staff writer Calvin Trillin in which he declared Poutine, “Canada's National Dish”. For comment, we went straight to the sources mouth: Mr. Trillin, who was, of course, in on the joke.

CO: Mr. Trillin, are you aware that the Office of Royal Protocol is designing this Canadian course for the wedding brunch based on your article?

CALVIN TRILLIN: Yeah I was very honored because I didn't know that the Queen — I assume it is the queen — Read the New Yorker, let alone my article. So yes, obviously, I was very pleased too of course.

CO: It’s doubtful the queen read it. I mean there are people — there is a Royal Protocol Office — probably it was a functionary within that office that…

CT: I prefer to think is the Queen, who at bed time switched on the Lamp and read the New Yorker with great anticipation. And gets to my article and says poutine, the national dish of Canada. Why of course.

CO: Well, it doesn't actually say that. The headline of your article is, “Funny Food! Is a National Joke Becoming a National Dish?”

CT: Well, I don't write the headlines.

CO: What exactly is the premise of your article?

CT: The premise of my article is that the poutine may have been becoming the national dish of Canada and I believe the statistics that I quoted from The Globe and Mail survey was that more Canadians had eaten poutine than had been in a canoe or seen a moose.

CO: But you write in this that, “As a punch-line poutine has a lot going for it.”

CT: That's true.

CO: You describe the cheese curds used on the poutine as, “cheddar before the taste is added”. And these are not exactly flattering things that should be in a national food…

CT: Well I meant it very nicely. Yeah, I think that the fact that the national food is poutine is something to be proud of. It’s a nice, hearty Canadian national dish. And you have to remember I didn't choose it as the national dish. I’m a simple reporter.

CO: Who did?

CT: The Canadians chose it as a national dish.

CO: The Royal Protocol chose it as national dish. The Canadian government had apparently a different idea of what should be there and this has been somewhat imposed on Canada. But just did go back to the article though. I mean you say about the taste of Poutine you say the best you can come up with is quote, “It's surprisingly inoffensive.” Is that, in fact, a comment on the Canadian character?

CT: The Canadian character is inoffensive, but not surprisingly. I mean it isn't any surprise that Canadian character is inoffensive.

CO: Well, I mean, I guess from a Canadian point of view, you know you are a well-respected writer and you’ve won many awards. But, as you point out, you're not Canadian despite the time you spend in Canada. And not only are you an American, you come from a country that rebelled against the monarchy. You went to war against this monarchy…

CT: Yeah, but we went to war against the monarchy for good reason. For things like mushy peas and spotted dick and bangers and mash — that's why we went to war. I thought it was a good decision.

CO: But now you have a Yankee suggesting the food that Canada will contribute to a royal wedding. I mean can you just appreciate how Canadians might be a bit ticked off by this?

CT: Well, I think you're blaming the messenger. It's not my fault that Canadians like Poutine more than they like food sophisticated people eat.

CO: So do you think that by virtue of this poutine being at the royal wedding that it will raise the profile? Even though it’s suggested by an American? Do you think they'll feel at one with the royals if they…

CT: [Sound: Laughing] at one with the royals. Yes, and you know the royals really know how to put on the dog, so if they serve Poutine I think it's going to elevate to dish.

Courtney Anne Rice

[Sound: A loud beep]

COURTNEY ANNE RICE: Hello, this is Courtney Anne Rice calling from Cleveland, Ohio. I had no idea what poutine and I consider myself a foodie. So I looked it up and looked it up and hello! Why wouldn't you want that to be your national dish? Gravy-covered fries with cheese and love all over them, oh my God, that's like our dream here in America. So I hope you're not offended because I don't think he meant to offend you. Because who does not love cheese-covered, gravy-covered French fries? I mean hello! God bless you guys, neighbors.

