Trudeau asks aide to send "emergency rescue text" 15 minutes into first meeting with Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has his first face-to-face meeting with Donald Trump today at noon, and at precisely 12:15 he will be receiving an "emergency rescue text" from his closest aide Garth Chetner, you know, just in case.

"Mr. Trudeau is not looking forward to meeting Trump, but he feels like he kind of has to, you know, for work," explains Chetner. "I'll be giving him an 'out' a couple minutes into it because it's definitely going to be super awkward."

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Trade and immigration are on the agenda for the meeting, which are just two issues among literally every other issue on which the two disagree.

"They do not see eye-to-eye on a number of fronts," shares Trudeau advisor Anne Deneuve. "Trudeau believes in more open borders, more trade, and less pussy-grabbing, just to name a few. The shorter this meeting is, the better."

Given these differences, Deneuve has advised Trudeau to stay away from more divisive issues, like politics. "I told him to keep it light. Talk about the weather, sports, TV – no, not TV."

For its part, the Trump administration hasn't said much about meeting specifics. "Mr. Trump goes on a lot of these 'first meetings' and likes to go in with as little prepared as possible. He's certainly heard of Canada, and he's looking forward to a productive discussion," says a Trump aide.

As for the details of the emergency rescue text, Chetner was circumspect. "Mr. Trudeau just said 'send me anything.' So it doesn't matter. Anything he can show to Trump so Trump will be like, 'oh boy, that sounds like a big Canadian problem, you better go.'"

At press time, Chetner had narrowed it down to "Alberta Emergency!!", "RAN OUT OF PUCKS," or "Come back! Moose thing!"

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