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The Current Transcript for December 23, 2022

Host: Matt Galloway

STORIES FROM THIS EPISODE

Prologue

[Music: Theme]

SOUNDCLIP

As the turkey defrosted, it became clear that the grade B part was the cosmetic part.

MARK KELLEY: When Dave told Morley he'd look after the Christmas turkey, he didn't realise the task he'd taken on. But luckily at the Vinyl Cafe, the culinary catastrophe always leads to laughs, as is our holiday tradition at The Current will bring you a classic from Stuart McLean. Coming up in half an hour. And then.

SOUNDCLIP

There's a tall order to find music that can unleash that sense of collective nostalgia that isn't Christmas music.

MK: From the mall to the symphony hall to the echo chamber, that is my brain. Christmas music is everywhere this time of year, and it does bring people together, whether that's with an eyeroll, here's looking at you, Mariah Carey, or a shiver of pleasure. Thank you, Vince Guaraldi. In an hour, CBC music host Paolo Pietro Paolo brings us his favourite holiday melodies and the stories behind them. But we start with Bob Ray, the man with Canada's front row seat in the world of international diplomacy, striving for a little peace on earth. I'm Mark Kelly sitting in for Matt Galloway. This is The Current.

[Music: Theme]

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Bob Rae on the state of diplomacy, after a tumultuous year on the world stage

Guest: Bob Rae

MK: From Russia's invasion of Ukraine to violence in Iran, Haiti and other parts of the world to increasing tensions between the West and China. There is one thing in common diplomacy doesn't appear to be working in these crises. So why is that? Well, for some answers, I'm joined by one of Canada's leading diplomats, this country's ambassador to the United Nations, Bob Ray. Ambassador Ray, good morning.

BOB RAE: Thank you, Mark. Good to be with you.

MK: I want to begin with the war in Ukraine. It's nearing what we're about 300 days in at this point. And just this week, the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelensky, was in Washington making a pitch or even a plea for continued U.S. support. Let's just take a listen to something that he had to say there.

SOUNDCLIP

This battle cannot be frozen or postponed. It cannot be ignored, hoping that the ocean or something else will provide a protection from the United States to China, from Europe to Latin America and from Africa to Australia. The world is too interconnected and interdependent to allow someone to stay inside and at the same time to feel safe when such a battle continues.

MK: So what do you make of that, that the pitch there that that the war in Ukraine is, in fact, everybody's war, that that you can't you cannot just stand by the sidelines and watch. What do you think of that?

BOB RAE: Well, I think, first of all, I think the president's wolanski speech was was brilliant and very powerful and a very important reminder of what's at stake. I happen to agree with him that this is not just a war about Russia's attack on Ukraine. It's not just about Ukraine for two reasons. One is because aggression by a neighbour against it, against a neighbour. A direct attack unprovoked has no justification. It's the big no no in the charter, like don't attack other countries is sort of like rule number one. And if Russia is allowed to get away with that or somehow succeed in this effort of trying to effectively destroy your neighbour, then really none of us are safe. And I think that's that's the first part of what he's saying. And I think that's absolutely correct. But I also think we now have had to come to grips fully with the consequences of this war on the global economy, on food supply, on famine situations seemingly far away, on prices, on inflation, on every country's domestic economy in the world. And Russia has unleashed a global crisis that we deal with every day at the United Nations, whether it's humanitarian situations which are getting worse. Think of whatever you can think of and you can see how this has had dramatic consequences. So President Zelensky's point that the world is so interconnected that if you have a violent conflict in one part of the world that disrupts food supply, supply chains. It's not something you can turn away from and say, well, that's not my problem or that's somebody else's problem.

MK: And we've heard from the African countries who say they're bearing the brunt because of the costs for food there, for example, the European countries now with winter setting in there. They're concerned with the weaponizing of energy. And yet this is exactly why are people saying that it's going to require diplomacy and dialogue to settle this, not an end in increasing warfare, which is what we're seeing. So what do you say to that? I mean, these are these are countries who are saying we must put an end to this.

BOB RAE: Well, but I think the question is an end to it. On what terms? That's the problem. Of course, you can always surrender. I mean, you can put an end to it by saying, I'm going to stop fighting. So that's the end of it. And I think what President Zelensky was saying to Congress, as he said on many different occasions, is Ukraine is is not about to surrender. And I, for one, hope they don't I don't think they should. I don't think they should have to. So the question becomes, on what terms do you have a, quote, negotiation? And I think we all need to understand that there's always room for awareness of what is the other side looking for. But I think the Russians have behaved in such a way that you can't possibly trust their objective. If you were to get a truce, a temporary truce, and say, Oh, we've got peace. It would only be a build-up for the next attack. I mean, President Putin has said so clearly on so many occasions that he does not believe in the separateness, in the otherness, in the distinctive identity of Ukraine. And as long as that's the case. As long as he maintains the position that he has a right to do what he's doing and that nobody can stop him, as long as that happens, there won't be a really secure peace. There won't be something you can say. This is, this is a peace with with security. And that's what we have to be looking for, peace with security. But you have just one point you made. I just want to challenge a little bit at the beginning, because it's part of our conversation. Diplomacy takes many, many different forms. The world was not able to stop the Russian invasion and people did not believe that he would President Putin would go as far as he did. But it doesn't mean that people aren't aware of what the other side is thinking or talking about or doing. There are conversations happening all the time. None of them are binding. None of them are leading to conclusions. But the notion somehow that diplomacy is dead is not correct. But what is true is that when you're dealing with a really aggressive country like Russia at the moment, it's really difficult to deal with that without resisting forcefully their aggression. When somebody is an aggressor, like when somebody is a bully in a schoolyard, you have to respond. You can't just say, I want to make peace with the bullies. I'm going to give in to the bully. That's that kind of accommodation or appeasement doesn't work, doesn't stop the conflict. It's an illusion to think that that stops the the aggressive nature of the of the of the bad actor that you're dealing with.

