What ever happened to a simple, old-fashioned, unicorn-themed cup of black coffee?
Call me old-fashioned, but I remember a simpler time in this country.
We didn't have your cappuccinos, your mochachinos, your easy-fit chinos.
And we certainly didn't have Starbucks' newest product, the Unicorn Frappuccino.
- RELATED: Starbucks to offer award for first loiterer to finish goddamn screenplay
- RELATED: When I was your age my "safe space" was a world of elves a magic book zapped me into
- RELATED: Toronto woman asked to watch stranger's stuff at Starbucks still waiting for person to return 12 years later
What we had, as sure as my name is Doug Smith, is a simple, plain, black, unicorn-themed cup of joe.
Funny — that's apparently become so difficult to make nowadays.
I don't need a sweet, frilly drink. I don't need a see-through cup. I don't need a godforsaken concoction with ever-changing colours and flavours.
What. I. Need. Is:
A simple cuppa coffee, made from heating a couple beans and pouring water over them, placed in a plain, white, porcelain cup. And then an elaborate unicorn stencilled onto that cup (a fresh one for each customer) and a paper origami unicorn glued to the side.
IS THAT SO HARD IN THIS iPHONE, iPAD AGE!?!?
Folks, we've gotten distracted.
In a time when we can download Kenny Rogers' Greatest Hits to our phones in the blink of an eye, we've lost our patience. We've lost our simplicity.
I don't need a bunch of neon sugar water mixed with milk and sprayed into a glass.
What I need is a little pick-me-up while I look at the representation of a beautiful, glorious, mythical creature that has only one horn, you millennials.
You think about that while I brew up a cup. Oh, you like the mug? Thanks. His name's Gallandriel.
No you can't get one. He's one of a kind.
Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.