Supreme Court transcript: Olivia's Friends v Olivia's Crush on Jason

Excerpts from Case No. 30-49932

Plaintiff: Olivia's Friends

Defendant: Olivia

Charge: Possession of Questionable Crush (Jason Burrows-Wood)

Court in session at 9:45 a.m. Monday July 3rd, 2017.

KIM YEE, THE CHILDHOOD FRIEND

called as a witness on behalf of the plaintiff.

DIRECT EXAMINATION BY PROSECUTION

Q    Ms. Yee, how do you know Olivia?

A    We met in Grade One.

Q    And would you say she has bad taste in men?

A    Well, that year she had a crush on Sticky Dicky, the kid who glued his, uh, privates to his desk. So yes.

Q    Yikes. And what was it that she liked about him?

A    She thought it was cool that he got lice so much.

LAUREN SHORE, THE BFF

called as a witness on behalf of the plaintiff.

DIRECT EXAMINATION BY PROSECUTION

Q    Ms. Shore, how do you know Olivia?

A    We've been best friends since 2009, when we both vomited on a bouncer at the exact same time.

Q    What can you tell me about Exhibit A in front of you?

A    It's a screenshot from our group chat. Queen, Bee Emoji, Royal$, R-O-Y-A-L-dollar sign, and then, um, do I need to read the other emojis for the record?

Q    Your honour?

JUDGE: I'm curious to know.

A    Okay, uh, baby chick looking confused in its shell, squirt gun pointing at baby chick, upside-down smiley face, seven thermometers, embarrassed face, face with a zipper for a mouth, lady scientist with dark skin tone, lady judge with medium skin tone, white lady at a computer, and then all the skin tones of woman getting a haircut.

Q     And what is the screenshot of?

A    When Olivia first told us about her crush on Jason. Olivia says, "you guys I found my new husband, he plays the harmonica!" And my response was "Ew, Olivia WTF".

Q    And why was that unacceptable in your mind?

A    We implemented a strict "no-harmonica players" rule after the third one she dated very sexually serenaded her boss at her office holiday party. Recently we found out Jason is that guy's brother.

Q    Do you have anything else to add about Jason?

A    Honestly, I just want it on record that his winter boots are boat shoes. Boat shoes!

OLIVIA JONES, THE CRUSH-HAVER

called as a witness on behalf of the plaintiffs.

DIRECT EXAMINATION BY PROSECUTION

Q    Olivia, please see Exhibit B. Can you tell me what this is?

A    Jason's Instagram, picture two.

Q    Can you describe it to the court?

A    It's his tattoo of his ex's name, Olivia, in Comic Sans, with the Shutterstock watermark still on.

Q    The Instagram picture still has a watermark?

A    No, his tattoo does.

Q    And can you please tell me what Exhibit C is?

A    Yeah, it's Jason's text to me after he stood me up. Jason says, "Hey Brit, got stuck at my buddy's house, borrowing a G. Or wait, you got cash?"

Q     Can you translate the text for us?

A    He says that he's trying to borrow a thousand dollars from his friend, and then he asks if I have money.

Q    And why did he call you Brit? A nickname?

A    No, he just, uh, forgot my name.

JUDGE: Oh, honey no.

Q    The prosecution rests, Your Honour.

JUDGE: Are there any witnesses for the defence?

OLIVIA: Yes your honour, I have one witness.

JASON BURROWS-WOOD, THE CRUSH

called as a witness on behalf of the defence.

DIRECT EXAMINATION BY DEFENCE

Q    Good morning, Mr. Burrows-Wood-

A    Call me "Son".

Q    Excuse me?

A    I go by "Son" now, like, Jay-SON.

Q    Jason, Son, please put down the harmonica. This is not the time. Thank you. How do you know Olivia Jones?

A    Olivia who?

Q    Uhh, you know what? I don't need this today. The defence rests.

JUDGE: Will opposing council cross-examine the witness?

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Yes, Your Honour.

DIRECT EXAMINATION BY PROSECUTION

Q    Mister, uh, Son, can you describe to the court what you are wearing today at this trial?

A    Yeah, I got on this wicked flame beanie, camo board shorts, some Tevas, and my signature angel wings.

Q    Let the record show that Jason is wearing, and currently flapping, children's costume wings. Jason, can you describe your shirt?

A    I'm not wearing a shirt.

JUDGE: All right council, enough, we get it. Olivia, please approach the bench.

Olivia Jones approaches the bench.

JUDGE: I find the defendant, Olivia, guilty of possession of a questionable crush. Come a little closer, honey.

The Judge slaps Olivia upside the head.

JUDGE: Get yourself together, girl.

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