OP-ED: What is to become of me, Geoffrey the Giraffe?

An op-ed by Geoffrey the Giraffe

For most of my professional life, I've been the energetic, good-humoured public face of Toys "R" Us. During this time, I've always worked hard to provide fun and joy for my fans. Those qualities, after all, are the magic fuel that powers the toy industry. Unfortunately, a situation that is the polar opposite of fun has recently poisoned the atmosphere at Toys "R" Us. I'm talking, of course, about bankruptcy.

Last month, Toys "R" Us filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection after struggling to pay off $5 billion in long-term debt. Do you know how much money $5 billion is? To put it in toy terms, it's enough to buy 35 billion Little Tikes 3-in-1 Sports Zones, 57 billion Hatchimals or 73 billion copies of Soggy Doggy, the hit board game that puts a hilarious new twist on bath time.

With the spectre of bankruptcy hovering over my long, elegant neck, my once carefree mood has soured and the future has become a land of Boschian nightmares. Because if Toys "R" Us shutters its doors forever, what is to become of me? Shall Geoffrey, too, perish?

Shall I find a new occupation? I haven't the skills! Look at me. All I know how to do is dance and smile and trick children into buying toys, puzzles and games. As for going back to school, forget it. At my age (60), I don't have the energy.

Shall I live by my wits? I wouldn't last a week on the streets. I need the routine a steady job provides. Without that, I'd soon become listless.

Shall I return to the savanna where I once roamed free, munching acacia leaves and twigs? No! I'd rather starve than let my old herd see me return home a failure.

Bankruptcy. Disaster. Oblivion. My options are few and my hope is dim. I feel like Willy Loman in Miller's Death of a Salesman; an unimportant man eaten up and spat out by society. The difference? I am a giraffe. Plus, Willy Loman had the guts to take his own life.

Some of you will say I am to blame for my suffering. Surely, I must have had some inkling that Toys "R" Us was in trouble? Rubbish. My only mistake was trusting the board of directors. Foolishly, I thought they had their old friend Geoffrey's best interests at heart! The harsh truth is, all they cared about was lining their own pockets. Capitalism, it seems, is the deadliest toy of all.

As I stand here on the precipice of catastrophe, fearful of what lies ahead, I'm reminded of the words of French philosopher Blaise Pascal, who said:

We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end.

Keep me in your prayers.

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