Time spent waiting for Wi-Fi router to reset scariest two minutes of man's life

MARKHAM, ON—According to a spokesperson from Toronto General Hospital, local man Rick Woodall is in stable condition following an incident wherein he had to wait a full two minutes for his Wi-Fi router to reset. The part-time office assistant was rushed to the medical facility late last night with a near-fatal level of exposure to life without wireless internet access.

When reached for comment, Woodall called the ordeal the "scariest 120 seconds of [his] entire life."

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"I was just sitting at my desk reading Wikipedia pages when I get an error message telling me to reset my router," recounted the 34-year-old. "So I quickly unplug and replug it, but next thing I know it's 30 seconds later and there's still no connection."

"That's when I started to feel dizzy."

"I managed to stay conscious long enough for the fourth light to turn green," he continued. "But I passed out before I could reload the webpage. That's the last thing I remember."

Attending physician James Tran confirmed that Woodall would have likely died had he been without Wi-Fi for even 30 seconds longer.

"The human brain can only survive two to three minutes tops without immediate internet access," Tran said. "Any longer and the boredom simply overwhelms the central nervous system and triggers total organ failure."

According to Tran, nearly 9000 Canadians die every year due to Wi-Fi connectivity issues; a group which Woodall would have joined if not for his girlfriend Sarah being in the immediate vicinity.

"Frankly, he's lucky his girlfriend had her cellular data turned off," he added. "Otherwise she'd have kept watching puppy videos on her phone instead of checking on the router and saving his life."

Doctors expect Woodall to make a full physical recovery, but foresee a long and strenuous mental rehabilitation.

"Rick's brain and circulatory system are undamaged," said Toronto General chief of staff Peter Thompson. "But the psychological trauma may never leave him."

"We can't overstate the severity of Mr. Woodall's injury," Thompson continued. "He was forced to live for two whole minutes without the ability to immediately download and stream things on his computer. Like some kind of animal or regular person from 20 years ago."

"I don't see how he can ever be the same," he concluded.

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