MK: Okay. I want to pick up on that point, because the UN High Commissioner for Human Rights, Volker Turk, also says his office has documented Russian killings in nearly 450 civilians, amongst other violations of international law. But he says accountability remains sorely lacking. So what steps is the U.N. taking to push for that accountability?

BOB RAE: There's a lot going on and accountability. I mean, we have a very active police investigation underway in Ukraine. The prosecutor at the International Criminal Court has taken responsibility, taking charge of the investigation. They are developing lines of evidence. They're getting reliable information that can then become evidence. They're finding witnesses. So there is an ICC process underway. There's talk about a special tribunal of some kind to deal specifically with the issue of aggression, which is still being discussed. Lots of diplomacy going on there and talking about what form would that take, how it would relate to the current ICC investigation. There's a genocide case that's being brought in front of the International Court of Justice. The saying goes, The wheels of justice turn slowly. And that's true for a lot of accountability issues that we have in our own domestic law and international law. They turn even more slowly. It's frustrating, but it is happening.

MK: I want to play just another clip from President Zelensky speech.

SOUNDCLIP

And it will prove to any potential aggressor that no one can succeed in breaking national borders, no one committing atrocities and regaining or people against their will. It would be naive to wait for steps towards peace from Russia, which enjoys being a terrorist state. But Russians are still poisoned by the Kremlin. There is no reason of international legal order is our joint task. We need peace.

MK: So he's not asking for any diplomatic help. He's asking for weapons. Weapons he needs. Weapons. And he says more about weapons. So is a diplomatic solution even realistic, feasible in this case?

BOB RAE: But no diplomatic solution happens outside the context of what the conflict is about. So I think what what President Zelensky is saying is Russia is an aggressor. Russia has to be resisted. And I need your help in resisting Russia. And he's absolutely right. And he needs continuous, sustained, effective. Weaponry in order to be able to resist the level and degree of Russian aggression. What form a negotiation could take will depend very much on what's happening on the ground, what the underlying conditions are, and the preparedness of both sides to either continue the conflict or or to try to see a way when or is there an off ramp. For me, the off ramp is Russia goes back to its borders and its boundaries and that's the off ramp. Not complicated. President Putin can end the war today by just stopping the bombing and pulling his troops back. Ukraine has never invaded Russia. There's no there are no Ukrainian troops inside Russia. There are no foreign troops inside Russia. There are only Russian troops inside Ukraine. So who can stop this? The answer is President Putin, which is why we're doing everything we can to bring pressure to bear by supporting the Ukrainian resistance as much as we are, and doing even more by sanctions policies against Russia so that Russia becomes economically more isolated, putting as much pressure as we can and other countries are as well. I don't think, for example, I don't think that China is thrilled with the current situation. I don't think China is likes to see this much instability. China is a country that craves stability wherever it operates and it sees a partner that's frankly out of control. So they're worried about that. I think that we have to keep on bringing pressure to bear on on President Putin. He's not put forward any particular solution or proposition. So I'm not sure what there is actually right now to negotiate.

MK: I want to talk about Iran now with the time that we have and the notion of frustration with the U.N. is there as well. Here's what you said recently when Iran was voted off the U.N. Commission on the Status of Women.

SOUNDCLIP

BOB RAE: Is there really nothing that a state can do against its own citizens that has zero consequences for its membership in a Commission on the Status of Women? Is there really no standard not imposed by Canada or the United States or any or anyone else, but by the U.N. itself?

MK: So there's the question. I mean, what role can the U.N. then play in in holding governments to account for what they do to their own citizens?

BOB RAE: Well, I mean, it's again, it's a frustrating process. This is happening inside Iran. I haven't heard a serious suggestion that an invasion in Iran by by any outside forces would be a good idea. So we're basically having to apply pressure, and the pressure takes a variety of forms. The U.N. itself, through the Human Rights Council, is initiating a major investigation of human rights abuses in in Iran. This is a new a new development. Just this past week, people were named to to do that work. We were amassing a body of evidence about what's happening inside Iran that ultimately will hold people accountable. We're working closely with all the members of Iranian civil society. And it isn't right to say that nothing is happening, but it is right to say that it's a terrible tragedy and that we're trying to bring pressure to bear to stop Iran from from executing people. Some people have been taken off the execution list. Others tragically have not. It's a terrible, terrible situation. But we're dealing with a criminal regime. It's gotten worse. It's not getting any better. Just as in Afghanistan, where the Taliban have just prevented women from going to university. These things have terrible consequences for people and for countries. And these regimes, they're not governments. These regimes are are really devastating their populations and are creating havoc for their neighbours. So it's not that we're powerless. It's that the steps that we take in many cases are symbolic. There's got to be a standard. That standard is if you go as far as as is Iran, it's gone and you pay a price. You're not going to be accepted as a normal, regular member of the global community because they're not.

