'I've overdosed 17 times': Fentanyl addict Kati Mather is two months clean
Back in September, Kati Mather spoke to CBC reporter Eric Rankin at a drug hangout in Surrey, British Columbia. She was on sitting on a pile of garbage bags. She had blood on her face. She told him about her addiction to fentanyl.
"I remember the day that fentanyl came out," the 22-year-old said in the CBC Television interview.
"My dealer said, 'I've got these new pills. They're fake [OxyContin].' He didn't tell me they were fentanyl, because nobody knew what fentanyl was yet. He just said, 'They're a hundred times stronger and they're only five dollars more.' I was just like, 'Okay!' Because I was getting a pretty high tolerance at this point," she said.
"It doesn't matter how many times I've [overdosed.] I still use the next day, because the withdrawals are so bad."
But since that interview, Mather had turned her life around. She's in a long-term treatment program, and she's been clean for 60 days.
Mather spoke to As It Happens host Carol Off over the phone from New Westminster, British Columbia. Here's part of their conversation.
Kati Mather: I was so depressed. I didn't care. I actually wanted to die. I didn't know that there was a way out. I just thought that this was going to be my life forever.
Carol Off: How old were you when you started using drugs?
KM: When I started using drugs, I was 14 years old.
CO: And how did you start? How did you begin that addiction?
KM: I started just drinking alcohol, smoking marijuana. Over time, it was a party scene. I thought I was having a good time. I don't know. It just progressed over time. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 15 years old. After that, I just started drinking a lot to get out of my feelings. Eventually, drinking turned to harder drugs.
CO: At what point did you realize that you had a problem?
KM: I mean, looking back now, I know I had a problem ever since alcohol touched my lips the first time. But at the time, when I was in addiction, it took years. My parents were telling me, I had employers telling me, I needed to get help. I was just like, 'No, I'm fine. I can do it on my own. I can stop whenever I want.' The first time I tried going and getting clean, I was 18 years old.
CO: And how hard is it to get clean? We know that fentanyl is one of the most dangerous drugs they've ever seen on the street. The BC Coroner said yesterday that all these overdose deaths reaching an all-time high are people who can't get off the drug. How difficult is it to stop taking fentanyl?
KM: Cold turkey, it's pretty impossible. That's one thing that's really good about the drug replacement programs. It can help you wean off of it for a couple weeks. Once you taper off of that, you're good. Going through the withdrawals is actually really terrible. You can't die from the withdrawals, so it is possible that, if you really, really wanted to stop and you were willing to go through those withdrawals, they last anywhere from one to two weeks. Honestly, getting clean is pretty easy. Getting clean is not the hard part. The hard part is learning to stay clean and live clean.
CO: What was it like when you did stop taking the drugs?
KM: For the first couple weeks, it was pretty crazy. I was all over the place with my feelings and my emotions. The longer you get days back-to-back not using, the more your life becomes a little more clear. You start to realize what reality is. When you're in addiction, you're really stuck in the insanity of things and the cycle of getting your next fix, because that's the only thing you can see in front of you. But 60 days in of doing this program, I've lost the desire to use.
CO: And how did the program work? How was the program able to get you to 60 days?
KM: Well, it's a 12-step program. And it's an abstinence-based program. But the main thing about it is support. The clients here, it's a community. The New West community alone is amazing for recovery. The people I live with, the women in this facility, we care about each other. If somebody wants to use, we talk about it until we don't want to use anymore. Having that support around you 24/7, counsellors here all the time, you really have no excuse to go back to using.
CO: We've heard that from other people, that the only way you can get off these drugs is to get into a good treatment program. How difficult was it for you to get into the program in New Westminster?
There have been times where I've overdosed, and I've woken up, and I was so mad and upset that I woke up. Because I wished that could have been the time I didn't wake up, and all of that pain and misery, that life I was living, would just be gone.- Kati Mather
KM: Before I had my first interview with Eric, I had been trying to get into Westminster House for over two years. As a full-blown addict, I was having a really hard time because you have to call every single day until you're moved up on the waitlist. There's a lot of people who want to get in. I tried going to detox and staying clean while I was waiting. I just kept relapsing. When I was relapsing, it was hard to call every single day. I just kind of gave up. I was lucky, because after my interview with Eric, I had an opportunity that not a lot of people get, to come to treatment right away.
CO: And when you say Eric, you're talking about Eric Rankin. He's a reporter for CBC Television. He's the person who found you. He found you on the street, sitting in a pile of garbage bags and all your possessions, with blood all over your face. That was about three months ago. When see yourself in that story, do you recognize yourself?
KM: No. That wasn't me. At that point in time, I wouldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I hated who I'd become. Today, I can look at myself in the mirror and actually say I like who I am, and I like who I'm becoming.
CO: And your sister Jessi is with you, and she's recovering from her addiction problems as well, is that right?
KM: Yes.
CO: How's she doing?
KM: She's doing really well. My sister has a four-year-old son. He is the most beautiful, amazing child in the world. She has him back in her life today. That was a huge motivation for her to get clean. We were on the strip together. We had been going through our addiction together. She was a huge inspiration for me to want to get clean, because she pretty much made the decision to come to treatment for both of us. If it wasn't for her, I don't even know if I'd be here right now.
CO: We're looking at, this year alone, 700 deaths from fentanyl, just in British Columbia. You and your sister, how close do you think you both came?
KM: You know, just a week before I came to treatment, I'd overdosed twice in one day. The next day, I'd overdosed again. So I overdosed three times in the span of two days. That was really scary for me. It kind of gave me this moment of clarity, where I was so lucky to be alive. I've overdosed 17 times. There have been times where I've overdosed, and I've woken up, and I was so mad and upset that I woke up. Because I wished that could have been the time I didn't wake up, and all of that pain and misery, that life I was living, would just be gone, and I'd be in a better place. To look back and think about that, it makes me really sad because I had no idea that my life could get good.
CO: And your life is good now?
KM: My life is good now. I mean, it's not exactly where I want it to be. I'm in treatment. But I don't have to depend on a drug any more to cope with my feelings. I don't have to wake up every morning sick to my stomach. It was to the point where I would use even when I didn't want to use, because I was so powerless over my addiction.
CO: What do you see in your future? How do you imagine yourself, say, after you finish this treatment?
KM: I want to help people. I believe that if I can get help, anybody can. I'm not a special case. There's a million people that are addicts. There are people younger than me in the same situation I was in, living on the street on a tent. Addiction doesn't discriminate. There are people out there who still have all those material items, everything that they want, and they're powerless over their addiction. There are people out there who don't even know that they're addicts yet. I just want addicts out there to know that there's a better way of life.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity. For more on this story, listen to our full interview with Kati Mather.
In the coming days, an interview with Kati Mather will also air on CBC TV's The National.