Nigel

[Sound: A loud beep]

NIGEL: Nigel from Edmonton, I know my accent betrays me. I am actually a Canadian. I was born here and I grew up here, but apparently more Canadians have eaten poutine than have seen a moose or been in a canoe. I’m not sure where that leaves me? I've never eaten poutine and have been in a canoe and on one occasion, in my canoe, I saw a moose. And I can't stand to eat poutine now because I imagine my doctor would say it’s impossible. But I do wish those royals well and I hope they enjoy they poutine, but somehow I don't know. I love your show. Goodnight,

JD: That was, of course, just a taste of the talk back generated by our April Fool’s story on Poutine representing Canada's national dish at the royal brunch for Will and Kate.

Growing hats

JD: Way back in 1980, As It Happens picked up on a prank devised by soldier magazine. The official monthly published by the British army. It had to do with the Bearskin — the fur hat worn by London's Royal Guards. The magazine story actually managed to fool the Daily Express, which ran with the news that the Canadian-sourced fur was causing problems for the guards due to the fact that it was continuing to grow. As It Happens perpetuated the prank by inviting two imaginary officers to offer their insight on the growing problem. One major general Charles Finley of the Irish Guards from London and from Winnipeg, a purported Canadian expert on the issue Colonel Cyril Frisbie — retired.

BARBRA FRUM: Major general,

CHARLES FINLEY: Hello mother.

BF: Perhaps, major general, you should say what's happening in Britain before we go to Colonel Frisbie for the Canadian experience.

CF: This first came to my attention from the press this morning. And they seem to have blown the whole thing out of proportion. Really all that it is seems to be that the hair on the Bearskin does appear to grow. I think it is only because of the contraction of this skin over the past few years. They do, in fact, need to be trimmed reach year for the first four or five years or so.

BF: Major General the reason we called Colonel Frisbie is because I gather these Bearskins are now coming from Canada?

CF: Yes, that is correct. They are all now from Lapland or Canadian.

BF: Colonel Frisbie do you have any experience of such a problem? It sounds farfetched to me?

CYRIL FRISBIE: I'm awfully interested in this because I was involved in 1947. I moved to Winnipeg after the war and having been with British intelligence. I suppose the local constabulary in Winnipeg got on to me for this reason because they were faced with quite a similar problem. That is the buffalo robes or the buffalo coats worn by the constabulary they were spouting small horny-like semblances. You talk about shrinkage of the skin. This was an actual rejuvenation of the bone marrow cells that was still in the hide.

BF: And the fur would grow?

CYF: No problem with fur at all. But these small, well I should say, not small they started off this way. I mean the immediate solution was to excise them, but this ruined the entire coat and fell to pieces. And the problem was getting quite embarrassing for the chaps because some of these horns were about six or seven inches. So hats were pushed off an in 20 below weather in the middle of winter. So there were frostbitten ears and that sort of thing. It was a question of and electrolysis we used.

BF: On the budding horns?

CYF: Sometimes the best solution is the simplest. Of course, it's not always obvious. It removed the horn problem and took all the hair out of the robes. But the chaps were then able to wear them as light a trench coat — just the hide.

From April 1st of 1980 make-believe Major General Charles Finley of the Irish Guards from London and his entirely ersatz cohort, Colonel Cyril Frisby of Winnipeg with Barbara Frum. and just for the record, it would take approximately one hundred fifty five thousand five hundred ninety four standard issue ongoing Bearskin hats laid end to end to reach Reading from London, England. Reading! You didn't think we'd forgotten about Reading did you? True we don't refer to it that often these days. And although the As It Happens tradition of measuring the distance to Reading from various locales in the UK using various pertinent standards of measure does not stem from an April Fool’s joke. It does bring us to our next April Fools hustle from years past. Back in the early spring of 2004, some listeners began to remark on the notable absence of As It Happens host Barbara Budd. Well, her co-host Mary Lou Finley and the team waited until April 1st to publicly address the growing mystery. I wonder why?

MARY LOU FINELY: Barbara.

BARBRA BUDD: Mary Lou, how are you?

