We deserve year-round eggnog

To whom it may concern at the Nog High Council,

By this point, I would've hoped someone else had stood up to you or perhaps, in an act of non-violence, organized a sit-in at your office. But apparently the charge has fallen to me to say what we're all thinking.

Eggnog.

You've got it. And we want it.

I understand eggnog is classified as a Christmas-specific tradition, not unlike Thanksgiving's breaking of the wishbone or Labour Day's sunset sex orgy – but eggnog is so much more than that.

If it's an issue of sales, I have a solution: rebranding. A nog for every occasion. Not just for Christmas but for all celebrations. Had a baby? Chug some nog. Graduated college? Treat yourself to a nog. Remembrance Day? What's more patriotic than pouring a thick, soupy, nutmeggy drink out for all the fallen soldiers?

Perhaps the council assumes nog is a cold-weather drink. I'm here to inform you that it's quite the opposite.

A wise thinker once said, "There is nothing more wholesome than drinking a cold, whipped, egg-based beverage with your squad on a hot day."

I can't quite remember who said it, but the message certainly rings true. Spring. Summer. Autumn. Fall. The period of time after summer and before winter. It works for all the seasons at once. It's a versatile drink.

Is nog running out?! I can't imagine that to be the case, but if we are in such short supply of "nogredients" I personally vow to set fire to every farm and forest in order to free up the necessary resources. Starving families are a small price to make that golden ambrosia available for an additional 11 months of the year.

Sure, I could try to make it myself, but it wouldn't be the same.

Half the fun of drinking this manna from the heavens is cracking open a fresh carton and letting a good portion of it run down your chin until your beard is uncomfortably sticky. Then, offering the soggy, lukewarm carton to the rest of your disgusted family.

As you can see, I have addressed all possible scenarios vis-a-vis this little problem of ours. 

At this point, the only possible obstacle I can see is the council itself. You're keeping it all for yourselves. You drink it. You wash your face with it. You probably have so much you use it to fill your pools. This is the true divide between the 99% and the 1%: those who control the nog and those who will do anything to get it.

In summation, we need this. Many have told me that this errand is foolhardy and not worth fighting for. And to those people I say: this is the only thing worth fighting for. Rocky drank eggs and he beat Ivan Drago.

So, I implore you, Nog Council. Do the right thing.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.