PETA activists liberate Morning Zoo 93.9 FM

BARRIE, ON—In a dramatic early morning raid, activists from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) stormed the studios of classic rock radio station 93.9 FM today, releasing morning zoo host Anthony 'Mighty Mac' Mackenzie and his sidekick, Derek 'Lobster Boy' Johnson.

• RELATED: Tiger meets puppy and you won't BELIEVE what happens next! You never do. Why is that?
• RELATED: Fun animal fact: THAT GIANT CHICKEN IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU

"No animals deserve to be held in captivity," group leader Evelyn March said, "even if those animals are outrageous drive-time bad boys."

The zoo, entitled Morning Madness with Mighty Mac and the Nasty Gang, has been in operation for nearly 30 years, entertaining commuters with wild antics, prank phone calls and a cast of broad characters. In addition to Mackenzie and Johnson, traffic reporter 'Sweetie' Jenny Beauchamp, Mikey the Dumb Intern and Rich 'Toilet Dog' Hargrove were also released into the wild.

Zaniness shouldn't be a life sentence.- PETA leader Evelyn March

"For decades, these animals have been forced into doing tortured, painful bits in between endless replays of Rush and Pink Floyd," said March. "I mean, just last week they played a parody of Rock You Like a Hurricane called Barack You Like a Hurricane. In 2017. It's shameful."

Other Nasty Gang bits include "Fartron 3000" and "Lick a Stranger."

It's unclear how the hosts will adapt to life in the wild. "Are you telling me that it's not actually called 'Zeptember'?" asked a confused Mackenzie as he wandered the parking lot outside of the station, shivering in his Hawaiian shirt. "Next you'll tell me there's no Rocktober."

"Does caller number eight still get to smell my butt?" he asked, voice trembling with emotion.

Beauchamp stood by the side of the road, reporting on the traffic.

"Volume is heavy, so leave some extra time getting to work today," she said, seemingly to nobody.

PETA leader March said that while the transition may be difficult for the Nasty Gang, their true place is in the wild.

"Zaniness shouldn't be a life sentence. These people could roam free and just be the obnoxious office co-worker or the person who makes dated, off-colour jokes about Lindsay Lohan at family dinners — not for a 50 thousand kilowatt classic rock juggernaut."

At press time, March said she wouldn't rest until all the other 675 identical morning zoos are also liberated.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.