MLF: I'm fine. How are you?

BB: It’s so nice to talk to you on the phone. I listen to you every night.

MLF: More to the point, where are you? Because you know people have been asking. I mean they think OK, so you went away on March Break. But that's been over for weeks and you know all I've been able to tell them since is we haven't seen you.

BB: Where do you think any As It Happens girl would be when you called her?

MLF: Well you'd be in Reading of course.

BB: That's exactly where I am.

MLF: You’re not!

BB: I am so.

MLF: What are you doing in Reading?

BB: Well you know this and I think it's great that the audience is interested in finding out. But you know I`m on a Canada Council Grant and I'm traveling around to all the places… Redding, of course, is very special and actually doesn't fit quite into my proposal with the Canada Council. But what they gave me license to do was to go to a lot of the places where I mispronounced the name.

MLF: You never mispronounce a name.

BB: Yeah right.

MLF: There was Nyack, but you know?

BB: unfortunately, I have to end of my trip on Nyack. Because just before I went off on this, I called Nyack “Nack”. And it's really sort of like a Canadian goodwill thing you know. So I'm able to talk about it As It Happens because listeners hear it all over on the internet. So I started on the west coast and remember that time we did the interview about the whale songs?

MLF: Yeah.

BB: And I'm not from BC and I mispronounced Juan de Fuca.

MLF: What did you call it?

BB: Well I don't want to say it again. I'll just get into more trouble. But it was close to being very bad and I got letters from people upbraiding me for not knowing how to pronounce this. And so I you know I started out in Sydney, B.C. But then I had to go to Amarillo, Texas. now this was some time ago. Remember when we were actually interviewing the mayor of Amarillo, Texas. But I didn't know that and it wasn't really pertinent to the town and inadvertently the writer of the script had written Amorillock.

MLF: Had they? These things happen.

BB: I was handed it and you know just immediately read it. And I thought to myself I know there’s an Amarillo, Texas. I didn't know there was an Amorillock. So I read Amorillock and then everybody said why did you say Amorillock? And I said that that's what was written. Isn't it possible that there is also a town called Amorillock? But the people of Amarillo were very upset. So you know I stopped there too and the mayor of Amarillo was great. They had the Canadian flag. And, as a matter of fact, you know it's amazing how they love Canadians wherever I go. So anyway I was there and flew to New York and then out of New York I went to Redding and I'm here now, but I'm going on to Wales.

MLF: How do you get a Canada Council Grant to do this? I mean is it a sort of art thing? Are you going to put a CD when you're finished or weave the names into a tapestry or something?

BB: A quilt perhaps including the Welsh words. Remember that time that you know I had mispronounced the word gunnels, I read “gunwales”, which is so stupid. And there is a town in Wales called Gun Wales and it is spelled like Gun Wales, but I pronounced it gunnels. So I felt so foolish.

MLF: But nobody can pronounce any names in Wales except the Welsh. It's their revenge on the rest of the world.

BB: True enough. I'm just so I've never mispronounced the name Prague. I'd love to go to Prague, but I have no reason to.

MLF: Pray-gue

BB: Now you can get a Canada Council.

Barack Ridgeworth

[Sound A loud beep]

BARACK RIDGEWORTH: Hello, my name is Barack Ridgeworth. I'm about 50 kilometers west of Saskatoon. I've been a great fan of CBC for many decades as a fan of As It Happens for equally as many decades. But tonight I am just totally disillusioned and disappointed with Budd’s gloating over how she scored a Canada Council grant to visit many places around the world that she has mispronounced the name of. This smacks of similarity to our great Clarkson squandering our money around the world as well as the sponsorship support. I think you've got to be more responsible with the taxpayer’s money Ms. Budd. Please clean up your act. Bye bye.

Gary Vice

[Sound A loud beep]

GARY VICE: Gary Vice calling from High River, Alberta. I mispronounce names all the time, so I guess I should get a Canada Council Grant also. If there was ever a reason why we should disband the Canada Council only and severely restrict the funding the CBC gets.

