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Comedy·SOCIAL MEDIA

Twitter launches new social media platform "Newance" with 60,000-word minimum

In an attempt to combat the increase in social media toxicity, Newance, will require a heavily researched, 60,000-word minimum for every post.
Dave Pearce · CBC Comedy ·

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In an attempt to combat the increase in social media toxicity, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey has unveiled the company's new social media service, Newance, which requires a heavily researched, 60,000-word minimum for every post.

"In the past, we've been accused of contributing to the toxic divisiveness of social media by refusing to vet posts by our users. Well, you asked, we listened," Dorsey explained. "With Newance, we'll be bringing some sane, sober balance to the online world, and yes, we'll be vetting the hell out of every post."

Some of the features of the new service include mandatory footnotes citing at least two sources for every fact, third party authentication of any statistic with a JPEG of a stapled hard copy of the original research, and a one-week "cooling off" process, during which users will be visited by a psychologist and a social worker to determine if the poster is emotionally stable.  

"If either of these Newanceologists deem a user to be too excited, disturbed or generally irked, according to our 12-point "anti-troll" measurement system, his or her post will be turned over to our Newance Vetting Team, or NVT, who will archive the post for a full year, at which time a review panel will revisit the case during our annual Conclave of Sobriety.

As Dorsey made his announcement this morning in front of an extremely neutral banner reading simply "Newance" in 200-point Courier font, a team of interns wearing khakis, cardigans, and loafers carefully laid out battleship grey confetti strand by strand on the floor.  

"There will be no GIFS, no memes," Dorsey continued. "Instead of 'likes', posts will be rated according to the number of scholarly reviews, or 'SCORES'. Instead of retweets, users will need to rebut a post via a research proposal that's been approved by a thesis advisor, and provide a DNA sample as well as an 8x10 glossy headshot, taken from the shoulders up."

Dorsey went on to say that he has yet to use the service himself, but he's "confident that Newance will finally help bring our nation together, as soon as we can find enough people who are actually qualified to post on it."

Twitter users were quick to respond, with Tech blogger Seth Yorkin (@tehcnokat) calling the new service "a welcome breath of sanity in the fetid swamp of online discourse".  At press time, Yorkin's post had garnered 1200 likes, 14 retweets, 72 "cucks", and 9 "libtards".