Roger Moore leaves last will and testament full of cheeky double-entendres
MAYFAIR, LONDON, UK—Dead at 89 after a long and fruitful life, Roger Moore, the third and most prolific actor to play James Bond, has left a last will and testament.
True to the spirit of the longtime character he played, Moore made no attempt to avoid any subtle or not-so-subtle innuendo.
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"I'd like to kick things off with some thanks," he wrote. "First, I'd like to pay tribute to those who made the James Bond films alongside me. Everyone I ever worked with on the Bond films has touched me in some way, as I hope I have touched them."
"Oh whoops, would you look at that! (That's what she said)."
"Be that as it may, I am fortunate to have accumulated a fairly substantial fortune to be able to share," he continued. "I never expected to act in so many Bond movies or command such a substantial salary, but every time contract time came up—ooh, whoops—well anyway, every time it did, I was stunned at the size of the package on offer. My, would you look at that. It's happened again."
"I'm a bit impressed with myself, actually, as usually I can only manage once a day. But I digress. You've asked for a will, so I'll really give you one. Whoops."
"Because of my fortunate position — err, situation, that is — I have tried to include as many people as possible in this will. The more the merrier, I say!" wrote Moore.
"Even the composer of our scores made a massive contribution. Particularly with his organ, which — oh pardon me. Oh goodness. I bet you'll be having a bit of a chuckle over that one. Do excuse me."
"But though they weren't as closely involved with the films, don't think my long-time, faithful, and loyal manager and accountant will be getting off easy either, because — oh, goodness, would you look at that, I do believe I've done it again."
At press time, Moore had forgotten to include any actual details about where the money would be going, having run out of room on the page because he'd already filled it up — oh goodness, now would you look at that.
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