Ken

[Sound A loud beep]

KEN: Hi, this is Ken calling from Vancouver. And I just want to say I'm really happy that Canada does things like this that they hand out grants for what many people in these days of fiscal conservatism would consider are very frivolous activities because well you know what? Why not!

Barbra Budd

[Sound A loud beep]

BBB: Well hello, it's Barbra Budd calling from Toronto. Yes I will come clean. I was an April Fool in March while showing my son around Sir Isaac Brock’s monument in Queenston Heights. I broke my leg in the snow. I am at home unable to be part of the show in any other way but to be a prankster on April Fools. Love your show. This was true by the way.

JD: Some of the talk back that followed former As It Happens host Barbara Budd's announcement on April Fool's Day 2004 that she had been awarded a Canada Council Grant to visit locations around the world whose names she had mispronounced. Now lest we start sounding too cozy with our own cleverness here I would like to return to the UK one more time where it seems not a few of our past pranks take place. From poutine to Barbra in Reading to hats worn by London guards. But this next prank is exceptional if only because it caught As It Happens completely off guard. Now you have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on us. Actually, maybe not that early. Five hours, I guess that would be the difference between here and across the pond. As former As It Happens senior producer George Jamison recalled. Bernie Clark, a freelancer based in London, faked us out partly by timing the prank early. We ran an interview on March 31, 1976, about the windiest place in the UK. He described an island where sheep were known to be carried away by the wind. Well that was just the beginning, as you'll hear in this excerpt. There's even a passing reference to Reading. In hindsight, it should have been a dead giveaway. But as George admits, we were taken in completely. But we weren't alone. Maclean’s Magazine called to ask for the reporter's numbers so they could follow part of the story. All a croc, which Bernie and his conspirators in the CBC London bureau revealed to us on April 1st with much laughter. Here's part of Bernie Clarke's conversation with Barbara Frum.

BF: Barnard, I take it it's more than just breezy on this island.

BURNIE CLARK: Yes, I mean it really is windy. They have a gale force wind of eight, which is a very heavy gale force wind. One day it was 11 and by British standards this is the highest average wind anywhere in Britain. An average with a seventeen 17.04 knots of continuous wind. They have stories of sheep being blown away. They got two miles of rope along the coast so when you're walking you’ve got something to grip onto. You park your car with the front facing into the wind. Otherwise the car doors just fly off. There are all kinds of stories. The roof here are weighed down with boulders because they get blown off. They got a special kind of kilt —this island is really traditionally Scottish — That has kind of led round the bottom of the hem to keep the kilt from blowing up. It is and absolutely amazing place. It's not a large island, but it's a flat with just hills at one end. And they create a funnel effect so that the wind just comes right through it. It is really kind of nice, but very cold.

BF: Why do people stay?

BC: Well, I think it's traditional. Most of the people here are farmers. They sort of have about four or five cattle and maybe about 20 sheep. They grow potatoes and that kind of thing. The island had a population of about 3,000 some 20 years ago. Now it is 800, but they stay because their parents were brought up here. Yes. Now, of course, we're talking about this operation which is called “Operation Windfall” I think they're calling it in Whitehall. And it's led by an English professor and he’s been developing a sort of a special kind of horizontal windmill. Most windmills are vertical. They go vertically through the air. These are horizontal and they have been developed in a high priority area in Reading. They've got revolving tubes containing turbines in them. And the plan is to have several hundreds of these along the coast and connect them into a central grid. The power will go up to Glasgow and they're really talking and big things. If this works then they're going to have a multimillion dollar exercise that channels electricity into the industrial areas of Scotland.

JD: from March 31 of 1976, that was a London freelancer Bernie Clark hoodwinking As It Happens a day early with a story about an island so windy, people wore weights on the hem of their kilts to keep them from exposing their wedding tackle.

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April 01, 2020 Episode Transcript

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