MK: And what we're seeing right now, one of the most serious challenges to Iran's theocracy since 1979, more than 18,000 people have been arrested since September. Where do you think this is leading? How is this? It's clearly they're hitting a boiling point.

BOB RAE: Well, I think the key in the collapse of any regime is the fact that you're asking young men to shoot at their cousins and their sisters. And at some point, I think armies begin to recognise this is crazy and things begin to collapse, internal institutions collapse, they can't be sustained. And I think it's really important for people to realise that nothing stays the same. These situations are intensely dynamic. They have huge economic consequences. You have oil workers going on strike. You have I mean, Iran has, you know, has many it has a strong trade union movement. It has historically has always had a left sort of secular side of its of its of its population. It's a. Internal political situation. I don't I don't think the regime in Iran is stable. I don't believe it can sustain itself on this basis because you can't attack your own population to this to this extent. And I think that the patriarchy has been baffled by the power of the reaction from women. And I think it's having an enormous impact internally on the country.

MK: Okay. One last stop on all the troubles with the world here. You recently returned from Haiti, which is in the midst of both security and humanitarian crisis. I want you to listen to a clip from the U.N. general Secretary, Antonio Guterres.

SOUNDCLIP

It's an absolutely nightmarish situation for the population of Haiti, specially Port-Au-Prince. We need an armed action to release the port and to allow for humanitarian corridor to be established. I'm talking of something to be done in support of the Haitian police, and I'm talking of something to be done based on strict humanitarian criteria.

MK: And that was that was a couple of months ago. And arguably, the situation has gotten worse since then, although that that that that that the that at least the blockade for the for the fuel has been lifted. But when you look at that and when we talk about diplomacy, I mean, who's to negotiate with when you've got a country that's being run by by criminal gangs?

BOB RAE: It's complicated, that's for sure. Since the secretary general made those comments, the port has actually been unblocked, but it could be blocked again. You know, gangs control more than half of Port au Prince, more than half the whole country, because the president was assassinated, the prime minister, as he's called. There's no parliament sitting there. No, sir. No senators, members of the lower chamber. There's courts are empty. Country is not functioning as a state. It's a failing state. No question about that.

MK: Not a failed state.

BOB RAE: Well, the point is, is that states can recover. I mean, it's not something that you say, is there no state? There can be a state again. I mean, there can be effective state institutions. Right now, they're not functioning very well, although the police force is able to function to a degree. And I think the question for Canada and for other countries is how do we support. And we already have. I mean, we've supplied them with increased weaponry. We've better equipment, which contributed substantially to the ability of the police force to to free up the port.

MK: But is that ultimately going to be the solution in that country is to have some sort of armed intervention? I know you've been reluctant to say that, you know, Canadians should be leading something there. But but will it take an armed intervention to bring some sort of semblance of normalcy back to this country?

BOB RAE: I think it's going to take a number of things working simultaneously. I think we clearly have to continue to provide assistance, advice, equipment to the Haitian police force and ultimately, if the country decides to the Haitian army. We've also been pushing very hard on the humanitarian side and on the distribution of of not only food, but also medicine, because there is a cholera outbreak, which is becoming increasingly serious and which really has to be dealt with. And the presence of the gangs made the distribution of medicine and vaccines almost impossible. So now that situation has improved. But what we haven't got yet, and we're still waiting for it and need to see it, is Haitian political leaders of all stripes from civil society, the Montana group, whole ranges of individuals and groups, plus other political parties getting together and say, okay, we want to have a transition to an election. We need to have state institutions established for a period of time so that we can then move forward on having an election so that the government can have legitimacy and then the state can rebuild itself with the assistance of outside countries.

MK: When you look at the landscape in, you know, including what we've just discussed, how do you keep your hope? How do you keep your hope that diplomacy will prevail and not the law of the jungle?

BOB RAE: I mean, I always look at it this way. I say, look, a lot of things can go wrong.

MK: Seem to be going wrong right now.

BOB RAE: They are. Right now, they are. There's no question. And violence has always been unfortunately been a part of of the human condition. But there are a lot of ways in which the worst thing we can do is to give up. And I think what gives me hope and frankly determination is a sense that our engagement, it's not a luxury. It's not an option. It's essential. We cannot live in this world without being engaged. And will there be setbacks? Yes. Will there be failures? Absolutely. But you just pick yourself up and keep. Going and continuing to stay as positive and constructive as you can is always the best course of action.

MK: Ambassador Bob Rae, a good luck and Godspeed.

BOB RAE: Thank you very much.

MK: Bob Rae is Canada's ambassador to the United Nations. The CBC News is next. Then.

SOUNDCLIP

Dave didn't understand until Christmas Eve when the presents were finally wrapped and under the tree, and he and Morley were snuggled in bed and he was feeling warm and safe there beside his wife. And he nudged her feet with his feet and she said, Did you take the turkey out of the freezer?

[Laughter]

MK: Yes. Switching gears, Dave cooks the turkey. What could possibly go wrong? A classic episode of The Vinyl Cafe with Stuart McLean coming up in 6 minutes. I'm Mark Kelly. You're listening to The Current.

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Stuart McLean's Vinyl Cafe: Dave Cooks the Turkey

MK: Hello, I'm Mark Kelley and you're listening to The Current.

[Music: Theme]

MK: Still to come, how music makes us nostalgic at this time of year. We'll enjoy some Christmas music from Paolo Pietropaolo's collection. But first, a holiday classic, from our archives.

