Comedy·SPOOKY SALES

Wow! This free Vancouver haunted murder house sold for $1 million

Don’t let anyone tell you that Vancouver’s real estate market is cooling down!
(Shutterstock / Vladimir Mulder)

Don't let anyone tell you that Vancouver's real estate market is cooling down! Even fixer-uppers such Harlowe Manor, the famed century-old mansion and inspiration for countless nightmares, are still selling like hotcakes!

Situated on the site of a Squamish burial ground, the stately Kitsilano home / torment zone sold last week after just two days on the market for $1,300,000. The sellers did not appear to be asking any money for the house as the the original asking price was listed as "Dear God free me from this curse! It shall only be lifted when the deed is signed!"

While one might assume Harlowe Manor's age and partially-collapsed, raven-infested roof would hurt its market value, this 1895 Gothic Revival makes up for its aesthetic ghastliness with historic charm. Fans of unexplained mysteries and antique art will appreciate the portraits of all 29 previous inhabitants that hang in the main hallway, most of which cry real tears of blood at the stroke of midnight. And history buffs will love the second floor parlour, which was the site of twelve notable murder-suicides, including that of famed industrialist and amateur occultist Sir Bartholomew Harlowe at the hand of his wife Lady Havisham. Good luck finding features like this in a luxury condo!  

SPECS:

ADDRESS: 13 Mourning Lane

SIZE: Officially listed at 10,244 square feet, but arguably infinite when the basement portal to hell and the third floor "Neverending Hallway of Tears" are taken into account.

FURNISHINGS: Most rooms contain their original 1890s decor, untouched but for 122 years of cobwebs, and including grotesque self-rocking rocking chairs and rare first edition Ouija Boards.

OTHER FEATURES: House "comes with" housekeeper Magdalene Walcott, who appears 32 years old despite having served the manor since 1911. The only time she shows her age is when viewed in the reflection of a mirror, which displays a disgusting, rotting corpse screaming at the top its lungs. Best to keep her away from shiny surfaces!       

GOOD BONES?: Yes. Plentiful, too!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ned Petrie is a Toronto-based writer, actor, and 6-time Canadian Comedy Award nominee. He currently appears on the TV series Blind Sighted (AMI) and Gary & His Demons (Blue Ant Media). Previously, Ned was a writer for Night Sweats (Teletoon) and created the game show pilot The Panel Show for CBC Radio.