Comedy·RESOLUTIONS

'This is my year!' vows local woman for fifth year in row

“When the poutinerie down the street opened, I did not think it would have the impact that it did,” says Milance of her failed 2011 goals.
(Shutterstock / Mangostar)

VANCOUVER, BC — In a bold Facebook status update, 33-year old Vancouver resident Sara Milance warned the world to "watch out!" because 2017 belongs to her. Although she has publicly made this claim every January for the past five years with very little follow through, Milance vows that this year will be different. 

"When the poutinerie down the street opened, I did not think it would have the impact that it did," says Milance of her failed 2011 goals.

"You combine that with the Netflix account I got in mid-2012 and well, those years were basically a wash."

"I was really hopeful for 2014 — I had watched a lot of movies featuring a strong female lead," she continues.

"February of that year I created profiles on OkCupid, Tinder, and Match.com. The three dates I went on led to a pretty significant depressive episode that, to be honest, I'm just coming out of now."

Milance acknowledges that there have been successes over the years. "I opened a Tax-Free Savings Account in 2013 and managed to save $500," she explains.

However, when asked about the current status of her finances, Milance simply responded that "student loans are an enemy of progress". 

Milance says 2017 will be different because she has never been more prepared.

"I downloaded a budgeting app, I bought a $72 bullet journal that Karen at work recommended, and my gym is letting me roll over my unused personal training sessions from last year."

There is no doubt that Milance is excited for the new year although she says she'll likely begin her takeover on January 2nd as it's "just easier to start things on a Monday."

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