[Music: Theme]

MK: Every family has that story that is told each year as you celebrate your holiday. Whether it's that time grandma chased the bear that had run off with the roast - or when your uncle got lost on the way to the holiday service. For us at The Current, that story is the one where Dave cooks the turkey. As is our tradition - here's Stuart Macleans' Vinyl Cafe classic:

SOUNDCLIP

STUART MCLEAN: Last year when Karl Oby bought his wife, Gerta, Martha Stuart's complete Christmas planner. He did not understand what it was he was doing on Christmas Eve, Carl found himself staring at a bag full of stuff that he couldn't remember buying. He wondered if he had maybe picked up someone else's bag by mistake and then he found a receipt with his signature on it. Why would he have paid 23 dollars for a slab of metal to defrost meat when they already owned a microwave oven that would do it in half the time. Who could he possibly have been thinking of when he bought the ab machine? Although he did remember buying Martha Stuart's complete Christmas planner, it was, it was a picture of Martha Stuart on the cover that had drawn into the book a picture of Martha striding across her front lawn with a wreath made of chilli peppers tucked under her arm. Karl had never heard of Martha Stuart, but she looked like she was in a hurry and that made him think of Gerda. So we bought the book never imagining that it was something that his wife had been waiting for all her life. Carl was as surprised as anyone in the neighbourhood last May when Gerta began the neighbourhood Christmas group. Although not perhaps as surprised as Dave was when his wife Morley joined it.

[Laughter]

STUART MCLEAN: It's it's not about Christmas, Dave, Morley said, it's about getting together. The members of Gerda's group, All Women, got together every second Tuesday night at a different house, each time they drank tea or beer and the host baked something special and they worked on stuff usually until about 11:00. But that's not the point, said merely the point is getting together. It's about neighbourhood, not about what we're actually doing. But there was no denying that they were doing stuff while I got together, it was me and they were doing Christmas stuff. It's wrapping paper, said Morley. You're making paper, said Dave. We're decorating, Paper said. Morally, this is hand painted paper. Do you know how much this would cost? That was July. In August, they took oak leaves and dipped them into gold paint and hung them in bunches from the kitchen ceiling.

[Laughter]

STUART MCLEAN: And then there was the stencilling weekend, the weekend Dave thought if he stood still too long, Morley would stencil him. In September, when no one could find an eraser anywhere in the house morally came home and she said that's because I took them all with me, we're making rubber stamps. You're making rubber stamps, said Dave. Out of eracers, said Mallie, people don't even buy rubber stamps anymore, said Dave. There were oranges drying on the clothes rack in the basement. There were blocks of wax for candles stacked on the ping pong table. And then one day Marley said, Do you know there's only 67 shopping days until Christmas? No, I did not know this. Had not, in fact, completely unpacked from last summer's vacation. And without thinking, he said, what are you talking about? And Morley said, if we wanted to get all our shopping done by the week before Christmas, we only have she shut her eyes, 62 days left. Now, David Morley usually start their Christmas shopping the week before Christmas. And suddenly there they were with only 67 shopping days left, standing in their bedroom, staring at each other, incomprehension hanging in the air between them. It hung there for a good 10 seconds, and then Dave said something he had been careful not to say for weeks. He said, I thought this thing wasn't about Christmas. Which he immediately regretted saying. Because morally said, don't make fun of me, Dave. And she left the room and then she came back like a locomotive. Uh hh, thought Dave. What, said Morley. I didn't say that, said Dave. You said uh oh, said Morley. I thought. uh oh, said Dave, I didn't say uh oh. uhThinking, oh, isn't like saying, oh, they don't send you to jail for thinking you want to strangle someone, what? Said Morley.

[Laughter]

STUART MCLEAN: She slept downstairs that night. And she didn't say a word when Dave came down and tried to talk her out of it, didn't say a word the next morning until Sam and Stephanie had left for school. And then she said, you know what my life is like, Dave. Dave suspected correctly that she wasn't looking for an answer. My life is a train, she said. I'm a train dragging everyone from one place to another to school and a dance class, and now it's time to get up and now it's time to go to bed. I'm a I'm a train full of people who complain when they have to go to bed and and fight you when they have to get out of one. That's my job, because I'm not only the train, I'm the porter and the conductor and the cook and the engineer and the maintenance man. And I print the tickets and stack the luggage and clean the dishes. And if they still had cabooses, I'd be in the caboose so I could pick up everything after the train went by. Now, Dave, Dave didn't want to ask where the train was heading. He had the sinking feeling it was one of those civil war trains and it's somewhere up ahead, someone had pulled up a section of the track and you know where the train is heading, said Morley. Yup, thought, Dave, we're going off the tracks, any moment now. What? Said Morley. I said, no, Dave said. I said, I don't know where the train's going. Morley leant forward over the table. It starts at a town called First Day at School Dave, and it goes to a village called Halloween and then through the township of Class Project and down the spurline called your sister is visiting. And you know what's at the end of the track, you know, are my trains heading? Dave looked at her kind of nervously. He didn't want to get the answer wrong. He would have been happy to say where the train was going if he knew we could get it right. Was his wife going to leave him? Maybe the train was going to D I V O R C E. Not at Christmas, he moaned. Exactly, said Morley. To the last stop on the line, Christmas dinner, and this is supposed to be something I look forward to. Dave, this is supposed to be a vacation. Christmas dinner, said Dave. Kind of tentatively it seemed a reasonably safe thing to say at the moment, and Morely nodded and feeling encouraged, Dave added, with a turkey and everything. But Morley wasn't listening to him. She said, and when we finally get through that week between Christmas and New Year, you know what they do with the train. They back it up during the night when I'm asleep so they can run it through all the stations one more time. And you know who you are, Dave? You're the guy in the bar car pushing the button, asking for another drink.

