Woman feels like she's gained weight even though the patriarchy tells her she's invisible

WINNIPEG, MB—Sandra Keaton 34, made a discovery last week that both confused and shocked her.

"I was trying on a pair of cut-off shorts I purchased last summer when I noticed that it felt like I had gained some weight. This was confounding, because our patriarchal society won't stop reminding me that I'm invisible."

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Keaton, visibly shaken, went on to explain, "How can I gain mass and be invisible? I mean, I guess I've always known this as a truth. They keep reimagining Spiderman movies and making Axe body spray; but where's the reimagining of The Remains of the Day and a resurgence of The Gap's perfume line? I guess they're never going to create those things because I'm invisible. But if I don't exist, why are my shorts cutting into my thighs? So I am visible. Yet I must be invisible because these shorts seem to be cut for a body type that doesn't exist…What…is…happening?!"

​Keaton isn't the only woman feeling what sociologists are calling "utter patriarchal fuckery". Psychologist Dr. Anne Rutker explains, "Many women are raised to believe society cares about their wants and needs, but the minute they get dragged to a strip club for an office outing, quickly learn that will never happen. But simultaneously, women learn that they need to look as physically 'bangin''as possible so that they have a fighting chance to have any resonance in the world. It's maddening, but also exactly what I expected."

Some psychoanalysts have coined this "invisibly visible" phenomenon as "Schrödinger's Body", where a woman has sizable mass and is invisible at the same time.

Dr. Rutker, who coined the term, explains, "I came up with the idea when I realized women are being put into boxes. And not metaphorical boxes, but like a lot of women's clothing is super boxy? And honestly, if you never see a woman for who she truly is, can she really be judged by her weight? Oh, she can? Like all the time and every single day of her life? Oh, okay. Never mind."

Despite the research, Keaton still believes that one day she will not care if she puts on weight while also hoping the patriarchy gets dismantled, shot, buried and its grave gets "spat on a bunch".

Keaton continues, "Every day I'm learning where I fit in this crazy world. I'm also starting to realize that gaining weight is straight-up not an emotion. You either are a certain weight or you're not. Also, why do clothing stores call plus-sized clothing clothes for 'real women'? If you're under size 12, are you a pretend woman? And women's magazines, stop trying to get me to eat almonds as a snack. It's never gonna happen."

At press time, it has yet to be confirmed if Keaton had, in fact, gained weight from last summer.

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