If we may: A guide to proper elevator etiquette

This article was originally published April 30, 2018.

Modern humanity is not primed for person-to-person interaction. We largely live our lives at a distance, communicating via screens and often relying on a "don't bother, don't be bothered" attitude. Which is why the world of the elevator can be so daunting - a few minutes of forced interaction with a stranger at close proximity, while a light samba soundtrack plays in the background. An elevator has social cues and responsibilities completely unique to itself, so there is much debate on how to conduct yourself in this suspended space. Luckily for you, we're actually obsessed with trivial elevator etiquette, so here's everything you need to know when you don't want to take the stairs.

Where do I stand while waiting for the elevator?

The first struggle begins before we even get on. There is a finite amount of space on the elevator so people will often crowd the doors, which is both impatient and selfish. Subway rules apply: don't block the doors (so riders can exit), rather form small groupings on either side of them. And if those small groupings look a little too large and you're not likely to be able to fit on anyway, step baaaack. Remember that elevators make repeated trips.

Where do I stand while in the elevator?

The goal is to leave a considerate amount of room for other riders, so, if you're the first one on, take a corner. The next riders should fill in likewise. If you are entering with your significant other, you can both assume the same corner and are allowed a polite hand-holding. No kissing, please. If you have chosen the corner with the buttons, you have voluntarily assumed the role of "button pusher" and now have the responsibility of pushing any floor number asked of you as well as hitting open and close (if needed). If you are wearing a backpack or large bag; in the name of spatial sense, take it off and either hold it in front of you or place it at your feet. If you are carrying an object that could unusually obstruct other riders (like an antique lamp or moose antlers), kindly wait on standby until you can get a ride that has enough space for you to not stab anyone.

MORE SOCIAL ETIQUETTE:

How do I get off?

Exiting a crowded elevator can feel like ditching an awkward party, especially when you have only 10 seconds to make your escape. If you're stuck in the back, as you're approaching your floor, announce that this is your exit so other riders are aware, and plan your quickest route to the door — but only begin it when the door is open. If you are closest to the door with an exiting passenger behind you, disembark and wait on the side until the coast is clear again.

Should I stop an elevator door with my hand?

Please, do NOT. We get it, it makes you feel like a super-hero and you've never been hurt (yet). But please remember that you are a human and this is a giant machine. One caught sleeve or malfunction could quickly send you to the hospital. So if you're okay with not looking like a big shot, there are door-opening buttons (inside and outside the elevator) that work equally as well.

How close does someone need to be for me to hold the door open for them?

As if the door-opening dance on normal doors wasn't awkward enough. Elevator door holding is always a harrowing do-I-or-don't-I scenario, where discretion is key. If the doors are more than halfway closed before you see the holdee, let them close. Otherwise, if you do see an opportunity to safely hold the door open in a timely fashion, as per above, don't hold with your hand, use the button. This is a very handy practice if someone is approaching that you don't like; simply fake the button press and enjoy your solo ride.

Talking on and off

Entering an elevator puts you in a completely different environment than where you were in before, so your conduct should be adjusted to match. You're now in a 5x5 booth, so speak at a level softer than your normal speaking voice. This goes for the music in your headphones too.

If you get on the elevator with a friend or co-worker that you had been having a conversation with before entering, discretion is advised. If you're alone, do as you please. Otherwise be mindful that you never know who else you're riding with and what they may share to the very person you would not have this conversation in front of.  Oh, and don't talk on the phone. For one thing, the same potential risk applies, and for another, the call will drop, and the other riders don't need to be subjected to a string of "What? Can you hear me?". Hang up and call back in literally a minute.

Riding with a complete stranger requires you to say the absolute bare minimum; a hello if you must but otherwise, enjoy the awkward silence.

What about the elevator pitch — literally? Ok or not ok?

Talking to someone you don't know well or don't see often requires extra caution. (Scroll down to our last piece of advice on flirting.) Riding with a co-worker or superior may seem like an opportunity to have a rushed meeting about that thing you wanted to talk about, but don't — you just won't do it justice. Simply mention that you'd like to speak to them, allude to the topic enough to pique interest, but don't divulge the full contents.

Should I let my boss ride solo?

Apparently in some corporate circles, it's a considerate gesture to let your boss (or high-ranking executive or VIP) have the elevator to themselves, out of respect. This is, to coin an uncouth phrase, total elitist bullshit. If they're not important enough to have their own private elevator, they're not important enough to ride alone.

Do I have to take the stairs?

If you're only going one floor and you're fully capable of taking the stairs, you should. In some cases, riding the elevator one floor will actually take longer than a flight of stairs, so would it kill you to walk? Anything over two floors is definitely elevator-able, but, once a week, take the stairs for at least a few flights so you can appreciate the human body and the convenience of technology.

Can I flirt with a stranger on an elevator?

No. Again, the elevator is its own universe, so it doesn't have the same laws as the real world. That rider smiling at you? They could be attracted to you or they could just be smiling because you're the only other person on the elevator and they don't want to come off as a complete sociopath. For caution's sake, don't act any differently with someone you want to flirt with than you would with someone you don't want to flirt with; some light, polite conversation is fine.