Scientists are worried about how we're going to have sex in space

Space does a body bad. Cancerous radiation, space madness, farsightedness, mutating herpes (yes, actually), reduced bone density, lost muscle mass, fatigue, wonky spatial awareness. Astronauts, typically shot into space in god(dess)-like physical condition, fall back to earth with a whole litany of humbling cosmic ills. Those are the health risks we know of - the list of potentially hazardous unknowns is even longer. To be fair, we've only had a chance to explore the intersection of space and biology (a field cleverly called Space Biology) for half a century or so. Still, experts admit there are some glaring spatial blind spots when it comes to caring for humans among the stars. For one, we still don't know much about one crucial biological imperative bound to take place more and more in the cosmos: knockin' space boots. If colonizing space is a goal, and it is, we really need to sharpen our shuttles and solve the science of space sex. Rest easy, top minds are on it. Yes, intergalactic intercourse is under the scrutinous eye of science.

So far, what we do know is that sexual congress in microgravity is no moonwalk in the park. Blood tends to float into the chest and head in space, so getting it to behave in bedroom-friendly ways that necessitate rapid blood flow is challenging. Scientifically speaking, managing and maintaining an erection in space is harder than it is on earth. Dr John Millis, a physicist and astronomer at Anderson University told media that though it wasn't an impossibility, it could prove tough. "Male arousal would be more challenging in space, though it could still technically be possible," says Millis. Side note: future generations are destined to enjoy some truly awesome ED commercials.

But the issue isn't entirely one sided - the same holds true for women. Primal passions cause human genitalia to become engorged with blood, increasing sensitivity and benefitting the various founts of fluid production that make sex wetter and better. In short, space restricts flow, so portable personal lubricant may figure prominently in our future space travels. On the topic of fluids, note that they also pool in space. Sweat (and everything else) secreted during one's labour of love won't drip away, it'll collect in little zero gravity pools turning the rest of the body into a weirdly wet wonderland. Depending on your proclivities, that may be a pro or a con. Your sexual predilections may also dictate this next romantic hurdle: you have to be tightly tethered to your lover in space so that each thrust doesn't send you to opposite ends of the sex shuttle. The laws of Newtonian Physics go bye bye in a space hook up. Thankfully, there's a getup for that. It's called a 2suit and it's designed for two cosmic travellers intent on sharing that most intimate of space hugs. Yes, it's real and yes, it's been tested in zero gravity. Note: there was no info available on the production of a 3suit, if you're into that sort of thing.

The other obvious problem facing our species in the realm of cosmic coitus? Yup, you guessed it: space babies. The Atlantic recently held a live panel with numerous experts on the subject of preparing the human body and mind for space trekking and an interesting quagmire came up; Kris Lehnhardt, Assistant Professor of Emergency Medicine at The George Washington University School of Medicine says space sex and the certainty of the resulting space babies are "a real concern".

The field is largely unexplored but visionaries think it's time to examine some potential outcomes. Lehnhardt says, "if we want to become a spacefaring species and live in space permanently, this is a crucial issue we need to address that has not been fully studied yet." Spacefaring sounds epic but the challenges of off-world colonization don't stop with terraforming and state-of-the-art spacesuits. What happens when someone gets pregnant? Can they get pregnant? "We don't even know if a baby born in space, whether it's in microgravity or on the surface of a celestial body - we have no idea how they're going to develop. Will they develop bones the way that we do? Will they ever be capable of coming to earth and actually standing up?" That's if they can even be carried to term in microgravity. We truly don't know. Sheesh. Thanks Lehnhardt, now I'm worried about all the space babies. Making them is not a key component of colonization, it's the key component. The alternative is we join the dodo and the brontosaurus, historically speaking.

Like our ancestors, we'll have to evolve. Lehnhardt asserts that once we can procreate in safety, space people born on away colonies will be vastly different than us and it'll be a turning point in human history. I'm crossing my fingers for radiation induced telekinesis (once we iron out the whole cancer thing). Also, there's a Kuato reference to be mined here but I digress.  

So what will happen when we start to send ordinary humans into deep space with a one way ticket and a mandate to reproduce? NASA has no idea. In fact, NASA has never officially studied sex in space. Russia's space agency was further advanced, though their chosen cosmonauts were sex geckos who did not fare well. So, the space race continues. NASA's actually been too busy with groundbreaking trips to the sun and planning the shuttle run to Mars that'll plant the seeds of our future, to tackle the issue yet. So far, intergalactic intercourse is all theory but it may serve us to move cosmic coupling past talk to the top of our scientific to-do list. As cabin fever sets in on those 10-month-long space jaunts, I'm betting the likelihood of bored spacefarers zipping into a 2suit will be high. Also, we're really gonna need those space babies.