Comedy·AGA KHAN

Trudeau to anxious, overworked Canadians: 'Have you guys tried a private island?'

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addressed nearly 800 Canadians at a town hall as part of his ongoing effort to hear the concerns of regular citizens following the release of the federal budget.

KINGSTON, ON—Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addressed nearly 800 Canadians at a town hall in Kingston today as part of his ongoing effort to hear the concerns of regular citizens following the recent release of the federal budget.

Many expressed anxiety about swelling unemployment, a struggling economy and uncertainty swirling around NAFTA. The prime minister listened carefully, before offering the same advice time and again: They should vacation on a private island.

Belleville resident Denise MacDonald, 48, expressed concern to the prime minister about making ends meet. After losing her machinist job when the local foundry closed, Macdonald had to take two minimum wage jobs in order care for her two children and elderly father. The prime minister, visibly moved, came into the audience to embrace her.

I realize that not everyone owns a private island. I don't have a private island.- Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

"That sounds incredibly stressful," he said, holding her hands. "Have you considered visiting a private island? I find the best way to recharge is to listen to the waves lapping at the white sandy beaches of a Caribbean island. A private one."

When MacDonald replied that she had not, Trudeau nodded.

"Try it. That machinist job will be the last thing on your mind by the time the helicopter comes to pick you up."

Arthur Durocher of Kingston owns a small trucking company that relies heavily on cross-border commerce to stay afloat. He wanted to know what to tell employees who are worried about the fate of NAFTA, given US President Donald Trump's rhetoric about "renegotiating the trade pact".

"Let me stop you right there," Trudeau interrupted. "Here's what I'd tell those hardworking Canadians: Get yourself to a private island ASAP. I realize that not everyone owns a private island. I don't have a private island. But here's the thing: It doesn't matter if it belongs to Richard Branson, the Aga Khan or Johnny Depp. A private island is a private island," he concluded with a wink.

Jennifer Higgins, a 28-year-old single mother of two and owner of a tanning salon in Napanee, praised Trudeau for the recent $7 billion pledge for increased subsidized daycare, but expressed concern that without provincial cooperation, implementation would be too slow to help her. The prime minister was quick to respond.

"I share your concern. Making daycare more affordable and accessible is a vital part of the government's plan to help women re-enter the workforce. Sophie and I have a great deal of help, but even we sometimes feel overwhelmed looking after the kids. In those times, it's important to remember your private island times. Take a moment to take a little mini mental vacation to your favourite private island."

"Let's try a little brainstorming exercise," Trudeau said, as he rolled up the sleeves of his shirt to reveal tanned forearms. "Let's hear some of your favourite private islands. I'll start: Skorpios, Ari Onassis' old haunt."

"Did I hear someone say Eddie Murphy's spot in the Bahamas?" the prime minister suggested after a painful silence.

"No," said a loud voice from the back of the room.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Paul Beer is a Toronto-based comedian, actor and writer.