[Laughter]

STUART MCLEAN: And by the way, Morley said that Dave could tell that she still loved him. She didn't, for instance, say that he had to get off the train or for that matter, even go to the bar car. But but he did realise if he was going to stay aboard, he was going to have to join the crew. So the next weekend, he said, why don't I do some of the Christmas shopping? Why don't you give me a list and I'll go and get some of the things for the Cape Breton cousins. Now, Dave had never gone Christmas shopping in September before, but when he came back, he said that was OK. And Maoley said, I'm sorry, it's just that I liked Christmas so much, I used to like Christmas so much and I was thinking if I got everything done beforehand, maybe I could enjoy it again. I'm trying to make it fun again. I'm trying to get control of it, that's what all this is about. And Dave said, well, what else can I do? And Morley looked at him and she said on Christmas Day, Dave, after we've opened the presents, I want to take the kids to work at the food bank and I want you to look after the turkey. I can do that, said Dave. They didn't understand until Christmas Eve when the presents were finally wrapped and under the tree and he and Morley were snuggled in bed and he was feeling warm and safe there beside his wife, and he nudged her feet with his feet and she said, did you take the turkey out of the freezer? And he went downstairs and couldn't find a turkey in the freezer in either freezer. And was about to call out, where is the turkey anyway, but stopped abruptly when the truth landed on him like an anvil, and he understood that looking after the turkey, something he had promised to do, meant buying it as well as putting it in the oven. He decided he would wait downstairs for a while.

[Laughter]

STUART MCLEAN: And when he went back up moral, he was asleep and he thought I could wake her. Instead, he lay in bed and imagined in perfect detail the chronology of the Christmas Day waiting for him imagined everything from the first morning squeal to the moment his family left to work at the food bank. And then that moment when they came home with his mother in law, who they would have picked up, all of them expecting Turkey, saw the look on his wife's face as she sat at her table with the homemade crackers in the gilded oak leaves as he carried a bowl of spaghetti across the kitchen.

[Laughter]

STUART MCLEAN: At two a.m., he was still awake, but but at least he had a plan, he would wait until they left for the food bank that he'd take off and go to some deserted Newfoundland outport and live under an assumed name.

[Laughter]

And at Sam's graduation, his friends would say, why isn't your father here? And Sam would say one Christmas he forgot to buy the turkey, so he had to leave.

[Laguhter]

STUART MCLEAN: Then at three, after rolling around for an hour, Dave got out of bed dressed and went looking for a 24 hour grocery store. It was either that or wait for the food bank to open. And though he couldn't think of anyone in the city who more in need of a turkey than he was, the idea that his family might spot him in line made that unthinkable. At 4:00 a.m. in the morning, on Christmas morning, they found an open store and bought the last turkey there, 12 pounds frozen as tight as a cannonball. Grade B, whenever that meant.

[Laughter]

STUART MCLEAN: He was home by five a.m. and by six thirty, had the turkey more or less thawed, he used an electric blanket. And the hair dryer. An eternity and a bottle of scotch on himself.

[Laughter]

STUART MCLEAN: As the turkey defrosted, it became clear that the gravy part was the cosmetic part, the skin on the right drumstick was ripped. To Dave and looked as if the turkey had made a break from the slaughterhouse. And dragged itself a block or two before it was recaptured, beaten to death. This bird looked like it had died in a knife fight.

[Laughter]

