New app counts calories burned as user tries to wriggle free from the patriarchy
ELK GROVE, CA—A new fitness app released this week aims to help women work toward society's unattainable body expectations in a new and exciting way.
"Fad diets and workout plans just aren't effective," said the app's creator, Helen Donovan.
"We wanted to create an app that would focus on more accessible weight loss strategies. Women are busy enough trying to 'have it all' with a work life and a home life, so we targeted activities that we're actually able to accomplish day-to-day."
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sighFIT's function is to calculate the calories a user burns while navigating and actively resisting the crushing weight of the patriarchy.
"Forget about counting those steps – start counting those sighs!" declared Donovan with a smile.
Donovan insists the average woman burns at least 500 calories a day from nodding silently, clenching her fists, and taking deep, measured breaths. "Not to mention, we're toning 26 different muscles in our face when we smile," she adds.
I started tracking each time I had to explain to someone that misandry is a myth, and it turns out I'm burning more calories than I eat.
"Before I started using the app, I was jogging almost daily," remarked Leslie McMahon, an avid sighFIT user.
"Now that I realize how much I'm burning just by rephrasing my ideas to make my boss feel like he came up with them himself, I only have to jog three times a week!"
"She's right. I started tracking each time I had to explain to someone that misandry is a myth, and it turns out I'm burning more calories than I eat. It explains why I've always felt so hungry," declared sighFIT's newest convert, Leslie Plip, flipping through a beauty magazine, circling pictures of food.
According to research, questioning one's likeability, maintaining a constant fear of aging, and overusing exclamation points in work emails are all activities that also burn massive amounts of calories.
"Easing yourself around the ego of a small man takes agility and precision. Don't forget to enter that into the app," instructs Donovan, documenting a recent eye roll after an exchange with her colleague, Darren. "I keep Darren around to help me stay healthy. He's virtually useless otherwise."
"If you're feeling exhausted just from being a woman, chances are sighFIT is the app for you," says Donovan. "Trying to fit into that size 6 you wore in high school has never felt this easy."
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