How to drive in Newfoundland: An illustrated guide

Few things trigger as much instantaneous anger as the topic of other drivers.

Bring up the subject, and any person alive will tell you about their latest brush with bad driving: suspected impaired drivers, collisions with uninsured drivers or the indignant fury of having to wait at a green light because someone else didn't move fast enough.

Treat these as you would a normal red light: like your car is invincible and the lives of others are worthless.

Newfoundland and Labrador in particular is no stranger to bad driving. The population's propensity for it inspires calls to phone-in shows, furious social media posts and sarcastic articles published by national outlets.

With so much focus lately on new driving laws, stronger enforcement and attempts to pave over what were once cow paths, we've provided this clip-and-save guide to driving like a Newfoundlander so you'll fit right in.

Roundabouts

The roundabout, a circular intersection intended to slow speeds and eliminate unnecessary waiting, is a recent addition to Newfoundland's roadways. Although they may appear confusing at first, roundabouts work perfectly well when drivers are alert, informed and follow the rules.

In other words, we anticipate many future collisions.

Traffic signs

Traffic signs play an important role in traffic control. Signs give drivers warnings about changes in driving conditions, better allowing drivers to disregard them and continue doing whatever the hell they want.

Below is an incomplete list of various road signs and their common interpretations:

Traffic lights

Traffic lights are a common way to direct drivers. Their simple, colour-based symbolism is easy to understand.

Green traffic lights indicate that drivers should continue checking their phones. That meme Aunt Cheryl tagged you in is wicked.

While sitting at a green light, it's important to move only after drivers behind you have started swearing at you from their windows. The ideal time to go through a green light is just before it turns red.

The yellow or amber light tells drivers they need to speed up. This is true no matter what distance they are from the intersection itself. Slowing down means stopping, and stopping means suffering a terrible fate: sitting at a light for two minutes. Avoid the humiliation and hit the gas.

The red traffic light means stop, maybe, if you can. I mean, if you're in a hurry, or you're distracted, or you missed your opportunity to go because someone sat through the green light, or you're just feeling a little antsy, obviously carry on through. Treat yourself!

Occasionally, you may encounter flashing red lights. Treat these as you would a normal red light: like your car is invincible and the lives of others are worthless.

The speed limit

In most communities in Newfoundland and Labrador, the speed limit is more of a suggestion, and a laughably low one at that. The real limit on most roadways is "anything," unless the police pull you over, and then it's "I thought that's what I was doing, officer!"

If the police do pull you over for speeding, here is a short list of phrases you can try. Results may vary.

• "Sorry, officer, I'm allergic to numbers under three digits."
   
• "But officer, I only have an hour to stop the robot apocalypse before my body is sent back to the year 2087!"
   
• "I was only speeding so I could meet you, as was foretold by the prophecies of Nostradamus."
   
• "I heard RCMP stands for 'Really Charming, Merciful Person!'"
   
• "Speeds limits are just a suggestion — I read it on a CBC Comedy article."

You got this, champ!

Read more articles from CBC Newfoundland and Labrador