STUART MCLEAN: Dave poured another Scotch and began to refer to the turkey as Butch. If that had been the worst thing about the bird that it was cosmetically challenged, Dave would have been happy. What are considered himself blessed. Would have been able to look forward to this Christmas with equanimity, might eventually have been able to laugh it off. The worst thing came later after lunch, after Morley and the kids left for the food bank. Before they left, Morley dropped pine oil on some of the living room lamps. When the lamps heat the oil up, she said, the house will smell like a forest. Then she said, Mother is coming. I'm trusting you with this day, you have to have the turkey in the oven. Dave finished her sentence for her, he said by one thirty. Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. The worst thing began when Dave tried to turn on the oven, Morley had never had cause to explain to him about the automatic timer and Dave had never had cause to ask about it. The oven had been set the day before to go on at five thirty. Morley had been baking a squash casserole for Christmas dinner because she always does the vegetables the day before. And now until the oven timer was unset, nothing. Anybody, least of all Dave did, was going to turn it on. At three thirty in the afternoon, Dave retrieved the bottle of Scotch from the basement and poured himself a drink. He knew he was in trouble. He had to find an oven that could cook the bird and cook it fast. But every oven he could think of had a turkey inside it already. Now, for 10 years, Dave was a technical director to some of the craziest acts on the rock and roll circuit, and he wasn't going to fall to pieces over a raw turkey. Inventors are often unable to explain where they get their best ideas from, and Dave is not too sure where he got his, maybe he spent too many years in too many hotel rooms. At four o'clock in the afternoon, he typed up the Scotch and he phoned the Park Plaza Hotel and he was given the front desk and he said, Do you cook special menus for people with special dietary needs? Were a first class hotel in a world class city, sir, we can look after any dietary needs. And Dave said if somebody brings their own food because it's on a special diet, would you cook it for them? Of course, sir. Dave looked at the turkey lying on the counter like a naked baby. Come on, Butch, he said, We're going out. Morley had the car, Dave called a taxi, he stuffed the bottle of Scotch in his pocket on the way out the door, the Park Plaza, he said it's an emergency. He took a slug from the bottle in the back of the cab. The man at the front desk of the hotel asked if they needed help with the suitcases. No suitcases, said Dave, then turned breezily to the man behind him in line and patted the turkey, which he had dropped on the counter and was spilling out of its plastic bag and said only slightly slurred, just checking in for the afternoon with my check. The clerk winced and Dave turned, wobbled and peered at the man in line behind him, he was looking for approval. Instead of approval, he found his neighbour, Jim Schofield, standing, standing beside an elderly woman who Dave assumed must be Jim's visiting mother. And Jim didn't say anything, tried, in fact, to look away. But he was too late and their eyes met. And Dave straightened himself out and said, Turkey and the kids are at the food bank I just brought Morley here so they could pick her up for me. Oh, said Jim, that explains everything. I mean, the turkey, said Dave, I bring it here every year. I'm alone. Dave held his arms out as if he wanted Jim to frisk him. And the man at the desk said, Excuse me, sir. And I handed Dave his key. And Dave smiled at the man behind the counter at Jim, at Jim's mother, and walked toward the elevator, one careful foot in front of the other. And when he got there, he heard Jim calling him and Dave turned and Jim said, You forgot your chick, pointing to the turkey on the counter. The man on the phone from room service said, but we have Turkey on the menu, sir, and Dave said, this is a special turkey. I was hoping you could cook my turkey. The man from room service told Dave the manager would call. They've looked at his watch. And when the manager called, Dave knew this was his last and only chance this man was going to either agree to cook his turkey or he might just as well booked the ticket to Newfoundland. Excuse me, sir, said the manager. I said I need to eat this particular turkey, said Dave. That particular turkey, sir, said the manager. Do you know, said Dave, what they put in birds today? No, sir, said the manager. He said it like it was a question. They feed them now- Dave had no idea what they fed them. He wasn't sure what he was going to go with this, just that he had to keep talking. They feed them chemicals, he said, and antibiotics and steroids and and lard to make them juicier. I'm allergic to that stuff. If I eat any of that stuff, I'll have a heart attack or at least a seizure in the lobby of your hotel. Do you want that to happen? The man on the phone didn't say anything, so Dave kept going. I have my own turkey here. I raised this turkey myself. I butchered it myself. I butchered it this morning. The only thing this thing has eaten, Dave looked frantically around the room. What did he feed the turkey? Tofu. He said, triumphalists. Tofu, sir, said the manager. And Yoghourt said Dave. It was all or nothing, the bellboy took the turkey and Dave gave him 20 dollars and said, you have those big convection ovens. He said, I got to have it back before five thirty. All he said was, you must be very hungry, sir. Dave collapsed onto the bed, didn't move for an hour and a half, which was when the phone rang, it was the manager. He said the turkey was in the oven, then he said, you raised that bird yourself. It was a question. Dave said, yes. It was a pause. The manager said the chef says the turkey looks like it was abused. They've said, ask the chef if he's ever killed a turkey. Talbot was a fighter, tell him to stitch it up. The bellboy wheeled the turkey into Dave's room a quarter to six, they had it on a dolly covered with a Silverdome. Dave removed the dome and gasped. It didn't look like any bird he could have cooked. There were white paper armbands on both drumsticks and a glazed partridge made of red peppers on the breast. He looked at his watch and ripped the paper armbands off, and he scooped the red pepper partridge into his mouth. And then he realised the bellboy was watching him and saw the security guard standing on the corridor. The security guard was holding a carving knife. They obviously weren't about to trust Dave with a weapon. Would you like us to carve it, sir? Just get me a taxi, said Dave. What, said the guard, I can't eat this here a Dave, I have to eat it- Dave couldn't imagine where he had to eat it. Outside, he said, I have to outside.

[Laughter]

STUART MCLEAN: He took out another 20 dollar bill and he gave it to the bellboy and he said, I'm going downstairs to check out you, bring the bird and get the taxi. And he walked by the security guard without looking at him and said, careful with that knife. And he got home at six o'clock and he put bleach on the table, a family was due back any minute and he poured himself a drink and he sat down in the living room and the house looked beautiful and smelled beautiful, like a pine forest, my forests, said Dave. And then he said, Oh, and jumped up. And got a little of turkey gravy and ran around the house, smearing it on the light bulbs.

[Laughter]

STUART MCLEAN: You do what you've got to do. There, he thought, and he went outside and he stood on the stoop and he counted to 50 and he went back in and breathed in and the house smelled just like Christmas. And he poured himself another scotch and he looked out the window and he saw Morley coming up the walk with Jim Schofield and his mother. We met them outside and invited them in for a drink, I hope that's OK. Of course, said Dave, I'll go get the drinks. He said, Morley, could you come here a moment, please? There's something I have to tell you.

MK: That was Stuart Maclean's Vinyl Cafe, with Dave Cooks the Turkey.

SOUNDCLIP

[Song]

MK: This is Mahalia Jackson's 1968 rendition of White Christmas. After your regional update: Paolo Pietropaolo will be by with some of his favourite holiday music. I'm Mark Kelley and you're listening to The Current.

