I Think It’s Time To Retire ‘Maybe He Likes You’ As A Response To Bullying

Recently, I dropped my daughter off at school. As the kids were lining up to go in, I noticed a boy constantly nudging the girl in front of him. She told him to stop but he kept doing it. He proceeded to tap her on the shoulder and pretended he wasn’t the one doing it. She whipped her head around and glared at him as he tried to contain his laughter.

I came home and told my husband this.

As we were chatting about the incident, it reminded me of a time when I was in grade school. A boy who sat behind me kept spraying me with a water bottle.

I did what the girl did, flipped my head around and scowled at him.

But he didn’t stop.

“You know it’s because he liked you, right?”

I got incredibly annoyed so I turned my entire body towards him, looked directly in his eyes and said in a serious and condescending tone, “You need to stop it right now. You are so immature!”

Maybe it was the words I used or the fact that I wasn’t scared of him but he stopped.

I was so proud of myself for standing up to a bully.

After I finished telling my husband this story, he said, “You know it’s because he liked you, right?”

My jaw dropped. My blood boiled as I began to lecture why he should never ever tell our daughter this if it happened to her.

Here's what it means when Laura Mullin says she's teaching her daughter to be respectful, but not nice.

It tells girls abuse is an acceptable way to show affection

If a girl is getting teased by a boy and the adults around her are telling her that that’s how boys show interest in girls, what happens to her when she grows up? She may believe that abuse is acceptable because that’s how a man shows affection to someone they love and care about.

As for the boys, it gives them permission to pick on people if they’re trying to get their attention.

It sends the message that poor behaviour, disrespect and crossing boundaries are appropriate ways to express their emotions.

It tells girls harassment is part of a normal relationship

I believe telling a girl that a boy is mean to her because he’s got a crush on her muddies up her understanding of personal boundaries and consent as it conditions her to tolerate abuse.

It shuts down the opportunity for her to learn how to distance herself from people who are physically and emotionally hurtful. It could make them believe that harassment is a normal part of a relationship.

When making friends, kids need to know their boundaries and what constitutes a healthy relationship versus one that is harmful. Harassment, being made fun of and verbal or physical abuse are, I believe, unhealthy ways to solve problems.

Kids need to understand that these are dealbreakers when it comes to relationships. If a child feels threatened, they need to know they do not have to tolerate this type of treatment. My hope is that they develop the confidence to protect their boundaries, advocate for themselves, seek appropriate help and end unsafe relationships.

Because Quentin Janes only has one kid, he feels it is his responsibility to be his daughter's best friend.

It tells kids that boys and girls can never just be friends

Lastly, if the message is that a boy will be mean to a girl because he likes her, I see that as saying boys and girls only interact for romantic reasons.

It can lead children to believe that relationships between those of the same gender are different than the relationships between those of different genders.

It creates a further divide between the sexes and reinforces negative gender stereotypes, assumptions and an unhealthy expectation of how each gender is supposed to behave in a romantic relationship.

Instead of a mutually respectful union of two people, it pins boys as the aggressive pursuer and girls as the passive prey.

For instance, I think this behaviour could lead some boys to think they are supposed to do anything to get into a girl’s pants.

Perhaps they will only want to interact with a girl if he sees her as a potential mate.

And in that scenario, girls might be expected to play hard to get but secretly desire to be aggressively pursued.

"When making friends, kids need to know their boundaries and what constitutes a healthy relationship versus one that is harmful."

It's here where I feel like this relationship dynamic gets muddier still.

Because should a girl act nice to a boy, it might signal that they like a boy as a more than a friend. Niceness might be confused with attraction, rather than simply friendship.

As I see it, accepting aggressive behaviour as flirting could foreseeably perpetuate a dangerous “no means yes” mentality when it comes to sexual consent.

And that's worth considering.

Obviously, I know that this is not true of all friendships. People can have meaningful, healthy and platonic relationships with people of all genders. Friendships can be based on trust, respect and common interests, not sexual attraction. But while I can accept that as truth, I also need to be aware of how relationship dynamics at a young age could influence future behaviours.

After finishing my rant, my husband nodded and told me he hadn’t really thought about it in that sense.

And I think many people feel the same way. I think it's time to eradicate the troubling phrase “maybe he likes you” and start teaching kids what healthy relationships are supposed to look like.