How to throw a baby shower that doesn't suck

DISCLAIMER: This guide will NOT show you how to throw an impossibly perfect, pinterest-worthy, immaculately instagrammable #BabyShower. It will, however, show you how to have a damn good time before you have a kid and you're forced to be responsible. Read at your own discretion…

I'm at that age where I get invited to more baby showers than bar nights. I've gone from wild Friday nights getting wasted off tequila shots, to casual Sunday afternoons sipping lemonade out of pink and blue cups. At this point, I've eaten enough mini cupcakes and played enough Pin the Baby on the Mommy to consider myself a Baby Shower connoisseur. So, when it came time to plan my own baby celebration, I knew exactly what I wanted and precisely what I didn't.

First and foremost, I wanted it to be FUN. I'm about to have two children, ok? My days of carefree fun with friends are less than a trimester away from being OVER. I don't want to spend one of my final days of freedom, politely talking about breastfeeding around a tiered platter of cucumber sandwiches. I want one last chance to bask in my childless-glory with the people that I love.

Second, I wanted to include my husband. Spoiler Alert: this was not an immaculate conception. Not only was my husband involved in the making of these babies, but he has been there for every step of this pregnancy.  He is just as excited as I am to welcome our two little nuggets, so why shouldn't he get to celebrate with his friends as well? It's 2017, I say invite husbands, wives, partners, lovers… the more the merrier!

Finally, I didn't want a "shower" I wanted a "party". Not a full-blown rager, just a festive get-together in our backyard, where guests don't feel feel pressured to bring lavish gifts or wear kitten heels and peach cardigans. After all, bringing two humans into the world is something worth celebrating. And, unless things get REALLY wild, no one will be showering.

With these key objectives in mind, and the help of my loyal friends, here's what we did for our "Baby Party"...

Food

I have 45 lbs clinging to my abdomen. I can barely get up to go the bathroom without my feet swelling. The last thing I wanted to do for my party was cook.  I did, however, want to find an economical way to have someone else do it for me. That's why we hired a taco truck.

As if sent directly from heaven, two lovely gentlemen wheeled a grill of sizzling meat into my yard and fed our guests for 3 hours straight. It was fun, affordable and effortless - I didn't have to worry about refilling chip bowls or refreshing cake platters… Instead, I got to focus on the important things; hanging with my guests and eating quesadillas.

Music

A party without music is like a pregnant woman in heels, it's just uncomfortable. Instead of playing instrumental jazz or soft adult contemporary, we opted for dirty hip hop. I'm talking Snoop and Dre and Nas and Biggie and all the classic songs with Parental Advisory warnings that we won't be able to play once our children are born. I know, I know, they can hear music in utero, but hopefully they won't emerge from my womb shouting curse words.

Decor

Balloons and banners and streamers are adorable, but I put my friends in charge of decorations, and they opted to bless our party with a TWIN HALL OF FAME. Because even the most glorious of chevron print pendants can't compete with Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap.

Gifts

This is a tricky one. Because when you're having a baby you NEED stuff. Lots of stuff. Stuff I didn't even know existed, like sleep sacks and bottle nipples and dock-a-tots and rock-and-plays and SO-MUCH-STUFF. But if you're having a casual 'Baby Party' it's hard to ask your buddy from work to log onto your registry and buy you a $75 breast pillow.

We found a happy medium by registering, so that close family and friends who wanted to buy us proper gifts had a place to do it. Also, so that we wouldn't get 12 sets of matching onesies that said 'WOMBMATES'.

For our party, we told guests to bring a book and booze. That way, we got a nice little library of baby books and a nice little bar set-up for the day. Plus, we had ample liquor left over which I'm sure will go down extra smooth when we're dealing with two screaming babies and two visiting mother-in-laws.  

Favours

Favors are nice, but not at all necessary. I don't know about you, but I've never left a great party wondering why I didn't get a little chachka to take home. I felt strongly about this until my Aunt surprised us with personalized candies in miniature baby bottles and I suddenly changed my tune. I'll never forget the moment I placed that custom candy upon my tongue…. Frankly, I would be shocked if the birth of my children brought such unadulterated bliss.

Games

Last but not least, the dreaded baby shower game. Some people love them, other people hate them, my mother just asked that we please don't play that "disgusting game with the chocolate in the diapers". Little did she know she'd be more offended by the games we DID play.

I put my friends in charge of the evening's entertainment and they kicked things off with a baby bottle beer chugging contest.  Before you judge, this was not about watching bros CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! It was more about watching a group of adult men warp their lips and bend their bodies, trying desperately to suck beer out of a plastic nipple. High-Brow entertainment.

We kept things even classier with a rousing game of Labor or Porn. During the party, guests were invited to study close-up images of women's contorted faces and guess if they were taken during childbirth or the making of an adult film. Once our guests had cast their votes, we assembled the group and revealed the full images. They were shocking, hilarious and WAY too X-Rated for this CBC website. Also for my mother.

So there you have it. A few tips on how to throw a truly epic Baby Party complete with tacos, hip hop, booze and porn stars. I'm going to make a spectacular mother.