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The joy of holiday music

Guest: Paolo Pietra Paolo

MK: I'm Mark Kelly and you're listening to The Current.

SOUNDCLIP

[Song: Carol of the Bells]

MK: The sounds of the season. This is Pilk Silk with their take on the Christmas classic. Carol of the Bells.

[Song continues]

MK: Well, this time of year, music sets the scene. It takes you down memory lane and can make the holiday season. Paolo Pietra Paolo knows this all too well. He's the host of CBC Music's In Concert. Paolo, hello.

PAOLO PIETRO PAOLO: Hello, Mark.

MK: I never heard this version before. What's special about this version of that classic Carol?

PAOLO PIETRO PAOLO: Oh, the first time I heard it, I just. I just fell in love with it because it's a whole new spin on a classic tune. And I think that's what makes Christmas music wonderful. I mean, there is that moment when, you know, maybe get a little bit sick of Christmas music during the holiday season when we're hearing things over and over and over again. But because we we sort of collectively know these songs so well, we have this common reference point and so a familiar melody that that, you know, can get this totally fresh treatment, like the one we just heard. And I remember the first time I heard that it was a couple of years ago and a friend said, You've got to hear this and played it for me. And it immediately blew my mind. And and because it's such a well-known, well-loved tune, I can immediately share it with a whole bunch of other people and say, check this out. And they'll instantly have a frame of reference, a way to connect to it, even if, you know, it's not necessarily a genre of music that they might know about. And in fact, I have now since gone to see Pilk Silk Live. They're extraordinary. This these two Inuit sisters who improvise in this style, looping themselves with looping machines, it's quite mesmerising their music. And I discovered them thanks to this Christmas Carol, which I think is true for a lot of artists. Christmas music can be a vehicle for for folks to discover a whole new sound.

MK: I have a real soft spot for Christmas music. I've got a collection of at home I do from Vince Guaraldi, from classic versions of crooners like Mel Tormé, Frank Sinatra. They all have a special place in my heart in the holidays sometimes. Yes, drives my family crazy. But what is it about, you know, Christmas music that lends itself to have such a visceral, emotional reaction?

PAOLO PIETRO PAOLO: It really does have a visceral, emotional reaction. There's times when I hear Christmas music and I get that warm, fuzzy feeling, and then there's times when I hear Christmas music and I and I don't know, it feels so poignant, almost painful. Sometimes I get like a strong rush to the head of nostalgia. And I think part of it is it just comes down to the simple fact of repetition, annual repetition. It's as though we've trained ourselves collectively to have this one time of year where we hear the same songs. And because music is tied so closely to to memory in our brains and to emotion as well, I feel like it's inevitable. We've set ourselves up for this visceral response that some composers have really understood that link and they've kind of doubled down on it by writing music that's simultaneously happy and sad. It pushes all the buttons. We want Christmas time to push, and I have a favourite example of this Mark.

MK: You're working me closer to Judy Garland in a song for all time.

PAOLO PIETRO PAOLO: Yes, that's exactly it. It's Have Yourself a merry little Christmas. And I love the story behind the creation of this song because the composer almost threw it out. Hugh Martin was the composer of this song, and he was playing around with this melody one day in 1944 in Alabama. And he really liked it, but he couldn't make it work. And so this is when he he crumpled it up literally and threw it in the waste bin. And his songwriting partner said, Hang on a second, this melody has something special. Don't throw that out. I think what his songwriting partner heard was that there was something about this melody, a sad quality to this melody that kind of tugged at your heartstrings. Martin was writing a song for Judy Garland for her new movie, Meet Me in Saint Louis. And in the scene, it's Christmas Eve. And Garland's character and her family have just found out that they'll be moving across the country, and Garland's little sister is crushed. So Garland has to sing this song to cheer her up. And so when the song was ready, Martin brought it to the movie set, and this is the twist, Garland said. It was too sad. So she asked Martin to change the words, not the melody, but the words. And in so doing, this is how he created this genius song. Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Because his new words, they were totally upbeat, Mark. You know, let your heart be light. Next year, all our troubles will be out of sight. Such a positive turn of phrase, such a positive thought. But the melody, it's wistful and it's still there. And so other words say one thing the music is singing something else entirely. It makes us come face to face with all the contradictions of the Christmas season.

SOUNDCLIP

[Song: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmans]

MK: It's the legendary Judy Garland. Paula, what other music taps into this idea of that collective sense of nostalgia in the same way?

PAOLO PIETRO PAOLO: I've been thinking a lot about this because sometimes at this time of year, you know, I don't want Christmas music, but I still want to have that cosy feeling. And it is a tall order to find music that can unleash that sense of collective nostalgia. That isn't Christmas music, because music is so subjective. So if I'm making a playlist, for example, for a Christmas gathering and I want to put some nine Christmas songs on there, it's tough to choose one that's going to resonate with everyone. But I think I've got something that can achieve that. And that's the sound of the voice of Gordon Lightfoot. Now, I'm cheating a bit here because the song that I picked by Gordon Lightfoot is sort of a Christmas song. But what I love about it is that it isn't explicitly about Christmas. It's about our collective Canadian experience of being a wintry country. You don't have to celebrate Christmas to get this song. This song is something I think every Canadian can relate to in some way. Now, it's really the perfect song for this time of year. It gives you that cosy feeling. It makes you feel nostalgic. And I think that's why it's become such a perennial favourite. Here's Gordon Lightfoot with Song for A Winter's Night.

SOUNDCLIP

[Song: Song for a Winter's Nigth]

MK: That was Gordon Lightfoot with Song for a Winter's Night. And I'm sitting here wearing some a decent set of headphones. I'm really picking up on the sleigh bells.

PAOLO PIETRO PAOLO: Oh, yeah, right. I guess it is kind of a Christmas song. Yeah. Even though, you know, he wrote it in the heat of summer in Cleveland and he was feeling nostalgic. Yeah, he was feeling nostalgic for home and missing his wife and thinking of winter did the trick for him. You know.

MK: There's one other Gordon Lightfoot song I'll throw out there is it's called Circle of Steel. Also a song that has a Christmas reference in it, but perhaps not really a Christmas song.

PAOLO PIETRO PAOLO: I don't know that one. I'm going to look that one.

MK: It's a great song as well. So what are the elements that we connect with when it comes to the piece of festive music?

PAOLO PIETRO PAOLO: I don't think there's one formula, although I'm pretty sure many songwriters have tried to figure out exactly what might turn into a Christmas hit. I mean, Christmas movies have been made about that. But I think aiming for the bittersweet is something that many folks try that that Gordon Lightfoot song. I mean, he was feeling bittersweet when he wrote it. And you can hear it in the music, right? There's joy, but also wistfulness. They go hand in hand at Christmas. That's why have yourself a merry little Christmas worked so well. I don't think there's a musical formula, though. Having said that, I do feel that if there's one place in the world that has nostalgia figured out, it's Brazil. There's something about the jazzy chords of bossa nova, the smooth vocal style of Brazilian popular music. It just seems to tap right into that part of our brains that knows what melancholy is all about. Maybe it's because of that Brazilian connection to that uniquely Portuguese word saudade, meaning a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. We can say that in one word in English, but you get it in Portuguese saudade. And I've got a Christmas song from Brazil. That is a double whammy because first of all, it's got that Brazilian sound. But also it was written at a time when the songwriter, Cece Valenti, was feeling alone at Christmas and he poured all those feelings into this song. And it's become one of the most beloved Christmas songs in Brazil. It's called [unintelligible], which means Happy Holidays. And here's a performance by Caetano Veloso and Joao Bertucci.

SOUNDCLIP

[Song]

MK: That was Caetano Veloso. And [unintelligible].

PAOLO PIETRO PAOLO: Doesn't it just get you in the Christmas solar plexus? That's okay. And you know, it. It really is about, about feeling lonely at Christmas. It was written in 1932 by a songwriter named Aziz Valenti. And he happened to be alone that Christmas. And he later said it was good that out of my sadness came this song that gave happiness to so many people. And he said that every Christmas, it made him happy. It was his best composition.

MK: I love it. And what I'm loving about this segment to Paolo is you're introducing me to new music to add to the collection of Christmas favourites. So what's what's one of your favourite pieces now?

PAOLO PIETRO PAOLO: This next song is something that I didn't even realise was a Christmas song, although I kind of already knew it. And so now it's it's going to become a part of my family's Christmas rotation. And also changing gears a little bit to the festive side of Christmas music. And it's sung by one of Canada's great songbirds, the great Lhasa De Sela who left us too soon on New Year's Day, 2010 when she died of breast cancer. I just feel Lhasa's voice and her songs are, to me, one of the great musical treasures of our country. I mean, Lhas's first album was entirely in Spanish, and it became a bestseller. It went platinum in Canada, despite the fact that she did not sing in English or in French, which is pretty incredible when you think about it. And also, Lhasa has this super distinctive voice that once you've heard it, it just stays with you. So this song is a Latin American Christmas Carol from her debut album, The One That Went Platinum. And I had no idea it was a Christmas song until recently. It's called Los Peces, The Fish. It's actually it's called [unintelligible], the fish in the River. The lyrics describe the Virgin Mary combing her hair and washing diapers and washing her baby while the fish in the river drink and drink and drink the water of the river a metaphor for them swimming up stream on their way to sea.

SOUNDCLIP

[Song: Los Peces]

MK: Well, I was lost with Los Peces. That was something else. Pablo, I'm just wondering, in the little time that we've got left here, you know, there also are lots of updated versions of classic songs. Did those make it onto your December playlist?

PAOLO PIETRO PAOLO: Absolutely. And one of my absolute favourites is, is, oddly enough, an updated version that takes the song even further back. It's a version of What Child Is This, which is one of the oldest, most classic melodies. It was originally known as Greensleeves. And The Baltimore Consort is an early music ensemble that uses old instruments like flutes and viols and an older vocal singing style. And I find the way they take this song and transform it makes you feel like you're sitting by a fireside with friends. This is their version of Greensleeves. Or What child is this? Except they've added an older text from 1642 about the old year ending and the new year coming.

MK: Paolo Pietro Paolo is the host of CBC's In Concert. It airs Sundays at 11 a.m. and you can hear him here on Radio One on Christmas Day with Global Christmas at 3:00 p.m., 3:30 in Newfoundland. Paolo, great talking to you and have a wonderful, wonderful holiday.

PAOLO PIETRO PAOLO: Thank you, Mark. And you as well. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas.

MK: And from Paolo's personal playlist, this is the Baltimore consort with the Old Year Now Away is Fled.

SOUNDCLIP

[song]

MK: I'm Mark Kelly. Thanks for listening to The Current and from all of us here. Merry Christmas and have a safe and happy holiday. Take care.

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